That’s how we angels roll…

One thing I already Know is that it doesn’t really matter where I am. It is all about the people I’m with. They make it. I can go it alone and enjoy the wonder and magic of places. It has a specialness in its own style of dreamy adventure. But you can stick me absolutely anywhere on the planet if I am sharing it with people I really love. It’s that simple. The happiness of my heart always wins out.
I have had a billion moments in magical places but you would be hard pushed to find me happier than I’ve ever been when sitting on a random park bench or eating THE tastiest chicken and drinking sangrias at an amazing festival I went to recently. Kicking tunes in the greatest venue.
But of course on this trip I was with my angels on a mission to enjoy the delights of France. Vive le France. I find it very easy to dream of life just by looking at the apartment balconies. They fill me with the romantic notion of waking in the morning to fetch fresh flowers and warm bread and croissants to share from the comfort of a hardly slept in bed.
Ok so not quite that dream on this occasion but I did indulge those girls in the delights of French patisserie this morning from a little place that I found as I was walking. A beautiful cascade of cakes and pastries for a pocket busting 10 euro. Raspberry tart with creme Anglais , apricot pastry, strawberries and creme cake and 3 pain au chocolates. A little buffet of pleasures following their lazy and chilled out morning and my walk along by the sea. There is something very fundamental for me in my connection to the sea in how it makes me feel. Like I am so alive and my spirit renewed. Today the waves were crashing against the shore with all the passion that lies dormant inside this dreamy girl.
I shared it with my friend by phone who is always my go to when I have something special I want to show or say. I think I just like them being a part of whatever that special moment is. It makes me happy in being able to share with someone who gets it.
I must have had a particular look as I sat on the pebbles. A man passed me by and smiled and said something to me about le mer. I smiled back and he promptly sat down next to me and started talking French which was too fast for me to understand properly although I was trying. I tried to respond with my slightly Del Boy french. Like many women I am partial to a French accent so I didn’t really care what he was on about. And a french man once told me that my accent speaking French is the mirror equivalent. Bonnet da douche!
Anyways I just sat there quietly looking at the sea. It felt nice just having a brief moment of random company. I seemed to have found myself in a few of those lately. Do I just look easy to talk to even if I don’t understand a word you are saying?
I mean I even received a note at my table in Monte Carlo saying “hello my name is Quentin”. The other angels were winking and laughing at me. But hey, I’d washed my hair that day and I was in my favourite jump suit. It certainly made me smile.
I mean I am always friendly but it is extremely rare to capture my attention beyond that even with a sexy accent. I believe it is called very discerning. Not just anyone will do for me.
You have to have some magic.
So after sitting there on the pebbles for long enough that felt polite I got up and said “au revoir”
As I wandered on alone I thought about all the laughs and excitements of our few days. The glamour of Monte Carlo that provided something for all of us.
Grand Prix build ups, casinos, palaces and plenty of beautiful food and drinks saw us living a life beyond our everyday. Having talked about my discomfort of money I found myself absorbed in a place that exudes all things high end. Not a huge amount of realness. Primani hasn’t quite reached that principality yet but for one day and night We embraced a moment of unashamed decadence. Just like those cakes..it’s nice to taste a little but I wouldn’t want to eat them every day. We rolled straight into a new day by travelling to Cannes. We were on a mission and standing on the empty red carpet at the film festival. It seemed exactly where we were meant to be. Superstar angels is what we are and even Elton John would have struggled to match our star quality on that same carpet the day before.
We loved it there. It was super buzzing and again it gave us all a little bit of something.
Not to mention our new found group love of all things toot and tack. We just couldn’t get enough of it. I don’t remember ever needing a red lips money box but at 5 euro I had to have it. I’m sure I’ll have some money to put in there at some point. But it sure will make me chuckle thinking of the amount of money we spent between us on utter shite.
And don’t even get me started in the interfrention I had to finally make following approximately 3 Sephora stores, 30 face packs and some other much needed beauty must haves. They made me laugh so much with their full baskets and excited faces. I think my love of that store is seeing their happiness. But when they were looking in the airport machine selling plasters and antiseptic cream I had to call time on their crazy obsession that was now slightly out of hand. Although international swerved me and wandered back five minutes later with another yellow bag. Even on the plane I could feel her temptation as the trolley came past. Nooooo!!!!!
Our trip found some perfect treasures for food drinks and fun. My favourite was in fact the french restaurant we went to on our first night in Nice old town. It had a beautifully old style Parisian feel to it which made me feel like we were on the set of a 1930’s movie. The tiny details that I notice and love like the lighting and the curtains and the ornaments and napkin holders. Added to that there was an amazing choice of french classics but at a price that fitted our budgets. Food that delighted our taste buds and our purses. With those oh so very strong pre dinner cocktails and the accompanying red wine with dinner it made for a very fun night and out first night bus home. I do love a night bus. It’s always so much fun and I think we laughed all the way home even when we were booted off somewhere random thinking we wouldn’t want to be walking about here on our own. Our home for those few days being as ever another Airbnb meticulously chosen by international status. Laurence the owner could not have been more lovely and welcoming when we arrived. I always love living in the residential part of towns while we visit. It totally fuels my dreams.
I think I was in dreamy overload on this trip but I’m sure I say that every time.
And of course as with all our missions there is usually at least one moment of random chaos. On this occasion it was the Ming vase and the lucky black cat. Never have I heard glass shatter in such dramatic fashion. Like in slow motion the enormous vase went absolutely everywhere. I believe that was the moment our trip really started. Omg I laughed sooooo much especially as that was also the beginning of our love of tack. The most expensive lucky black cat in history. I would be laughing every time I looked at it but as I hate cats (no offence Palmer) it didn’t belong to me.
I feel like I could go on. There are much bigger events within this trip but I of course get swept up in the really little moments that I will remember so much more than the grandioso days or nights out. Always more about the insignificant things that mean everything to me. If I think about the moments of my life the tiny details are always the things that I remember. Usually because they contain all the laughs.
And knowing my angels I think the same will go for them. Cause that’s just how we roll.

Laurelliaga Angels

This is the story of three little girls who came together in the pursuit of Integrity, Respect, Care and Belief.
This team of kickass girls was put together by codename Hopper, a super agent who was renowned for her takedowns of those who abused their power and positions. Respected by all those who know her she rose effortlessly to the top and she knew what she was doing when she put this team of angels together.
Each of them bringing something completely different to the mix.
Miss International Status .. she knows who she is and what she wants. She takes control and makes the plans. You need to find the quickest route to get there, she is all over it, using all her gadgets. She is the queen of tech and uses it in the moments of chaos. Her watch will save the day and also send her cat treats from anywhere in the world.
She’s also got practical covered. You need some equipment for sleeping on the side of a mountain in harsh conditions, It’s somewhere in her Michael Kors bag. She has something up her sleeve for all eventualities  and she’s totally got your back.
She provides the glamour and men are drawn to her like a flame. As she puts it, “it’s the Asian thing. I’m an exotic fantasy”
Yes she is.
Miss Grand Prix… she is the creative boho girl who loves a fast car and knows a racing driver and rock star or two.
She is the Info..You want to know what’s happening in the world of celebrity she’s your girl. She has a dry quick wit that will kick someone’s arse if they try to lord it. Straight talking and honest she knows her mind and will give her opinion but always with the best of intentions and if you are one of her closest she will protect you with all her might. She is loyal and true and quite rightly expects the same in return.
You can trust her with your life. She knows how to hold your secrets.
When she is really excited she just can’t hide it and she will make you laugh in her happy.
Like a walking beauty magazine she knows all the latest products and offers. She should be a golden ambassador for Sephora and Elemis.
When your mission is flawless skin she will discover the right potion or lotion from her extensive research at her home laboratory.
She has a fierce independence that is hard to be matched and a creative spirit that shows itself in all those thoughtful things she does for others. Not one to show her vulnerable side it appears through her creativity. She has a way of making everything feel special so that you do.
And give her half a mojito … and you will see her giggly little girl.
Or the cheap date angel as we like to call her.
And finally me.
Miss Dreamy McDreamo.
The latecomer to the team. International status and Grand Prix have been together since they were little angels in training and as close as they come. But when they wanted to shake up season four, Hopper threw in a curve ball and brought in a happy dreamer with no skills other than good at chatting to random people. Versatile and easy going She just goes with the flow.
With a complete lack of logic or planning she is happy to drift along taking in the little details, enjoying the fun and feeling free.
The other two angels welcomed her with open arms and many fun nights and she loved them for their very different ways and their warmth and care. They didn’t try to change her and laughed at her ability to miss all the practicalities whilst dreaming of “unicorns and rainbows”.
She in turn spent much time wishing for their missions to be filled with magic, adventure and love.
She seeks out adventure and left to her own devices can easily find herself in all sorts of chaos due to her curiousness in seeing beyond what’s in front of her along with her love of fun. If you need magic she will find it.
She rarely knows her own mind but in her heart she trusts.
And don’t underestimate her dreamy fluffy. Behind all the chaos and randomness is an intelligent mind ticking away and processing all the things she is constantly learning for a moment when she can use it for some good. And she totally loves a party too.
And so the Laurelliaga angels were formed and many adventures ensued.
Alone they were taking on the world, but together they are creating something magical and enduring. So if you need the best of friends then look no further than The Laurelliaga Angels.

S&M

Something has unsettled me this morning as I wander along dreamily thinking about lots of different things but with two big areas that are in my mind.
And in my absence of taking in my surroundings Ive got lost in the woods. Literally! Having said the other day that I know my way.to my favourite new spot,  I took a slight detour and just cant find it and not only that, I also cant find my way back and a feeling of uneasiness has come over me. It’s Tuesday morning and there is no one much about and no one one knows where I am.
What was I thinking about to find myself searching for the right path? So I’ve stopped to write it down so I can focus on finding my way.
Pleasure and pain.
Sex and money.
Two things that have been on my mind In very different ways.
I remember about two years ago, having conversations on this at a residential where my tutor at the time brought these topics up as most peoples difficult areas of discussion. And it popped into my mind whilst pulling at a number of threads.
Sex. The pleasure. Sometimes I think I’m like a teenage boy. I can dream about it all day long. It’s freedom in itself. It can take you to places and beyond and there is such perfect happiness in that. For me it has always been about being with someone I love. Another beautiful show of affection in such closeness and intimacy. There was a freeness in that. It removed every inhibition or insecurity which allowed it to be erotic and fun and playful and loving and warm and close. It was learning together in understanding and satisfying both your needs and desires and experimenting. I guess that says a lot about who I am as a person if you know me well enough. And it is always about give and take in my world.
I don’t have any experience of sex without love. Well you know, I thought It was love at the time. No one night stands or holiday flings.
Nope! That must sound crazy and naive.
So when I try to imagine what that looks like it always appears in my mind to be more of an exercise in seeking your own pleasure? I guess if you have no other connection than physical then why would you care about what the other person feels in it. Self gratification on every level. But I don’t know. I’m just guessing.
And that feels like a huge difference for me. But I have always loved it so I guess I’m gonna have to figure this one out otherwise I will be a very frustrated girl in life despite all the wondrous help on the shelf. I’m not pure but maybe just pure of heart.
I’m not normally a one for talking about sex. Im surprising myself at quite how easy it is to write. We all enjoy it. It’s not like it’s a big unknown mystery.
But In real life I’m actually very shy, no not shy, private and discreet, in sharing the very intimate secrets of my own world so I’m stepping out of my comfort in the interests of showing all sides by saying just a little.
But I have absolutely no problems in listening to someone else. I never feel embarrassed. It can be such a beautiful and wonderful thing that provides maximum pleasure with no cost other than giving yourself willingly to it. So actually I quite like listening to others talk about what it looks like for them. I find it so interesting and funny and amazing.
I always remember at said residential that there was an uncomfortable feeling in the room when one of my favourites was talking about it in her easy and straightforward way. I always remember chuckling inside at the reaction in the room which wasn’t spoken but could so obviously be felt in the air. Their uncomfortability was probably exactly the same as mine in
Money. The pain. Here lies my difficulty in both talking about and listening to talks of money. Where to start.
Ok so this is in my mind as I am currently waiting for money that I will receive from my flat. Not a huge amount. I have never been rich and although I had some security, money was never a driver in my world. Life was always about living and not what I had. I didn’t care And what I had was very modest but I was always very happy in that. Never even thinking of upgrading to more. We had what we needed and that was always enough for me. Amazing how the pursuit of money can have such an impact on simple happiness. Come the time of working out how to split that, the pain kicked in beyond anything I could have imagined. Not in the way you might think. The battle for what is mine. No. More of a battle in how to talk about it, not wanting to ask for too much and frankly avoidance to the point that if I could have lived on the currency of smiles alone then that would have made me very happy.
But life and more specifically a roof over your head doesn’t run on smiles so we had to go through that process and it was painstakingly excruciating.
If ever I think of myself as a non risk taker I only have to think of myself making a choice for happiness and freedom over security which in my avoidance left me hanging off a cliff by a fingernail. Yes I am certainly willing to take a risk in following my heart but ask me to talk about money and I curl up in a ball with my hand over my ears. La la la la la.
In fact in avoiding the details for so long and now waiting for said funds to come to me I have woken every morning this week to check to see whether I in fact have a single penny in my account. I had used every single option at my disposal to keep me going until I completely ran out. Completely!!!
I have spent the last week scratching about for every last penny which will help me to survive until this money comes through. It’s touch and go which is even more hilarious when I’m about to embark on a trip to Nice/Monte Carlo. I’m half tempted to put what little I have on number 19 and go down in a blaze of glory.
I never grew up with money. Having no money for me equates to bitter winter but we can’t put the heating on so wear your jumble sale layers, moving money from here to there and back again to pay bills, all us kids working with mum to pull the wires out of thousands of no idea what they are and continually counting up the pennies jar for food shopping. That 2’s and 1p’s jar was a life saver how can they think of scrapping them.
And a cleaning job, well that was a right of passage.
It was really tough for my mum. She used to worry all the time about it. She had all different jobs but worked as a waitress in the restaurant down the road all the time. The man that owned it loved her. Because I think he found her warm and kind and lovely and his wife was by all accounts a bit of a battleaxe.. He gave extra shifts to help her and then had her running the bar and eventually she took over writing the Menus because she had beautiful Hand writing with alot of style. She had so many little hidden talents that the world didn’t see. When they were busy she would bring me and my sister in and we would carry up the roast dinners and clear the plates. I would watch my sweet and quiet mum (at the time)  come alive as she worked the crowd when serving drinks and taking orders. How did my dad not see that? why did she hide that in the school playground? I always knew she was more than she showed but in those moments I loved seeing it and the tips used to roll in because the punters loved seeing it too.
She always went without. I don’t remember her ever having anything nice when we were kids. Only after I left home and and she finally got rid of controlling and crazy husband number 2 did she finally start to get a little more of what she deserved. It’s why it makes me so happy now when she trots off on another cruise with her boyfriend. The sweetheart she met in her sixties.
Who says it all happens in your twenties?!
I went off on a bit of a tangent a bit like in the forest but it is all related.
So back to money. When I think of sex and what turns me on, Money is the opposite of that. The ultimate turn off.
I have known a lot of girls who are swayed by the colour of a pound note. Sex and money.
A really good friend of mine has a beautiful girl living with him. He has a lot of money. When he was younger he was a good looking fella and girls liked him. As he got older less and less and then he stopped taking care of himself and became cynical about women thinking that they would only want to take his money. He is very lonely. This girl lives there rent free and services him on the odd occasion, usually when he starts to question why she is living there.
He takes her to nice restaurants and buys her shoes. She is unquestionably using him. He knows it. She brings other blokes there sometimes. But in his loneliness he doesn’t care and I guess he is using her too for company without making a commitment of her taking all his money. I chatted to her at a barby once. She was as cold and cynical as they come.
She told me that I needed to ask for what I wanted rather than settling for normal. Get what you can. We are all made differently but I just wasn’t feeling it.

Money always seems to be about wanting to show off. I told my friend the phrase I grew up with. One of many. “If you love a pound note more than people you will find yourself surrounded by people who love a pound note more than you”

Me and money are just not a good combo and as fast as I have it I can spend it. Perhaps it’s so I will never be rich.
But the ones who have nothing always seem the most generous What they give might not look much but if they have it they would willingly give it to you. What’s the point of having anything if you don’t share it.
But all this still doesn’t explain my pain in talking about it or feeling incredibly bored when people tell me what they have. Never jealousy just a complete indifference to what they are sharing.
My only assumption is that in seeing someone take everything from those that had loved him, he left them with a very warped view of what money represents. Selfish, greedy, uncaring, shallow and full of their own sense of being better..
And as I want to be none of those my pain in money continues until I am able to find a healthier view of what it is. unless perhaps I’m right. Although there are people in the world who have money and want to do good with it. I like that.

Wow even writing about money felt painful and I know I will hold this for a bit till I feel able to post it. But I’m thinking that maybe if I put my thoughts about money out there, maybe it might make me feel a little easier to think and talk on it some more We will see.

But In the meantime I will carry on juggling those pennies. Where there’s a willl.. and of course dreaming of those beautiful free pleasures in life.

Finally found a path to somewhere familiar which feels good but while I’m in this uncomfortable feeling, fuck it let’s just post it.
I mean it’s only sex and money 😊

Simple happiness like easy Sunday mornings

Happiness costs nothing.
I have wandered in the beautiful Sunday morning sunshine to my new favourite spot. Isn’t it amazing how quickly somewhere else becomes home and you feel so comfortable in that. No longer am I searching for that swing. I know exactly where it is and when there will be no one there. I stopped to swing for a moment on my way to my new favourite spot.
It is the perfect place to sit and write. Directly under the sun with the lake in front of me where a heron stands proudly among the lily pads quietly observing, whilst all the ducks busily dive and swim. It’s so quiet and peaceful here. Feels like everyone has headed out on day trips but I am content in this easy like Sunday morning feeling where just being happy where I am  feels more than enough. I can hear every single bird singing of this beautiful morning, the bees buzzing and even the ripples of the water find there way to my ears. Little seeds of dandelions float around me like tiny fairies sprinkling new magic all over me and the shadows of the trees in the water create a whole other world for the imagination to dream of. These are the moments that I cherish. Every now and then I hear little children laughing as the should in all the excitement of freedom to play in a wonderland that looks different every time I enter it.
I love to chat with anyone who is willing. I smile and they stop. A nice old lady stopped to share the wonder of this morning. With her little dog princess. She’s a bit high maintenance she tells me. She’s not looking forward to the walk back. I think she wants a limousine to take her home.
If dogs can have a look of their name she most certainly did. With an air of something that said pamper me. And she looks like she gets what she wants.
I’m not quite made that way. Simple suits me very well and that simple,  spots a heart shaped cloud that was sent specially to make me smile.

Another person walked past me and said that he didn’t think the heron wasn’t real. His dog barked as if to test that. Yep no movement. Perhaps he was right although I was sure it had been standing the other way when I arrived. But I had my head in the clouds so I could be wrong.
He left and ten minutes later so did the heron. Beautifully executed in how looks can be deceiving. Nothing fake, just not performing to the crowd and flying to a new spot when ready.
I then met Bis the pug who was happy sitting with me in my sunny spot while I tickled his neck. The owner fed the ducks fully approved duck food as he told me. Bread is so bad for them. Chatty little fella. Pointed out the giant terrapin on the log that had been here for thirty years apparently. Feel like I might have been sitting here that long too. But what’s the hurry to move when you feel so happy where you are.

I told him I was looking at the clouds and he joined me in that for a moment. I could tell he wasn’t really seeing what I could see but I appreciated his company for a bit.

And then alone again with my woodland friends. Peacefulness being the order of my day.
Happiness in calm tranquility makes for a very warm and open heart. I think that’s why that cloud was sent to me. A reminder that there is such contentment in easy like Sunday morning moments.

 

The good, the bad and the headache inducing aftershave

I am in a very interesting place right now. Sometimes I am so inspired by something it takes me to brand new places of thought which in this case I am finding very amusingly lovely because it is challenging me to think about myself beyond the confines of the box that most people fit me into.
The good girl. The kind and loving girl who makes you feel safe.
I hope I am that. I think I am and I like it. I feel at home and safe in that too and I have no interest in creating a character as suggested in the book that R showed me earlier in the week. She is the sweet girl at work whose boyfriend is being a knob and she has been accused of being too nice. So she is now reading “why men prefer bitches”.
Lots of game playing and manipulation that feels less about assertiveness and more about changing yourself in order to keep the attention of a fella.
No thanks!
If ever there was a book that would coin the phrase “who says romance is dead” that would be it.
If that is what it apparently takes to attract and keep a man then frankly you can keep it. It sounded exhausting and lacking in any fun or dreamy magic. Totally not for me.

But then yesterday my care along with my curiosity challenged me to bring something more. And bring it I did in a way that surprised even myself, despite the fact that I know what else lies beyond the good girl persona if you manage to reach her at a most intimate level.

I challenged myself in order to challenge them. I practically created the two versions of what they were talking about. The good girl and the bad girl, both at play in trying to see beyond the headache inducing aftershave.
And I won’t lie, it was a little fun. And I was surprised at just how comfortable I felt in being both.
Did it achieve anything? Yes I think so. In trying to create something where both can be found in one. An interesting concept for a mind where the two versions are completely split. Safety and Excitement.

My learning for myself was in thinking how these two sides coexist together within me. I have been thinking about how much I like them both but to what extent I reveal each side.
Like a Wonder Woman/Harley Quinn mash up when I superhero them up. The good and the bad. But which one is which. There is good in the bad and vice versa. They make me whole.

So I find myself entering a world that I would not usually take myself into. Can’t help feeling like I’m going to spend some weeks living inside a porn movie which makes me chuckle having referred to myself as a porncess only a couple of weeks ago.

Who said,  life takes you down roads that you are meant to travel? And whilst I am actually feeling very safe on this road I am also equally as excited in seeing the view. Because I know I am going to learn a lot.
That’s where my excitement lies and sometimes it means taking a few risks.

Harley I need you!

The Full Ticket

Some days have a thread that run well beyond my world but I relate to so easily and provides me with food for thought. It sits beyond my world of dreams and magic.
Wellbeing! It feels like one of those buzz words that has found its way into the mainstream in a way that makes it seem as though the stigmas and barriers attached to it have been removed and that we are all now sensitive and understanding of the wellbeing of others and ourselves.
And thankfully there is an element of truth in that. We seem to become increasingly more aware of that through the attention of  the media and education.
And yet…
if I turn it round on myself, sometines/often I have such a sense of well-being and other times, not so much. And never have I been more aware of that in both my work and personal life. Right now it is consuming my work. Both in being with others in their moments of being lost and in my other job where I am working on my workplace’s initiative in helping to provide better support in health and well-being. But what I notice, is it is always about someone else. It is something that affects other people not me or you.
The reality in fact is that it affects all of us in differing ways.
I was chatting to black panther about resilience. Can you learn it? Of course there are steps or strategies that you can employ to help you become more resilient.
But for me resilience is actually learnt through experience. You survive something and you have something to draw on the next time something difficult comes your way. I only have to watch my girl to see that. I never gave her a lesson in it but when I see her fall she learns from it and the next time picks herself up a little more easily. Or sometimes not. Another experience of learning.
In fact sometimes when life rolls along so easily, the fall can be so much harder.
I then spoke to aqua man who told me about a friend he hasn’t spoken to for some time who has reached out to him. He is struggling and aquaman of course wants to help. He understands what it looks like. Beneath all his tough bravado he is probably one of the kindest, sweetest and most genuinely caring people I know. Quietly he will be a rock because he cares about the people he cares about and never turns his back no matter what is happening with him. But I know he carries his own. I often say to him.. who looks after you. He laughs at me and says, I don’t need looking after but nice to know you care.
I was left thinking today about how much we carry. All of us. As I sit and look at people on the tube I very often wonder to myself what people are thinking about. All of those minds whirring round and round. A billion thoughts in one small carriage, each of us working things out as we talk to ourselves. I find myself thinking of all sorts of things all the time.. sometimes in total and utter dreaminess and other times in working out puzzles and riddles that mean something to me. When I started a journey a few years back it never even crossed my mind that it would live beyond those 3 years. But like Pandora’s box, once it was opened there was no closing it again and putting back the contents. It was out, and believe me, I have  many moments where I would like to close the lid and live in a world of ignorance is bliss. But you can’t go back and more than often they take me to something more… eventually. But “a cocktail of emotions” is exactly what it looks like. And that cocktail can be wonderful and awful and everything in between. And very often we drink those cocktails all by ourselves.
I called this post being the full ticket. A phrase I grew up with. I am the full ticket despite feeling like sometimes I cope with life better than in other times. Its what makes me a human not a robot. And there is nothing wrong with that. We all have ups and downs even when apparently you are supposed to know all the answers to a perfect and happy life. What even is that?
I can see the dreamy and magic in so much which makes me happy but I still get sad or need help.
So perhaps what might be more helpful is if everyone admitted that they don’t have all the answers to perfection either. That we are all muddling along, doing our best, finding our way in searching for that elusive place called Eutopia . My ticket says that it is valid for a lifetime, can take me anywhere, I might go all round the houses on a route that takes me through some less than wonderful scenery and sometimes I might want to get off, but if I’m lucky and I believe in the driver, that I will visit a whole array of beautiful and amazing places too.
As Peter Pan said to Wendy … to live will be an awfully big adventure.
And knowing that adventures aren’t always easy, is something worth remembering for ourselves and others.

Because that’s ok.

 

Something

What a very strange life this is. From reaching my lowest point this morning in the most significant ending of my life I found my way back to the very beginning. Or more correctly, I was found. By the person who searched for me in all my favourite spots in the hope of finding me.
And find me he finally did. In the forest where I feel safe.
In all of the last 20 months I have managed to keep going. This morning I just could not. And I messaged my boss to say so. As the superhero he is, his words to me were “just you take care of yourself”
As I got in the car I didn’t know where I was going. I felt completely distraught that the dream I once lived had ended. Only as I wrote about it did I realise just how much that meant to me.
As endings go this was the worst one ever because LOVE should be enough. If it isn’t then what the hell are we all doing?
As he walked up to me we both cried. Shared tears that were so sorrowful in the realisation of what we had thrown away. An epic fuck up of the highest standards but perhaps it needed to be so epic to realise and see the specialness of what had been lost and what was still there.
His words were ground shakingly incredible .. we have the power to make life whatever we want it to be. No rules. I don’t care what it is as long as you are in it with me. I love you in everything you are. You make me feel like the world could be ours.
And those words needed to be said to me in exactly that moment when I had completely given up hope.
I have never felt so exhausted in reaching the end of something only to find myself right back at the beginning.
And the fear that had engulfed me in trying to resolve, disappeared in a second. Because there was nothing surrounding it anymore. It had finished and played out in every single way. We had reached the end and were walking away to start new chapters.
And I felt brave enough to do that to try and find the happiness I think I deserve
But…
In that magical moment I knew that he really loved me and that I still loved him back. And all the hurt and fear floated away.

To start again from scratch with no expectations other than to refind our happiness.. well that’s a dream I can buy in to. I don’t need a thing other than to feel free and to be loved in all that I am.
And in that moment he gave me the assurance of both.
And I felt like we were again the boy and girl that met when we were twenty. And I trusted him.

All the pain from all those months suddenly felt worth it in the pursuit of change. No longer fitting to expectations but talks of  travels and new adventures as we always had, before life had swirled around us with struggles and heartache. Life can be tough and test even the strongest of love. And yet there we were, still standing in that forest together.

And suddenly out of absolutely nowhere like a dream that even I didn’t believe in, I found my happiness in a place of familiarity. And it felt new but also beautifully reminiscent of a time when anything was possible.

I had felt something bigger than me but when I said “something” I certainly was not expecting that.