Sometimes little stepping stones lead me to somewhere new. Thoughts and feelings that I hold inside that make sense to me in my own personal way that haven’t been framed by any particular influence only the way I live my life and who I wish to be in this world. My reminder of a film that captured the imagination of a kid who has always felt a bit different led me to look at the meaning of words and elements of the culture that surrounded it. As I related to the broken bonsai tree that was split in a moment of good intentions. The big mistake that was felt in taking it from its safe place where it was sheltered and being protected. The deeply felt sadness in feeling I had ruined what once existed that felt so very alive and well. A naivety felt in not knowing what might result in choices that were made completely from the heart. To feel so much like that little bonsai tree which felt so completely broken and seemingly beyond repair. And yet with time love and care it eventually mended and was able to flower again. It’s strong roots providing the ability to self heal. A process that is very much ongoing in myself. The wonder of enlightening moments as I naturally feel these thoughts when I relate in my own childlike way to something only to then find a deeper and more spiritual meaning as I investigate a little more. To find these thoughts and feelings in philosophies that I know nothing about. An internal and natural learning that comes without books and education but then find some place as I curiously investigate what sits behind things that are completely new to me. Hesitant in wishing to ride down the road of one trail of thought or other in books. Not wanting to limit my thinking by attaching to anything in its entirety. But in this very moment today really liking the connection to something that resonates with me and might hold more learning in a way I wish to learn.
And now connecting to some stepping stones that didn’t hold meaning on their own but when connected together have suddenly become an unconscious part of the point that I have reached without trying to get there. Was there additional guidance without me realising as I think back to the Japanese garden that I walked through and the closed Buddhist temple that was shared with me but caught a little glimpse of it through a tiny gap in the fence. At the time being collected and held amongst all the other various wonders but holding no relevance. And yet as my internet searches took me from one brief description to another I stopped as I found myself in Humanistic Buddhism and felt an unexpected fit to the quiet root of who I am. And a wish to understand more.
“Humanism means to me I’ve got the opportunity To realize that I am free To take responsibility.
To me, it doesn’t seem so odd That many people pray to God Whenever they are feeling low — It’s just the way they have to go.
But when I do not know the way I do not feel the need to pray. I use my brain to figure out What the problem’s all about.
I’m grateful that I have my eyes To see the beauty of the skies, I’m glad I have my ears to hear The voices of my friends so dear.
But best of all, my brains the one That figures out what must be done To help me run a better race, To make the world a better place.”
This has made me feel very happy as I go off to cut the grass and potter around in the quiet and isolation of my own little garden.
And strongly feeling a wish to grow my own little bonsai tree.
Over the past couple of weeks I feel like I have morphed into Daniel San as I channel my inner Mr Miyagi.
If you’ve never seen The karate kid then you will have absolutely no idea what I’m on about but think of Cobra Kai Dojo as the external world. It can feel loud and harsh and unforgiving and unless you join in or are part of it all then it can feel like you are a nobody.
I’m totally in the M Dojo zone right now. This karate kid is finding her way again. Very carefully and slowly. It’s a very bumpy and unmade road.
The big invisible thing still swirling as the roller coaster of illness continues to take me to sudden lows in seeing and feeling their pain and sadness that is relentless but has now become the everyday normality. It’s a strange feeling to become so accepting of something so horrible. What, a few months ago, felt like an intense build to finality, has dispersed into something different. Like a terrible limp. Confusion reigns in everyone bracing themselves for what they remember from before but has not happened in the same way. It feels awful to say that out loud. As though it is a disappointment. In fact it’s more tiredness. Not knowing. Minds that have no peace. Life but not living, care without hope.
It can easily eat away at me in trying to find the purpose in it all other than thinking “is this what real love is?” It’s hard to know anymore even though I believe I feel love in a multitude of ways for different people. I can tell my girl feels similarly. Her emotions fluctuating as she can never find that solid ground in how to feel.
Is it awful to say that I hope when my time comes it is fast and kind and I get to provide those I love and who need it, a moment to say goodbye.
I have felt myself drowning in it as it is difficult to find the positive in hopeless. To always find the right things to say and do. The truth of the matter is that he will die and the lead up to that is filled in the main with difficulty and sorrow. I often wonder how P even copes. It is so all consuming.
My motivation has become a quiet and gentle voice from within. A much kinder and more forgiving voice that is showing me some love. This quiet voice is reminding me of the lessons in every day ways that on the surface appear to just look like cleaning, decorating, gardening and caring, working, exercise. They are in fact all part of the M Dojo training regime. Actually they are integral to the training. The real life of the average Karate Kid. In this Dojo it’s less about wanting to fight and more about creating a happy and peaceful state of mind. If I feel good inside then I can deal with anything beyond.
I laugh as I write. Calling my inner me Mr Miyagi in order to make sense of where I’m at. I have lived in this head all my life and the random craziness that can be conjured up in a moment can leave me chuckling to myself for weeks. This is the way my mind works. I may receive inspirations for thought from different external sources but if it doesn’t come from the inside in how I relate, think or feel about it then it has very little impact on me.
Anyways I practically want to put a bandana round my head. Can I borrow your yellow one cloud monkey? After the appearance of the real karate kid on the tv a few days ago it reminded me of Ralph Macchio on a poster on my bedroom wall. I was either going to marry him or Michael J Fox. I wasn’t fussed. Dreamy!!! I didn’t marry either but I did once stand on a rock by the sea as a kid, looking like a nutcase, as I recreated the crane. Who hasn’t imagined taking down those people who have not treated you so nice, with one killer scissor kick while an eighties anthem plays loud in the background and some hot guy/chick runs in to congratulate you in doing everyone a favour. Or am I the only one who ever thought that? 😂
Was it a coincidence that I’ve been helping my friend paint the whole of her house in one colour?! Long up and down paint strokes. It’s all in the Wrist action Miyagi said, as any teenage boy will confirm. Or as I wash my bathroom floor I suddenly start moving the scrubbing brush in circular motions as if to “sand the floor” or “wipe on wipe off” as I buff up super soft skin every day with a little moisturising oil.
These aren’t just every day jobs. This is me in the process of becoming match fit as I finally find myself in a position to reach for the next step up.
Yes it’s all about choices. And who wants to admit that they didn’t have any because they have no money. Did I really wish to make myself feel even smaller.
My newly approved mortgage is now going through. Hopefully in place by the end of the month. This very practical element in itself is a huge step forward for me as I have been juggling money for the past 2 years when I found myself trying to sort out a crazy mess. Holding so much worry in that.. back at the start not knowing if I could buy shopping or if my card would reject as I tried to get to work on the train. It felt desperate. I lost so much sleep. Trying my hardest to hold on to that little piece of security that we both worked so very hard for, through half our live. Trying to carry us all to the other side when I couldn’t cope myself. I never want to ever find myself in that position again. I felt the value of security. I was exhausted when I hit Christmas not realising that covid was round the corner where P would lose his livelihood, his dad’s cancer would worsen, and I would finally feel the full effects of everything that had happened through those few years.
I mean it’s just a flat. It looks like nothing to others but that is the product of all our grafting. All the shit that we ever put up with in our lives. All the things that we went without. It was a lot to me.
Patience M -San. . 2 years on that patience has finally put me back in a position to re borrow with a proper lender rather than some emergency nowhere else to go cowboy firm. I feel on more secure ground. It feels like a massive weight lifted just in much more manageable repayments. Im taking a massive breathe again for a moment before I exhale and start again. Regaining security for my girl is so very important to me. I don’t really care where I live. This flat is for her.
But what it will mean in a month or so is that I can start to put some money aside for the next few months to save for a membership. I don’t want to borrow anything else. If I don’t have it in cash then I’ll go without. Save save save. I need to get the basics in place if I’m going to rebuild. Only I’m building on foundations that feel more solid. My roots feel deep and strong. I need money for sure but it will never be my motivation. I only need enough. Enough not to worry and to have choices. Anything more I would always share.
As for having my voice heard I am trying in different ways. Putting my hat in the ring to manage the apprenticeships. Stating my case in how we might create more diversity by challenging how we recruit. Does everyone have to come through that one sane route. My voice was picked up and taken forward. I have an opportunity to change something very small but in a real way. The current thinking being very narrow. I’m trying to widen it in ways where a real difference can be made even if that is only for one person. I can’t change what I have no part of but perhaps I can in what do. I sure am gonna try.
I’ve sat in enough meetings through the years where the ideas go round and round and no one ever does anything. I’m a project girl. Give me something meaningful to do and I will go away and make it happen. I’m a dreamer for sure but I’m also a practical girl who will happily get her hands dirty and likes to get things done in a way they will make a difference. When I care about something you get all of me.
Funny .. I put a couple of quid on talkischeap in the Grand National on Saturday. He pulled up after the 25th fence.
My eyes are definitely starting to scan for opportunities where I might be able to add some value when I have more time and energy to give.
I am finding myself a little more motivated every single day as my quiet confidence grows within. I’m feeling the energy from riding my bike every morning. Blimey .. Im even seeing abs appear 😂 And now I am swimming again I feel like I’m heading into summer as a lean mean bikini clad machine. The outfit of choice for this beach loving karate kid.
But as the country starts to open up and everyone is let loose, I’m staying focussed within. The same responsibilities and jobs still exist for me. My time is limited and precious. I do get very tired but I’m trying to use the momentum. Right now using this current motivation to do all the practical things that need attention here. Fixing, painting, clearing out. The sort of stuff others did through lockdown in their boredom. The sort of stuff I’ve been helping others with. But now I’m bringing it home. These things are all part of trying to move forward. And I’m keeping my head down despite the lifted restrictions.
In the end Life for me is all about how you did it rather than what you did. I don’t want or need to be the best. Ive only ever wanted to try to be the best version of me and do it with a smile. I’m trying!!!!
Today I turned a corner in feeling like a somebody. Not in the sense of the word that others would think of a somebody. Nothing has changed. I’m not known for anything amazing, I’m not high up in the rankings of important people, I don’t have a voice that people stop and listen to … but as I walked round the corner to my local shops with a little spring in my step listening to this tune I was so aware of the feeling I was holding. An invisible confidence in just being quiet. All the anger and frustration in others who think themselves better had finally subsided. No need to compete or compare myself to what I have no wish to be. I only want to be peaceful and happy. I felt the lightness of that and wanted to share it. Still no plan other than Just to do things in my own way. Welcoming anyone who wishes to be part of that. I’ll make you feel at home. You’ll be loved and cared about and we will have so much fun and laughs.
As I walked I knew that’s what I was giving out as I looked at people and smiled and they smiled or waved back. It was so lovely. I really felt the many connections today. Old and young. Men and women. Black Brown and White.. Whoever passed me. A smile knows no bounds.
I felt like a girl. Ten years fell away from me just like that. A good nights sleep and a wish to feel the lightness that has always been my way. It was like the worry lines vanished and only the smile lines remained.
I woke up with a feeling of happy and light hearted quietness. Old style!
As I walked towards the alleyway behind the train and bus station I saw an Indian kid of about 18 being dropped off and head down the alley in front of me. What happened next made me smile in a way that only my friend will really understand. As he got about halfway through the alley in a spot where he probably thought no one might see him, he started to skip. I mean properly skip … like a young boy. It felt so joyful. As he turned the corner, a little way behind him, in a place where he wouldn’t see me, I skipped too. That really happened! Can you believe it!
I wonder what his inspiration was. In that moment I could feel mine.
I like simple living and trying to make a difference. Trying to make a difference gives me purpose and makes me feel part of more in a way I wish to feel more. As for adventure and excitement.. well that just makes me feel joyful and happy and provides the balance that I need. That’s where I’m at today ❤️
“Ce soir la lune reve avec plus de paresse Ainsi qu’une beaute sur de nombreux coussins Qui d’une main discrete et legere caresse Avant de s’endormir le contour de ses seinsSur le dos satine, des molles avalanches Mourante elle se livre aux longues pamoisons Et promene ses yeux sur les visions blanches Qui montent dans l’azur comme des floraisonsQuand parfois sur ce globe en sa longueur oisive Elle laisse filer une larme furtive Un poete pieu ennemi du sommeil Dans le creux de sa main prend cette larme pale Aux reflets urizes comme un fragment d’opale Et l’amener de son corps loin des yeux du soleil”
Yesterday morning my mum sent me a message. She was very sad in feeling so far away from everyone she loves.
Tonight I read one half of a book that has left me going to sleep thinking about love transcending everything. Powerful words spoken from a place of such realness, but talking about the difference love made to him in just being able to feel it at some unexplainable and spiritual level. I could not have felt more of a connection than in that very notion. I was blown away in reading about things that have been in my mind but in a way that make sense to me.
Sometimes I can find myself feeling embarrassed when I talk of love as though I am seen as some kind of wishy washy needy girl full of fluff and nonsense.
But he reinforced my belief that at the simplest, deepest and most spiritual level, life comes down to being able to feel that someone out there is loving you and you are loving them back.
So I go to sleep tonight never feeling more proud in being a girl who loves, and wanting to share the sentimental little song that some would laugh at but I sent to my mum yesterday because I really love her and I knew it would make her feel better.
I hope the people I love always know just how much I really do love them.
Delete Delete Delete.. Deleting post after post as I splash those quickly changing thoughts on my blog, and then make room for a new version. Lonely.. I think that might be the most used word in this ramble. I’m not quite sure how I feel. Just quiet I think. But feeling more quiet is allowing me to focus my mind in a deeper place. Trying to put my own head into some order. Which helped me to hear the birds this morning through my opened window like the original Disney Princess. It was lovely to hear their song. Quiet is an under rated quality and pleasure and feeling.
I asked the question in my last deleted post in how the repair shop might fix me. But while watching the repair shop me and my girl had both agreed that there was something lovely in things not being perfect. In fact when I think of things I hold special, it is because they remind me of a time gone by. To completely renovate them would lose something of the magic that exists through wear and tear. A perfect article would lose its charm. It’s why I love real books so much. Old fashioned I may be but I live what I love. So maybe less repair and more rejuvenate. I want to feel good about all of me. Inside and out. So that when the world opens up again, and I have more choices, that I use all that quiet potential I am hiding inside for something really wonderful. I know I am capable of so much given the chance and the means and a little bit of luck. I have nothing to prove to anyone else. I have proved so much to myself. But I do wish to try to use my life for something meaningful. Some people want to be rich and successful and admired. I really don’t care about those things at all. But being everything I can be would be wonderful, spending my time trying to help others would be incredible and I’d just like be the really happy girl again. She is smiley and dreamy and fun and warm and loving. And she skips through life like a child. She exists but it’s just not her time right now. Sometimes life requires a different version. I’m digging deeper for her.
There are a lot of things that I see flying around. The motivational stuff that does the rounds. I avoid it a lot as I need to find my own version. I can’t swallow someone else’s self help book and make it mine. I have to think about what is bothering me. Unpick it, dissect it, see it from one perspective and then look at it again from another. At that point I read a little or watch things that add something else to the mix. I have to work out what it means to me and why. It’s all a bit long winded and rarely ends up with a perfect and life changing answer but it quietly makes me grow in my own individual way. But more importantly it makes me more self aware. And as I become more aware I’m able to see and retain the parts of me that I like, or feel important to me or try to change what I don’t like or isn’t helpful. But I don’t want to slot into someone else’s version of what a person should be or live life in the way I’m told is better for me. Might be better for you but I’m not you. So I have to work out my own version which sometimes can feel difficult in the confines of a world created by others. Very often my version doesn’t look like theirs and I find myself not wishing to follow the many. Which leaves me on my own. I don’t do it on purpose. I guess there’s a bit of a rebel in me. But I know what makes me really happy and what doesn’t. I can’t just join in if I’m not feeling it. The thing is I really love having fun. Dancing, talking, laughing. I’m very good at it actually. Ive had a lot of practice. It’s hard to really have the sort of fun I love all by myself but I think I would just get drunk and slump in the corner if I was trying to have fun though a screen.
Oh the conflicts!
I feel like I’m finally putting my feet somewhere that feel a little more solid (which is funny as I listened to my friend talk about slippery paths, as I was reading through what I’ve written Sometimes I wonder if he is psychic. It made me laugh). When I say I’m putting my feet somewhere solid i only mean in my thinking about this current situation and how I’m feeling in it all. Where to start….
On Friday night I stood there making sausage and mash. It’s a favourite of P’s dad. He looks amaciated despite the fact that he eats every day. But the bowel cancer gets steadily worse and he has constant pains. And everything that he eats is lost moments after. What a horrible thing that is for him. It just feels like such an invasion of his dignity. It breaks my heart. It made me think of Pavel. Only there is no cruelty here .. other than the brutality of a disease that shows no mercy and strips away everything you are. I can’t really describe just how awful it is to watch a person I love deteriorate in such a terrible way. The only way to survive it is to be numb in it. He is completely detached from himself. A loss of interest in wishing to talk. The effort in being around others often feels like an effort too much. As it happened he only had two bites of dinner. I’m not the best cook but I know how to make bangers and mash. A little trifle felt easier to swallow. What feels sad is seeing someone who is very much still alive not living. The cancer is silently spreading everywhere in slow motion. No change in the liver but it keeps Spreading beyond. It can’t be stopped but it’s certainly in no rush. And therefore he is in bed most of the time feeling unwell. Where is his quality of life. He can’t see anyone else, he can’t go anywhere. He just looks so sad and with too much time to think. I wonder what his thoughts are. I try to get him talking but he rarely wants to. Coming alive in the odd moment on the phone to his brother or friend when he sounds like he has all the energy in the world. But as the receiver goes down so does he. As he tiredly rolls over in bed. What is obvious is that he feels so very alone.
Meanwhile my girl has been feeling very sad over the past few days. Life of a 19 year old who loves to dance was feeling a little too restricted. She is a girl who just gets on with it. Showing her frustrations in moments but trying to make the best of stuff. She’s an only child. I don’t know if that makes her more self sufficient but she is very independent. But she does like being around me or P. She likes it when he is here. They sit and laugh together and watch a programme they like sharing and just like when she was a little girl she looks to him for cuddles. With me she looks for a friend to talk to. I just let her free flow. She cried and cried and reeled off all the things that are making her sad and insecure. A time that should be so carefree and wonderful for her is full of angst in not being able to make new friends at uni, or evolve in her own independence, or have fun and be crazy in the way you should at that age and feeling all of the usual pressures of a young woman trying to match the image of beauty created by ? Who creates that? Social media often feels like a burden to her.
Is that why I dislike it so much. Is it hers or mine. It all gets a bit scrambled up. I am a sponge. I certainly am feeling a lot of the emotions of others. I went to bed last night feeling exhausted but with a smile in the beautiful message my girl sent me from her bed. It’s lovely to feel loved. An appreciation from someone whose opinion matters to me. I keep my head down and get on with stuff but she says she sees all of the different ways I try. And that I’m kind. And I’m not “mumsy” whatever that means. I think it means that I’m more of a teenager than her sometimes. Who looks after who? Whenever I look like I am struggling or I feel hurt by something or someone or I feel like I don’t matter, she always sees it and reminds me that she loves me. I’m so lucky that we have always been really close. She is as protective of me as I am of her. I will be so happy for her when life allows her to just be free and have fun again. She asked whether life will ever be like it was again. Like many other parents I’m sure, it makes me really sad seeing her miss time in being young. It’s the best bit. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s the most carefree time of your life. It’s what you reach back for in the shit moments to remind yourself of a time when you felt completely free. I missed some of it too. I guess I made up for it along the way. I’m sure she will as well.
Yes it can be very easy to feel demoralised. Especially as time keeps ticking on. Inside in moments feeling “it’s not fair”. Nope it’s not fair. For many many people. Some much more than others. Many more than me. I know what I have. There is no more equality in this situation than any other. Yep life ain’t fair. There it is. The truth exactly as it is. What are we gonna do. Lie down and go boohoo boohoo. I do that sometimes. It’s good to have a little blub. Got to get it out somehow but then what. It’s all about getting back up again. And sometimes I’ve found myself wondering “ for what?” Good things don’t always come to those who wait, cheats often do prosper and sometimes the circle is broken and those good things you do don’t ever come back. It’s like the kid at school who had all the money to buy hundreds of raffle tickets and always won the magic set. Every year. He didn’t even care about the prize. He was only interested in winning. I doubt they ever got taken out of the box. I can only ever wonder what magic I might have created if I had won. ( ha I really do need to let that one go 😂) But then who needs a magic set when you can create your own. And that’s what it comes down to. There is always someone who is much worse off than me. I’ve been reminding myself of the bravery of others a lot lately. Of what is really important in life. And what has real value. I know it but in tiredness and worry it can easily get lost. Funny as I was thinking about exactly that, black panther sent something to me. Timing! He has been through this very same thing twice. Just as I shouted out for him back then, he is throwing it right back to me. A circle that is very much intact. But even with perspective and self talk, sometimes its still really hard. I know myself that I’ve felt completely squashed and while I’ve felt that there have been people who have walked all over me without a care in the world. And all the times I’ve tried and tried and tried but then new obstacles present themselves one after the other and I think “I cant do it” before then thinking “yes I can .. if I can just get over this hurdle I will get to something better.”
And yet what I am actually missing all the way along is that this is all my life and there is something better. And that something is me. Because while all this stuff swirls around me and I keep on going, I am also changing and growing. Maybe it feels like wear and tear but perhaps that means I’m having a useful purpose. Rather than just sitting around looking pretty but doing very little else other than decorate. And as I have found my way through the really difficult stuff that life has thrown at me, I’ve got up and got through it in a way that I can feel proud of. A little more battered and bruised but without becoming bitter or losing my ability to love and care about others. There’s a whole lot of rejuvenation that comes from love and care. How easy it would be to lose the very best parts of me. The stuff that matters. But she hangs on in there. It’s the strongest part.
And yet I’m only human. I never felt the cynical in me so much as in the past four years. Looking at the inequality’s of life. Those hidden senses of entitlement. Looking down on others just because they have more. More of what? I would question. But I’ve never wanted to be like that. I’m me in all my funny little ways. But those ways care about more than just me. My friend recommended a book. About someone’s struggle and how they kept going. I’m waiting for it to come. Inspiration from a source that feels it will hold a lot of weight for me. In the end I wouldn’t want to be made differently. I need to feel proud of the choices I make. And as much as I’d love life to give me everything I want, I don’t actually want life to be all about me. Life is about what you do not what you get. But it can feel like a much more difficult path. I’m no idiot. I know how this stuff works. Know your own worth blah blah blah. But what about the worth of others too. Can I try and find that balance. And as I wish to live the best life I can, it often means accepting things for the way they are. Won’t stop me fighting for myself and others. Theres all sorts of strength and magic and beauty that exists in places that are hidden.
So I’m obviously caught in all sorts of trails of thought. I’m chatting so I might as well ramble the lot.
Todays thought is about Deindividuation. I read The Veldt by Ray Bradbury. I ordered it after watching a music video That was shared with me by my friend. I had seen it before but I always meant to ask why they shared it? What it meant to them.
The story behind it resonating with me in my struggles and lack of love with the virtual world. I liked this story.
So if I have no love for this virtual world why does it bother me? Because in this current situation It makes me feel even more isolated. You’re in or you’re out. Previous to this pandemic it didn’t even cross my mind. But loneliness works in mysterious ways. What I didn’t want to be part of suddenly becomes the only thing to be part of.
And then thinking about the difference in group mentality in real life in contrast to online.
And today’s thought is also a follow on from the various things I have been watching that make me wonder about group mentality. Something I’m also interested in understanding more about. How groups function and what happens to individuals within them. What is the loss of individuality that comes from conformity. I guess I’m on a trail of self awareness in my own feelings related to social media and also my insecurity in my external appearance and how that has been brought to life in lockdown. It feels so small and yet suddenly has been triggered and felt like a source of pressure and anxiety in not “joining in” and not wishing to be seen. So much so that I have felt the need to hide completely. It’s easy to feel like I’m not a part of the world because I’m invisible within the virtual one. Knowing that previously It felt like a choice. It still is a choice. Only one that seems to come with bigger consequences. Out of sight out of mind. After all there are a squillion replacements of me in a second and one touch of a button. More is more in that world. Which immediately makes me feel less.
This little investigation is all about self awareness in my relationship with myself and also with others. Im actually very self aware. Even though technically self awareness is not a journey I’ve been on for that long really .. but I still understand myself pretty well. I’ve always been a thinker. My whole life. Even as a kid. I could lie on the grass looking up at the clouds and think about all sorts of things for hours, until the sun went down. Dreamy yes, deep thinking, absolutely. I’m just made that way. I guess I got caught up with other things along the way. Being young and having fun and then having a family. I suppose I was too busy to really dig into this stuff. Happy and loving was all I really needed at that point. Since the age of 20 I was really happy in life so I didn’t much need to dig around. But then I hit a crossroads in thinking about where I might go next. Finding new meaning for my life beyond being a mum. I love being a mum but Ive never been the controlling type that wants to live life through my girl. I like that we are friends. And I love watching and hearing about her adventures. But I am also an adventurer. And need to do my own things too. Looking for mystery and fun and new and magical experiences. I found a space to try to be more by going on my own mini adventure. Not so mini to me actually. I waited ages to get the chance. And as I started digging I found that box that had been hidden away for a long time and Once I opened it everything came tumbling out. It’s no surprise that with everything else that happened it knocked me for six. There was some very big stuff in that box. I say no surprise. Actually I was completely clueless. I’m laughing to myself which feels like another very positive step forward. I mean there is clueless and there is clueless. I just thought it was going to be an adventure full of fun and friendships and nights out. What a very big surprise for me to find I had bitten off more than I could chew. Or had I. I survived to tell the tale. Feeling a little more at peace now in what that experience was and how much it impacted me. But also how in amongst that I actually did have many incredible and wonderful experiences. It’s felt easier to put it behind me since leaving the group. What I know is that at the time I gave everything to that adventure in ways that I don’t believe everyone did. The past four years have been very painful but the risks that I took also gave me some things that I really wished for and will be treasured for life. I may have looked like some kind of crazy in many many moments but when I think about everything I’ve been through I feel pretty proud of myself in that. And also how much I still helped others at the same time and what an achievement feels for me. Perhaps it appears that others have achieved much more but when I think of the fuss that I often heard over a 2500 word essay, and how much time got wasted talking about it, I realise just how much I was able to juggle through a really difficult time in my life. Perspective is everything. And I did get that bit of paper just like like everyone else. What it shows me that I am always capable Of more. Im no genius but my specialised subject is my life. I’ve lived one. I’m interested in everything to do with life as well as all the other potential that grows in me as I explore. Right now I wish to take care of others in a way I can feel proud of. These are the important things of life. The moments that really matter. Life is harsh. And you need to have a few really great people in your life that will be there for you when it is all a bit shit and there is no glamour. But I’m also still learning so much about myself and others within it. Finding out what I’m made of and what I’m not. The past four years have been all about that and I’m still moving, still hanging in there, still looking after others and still trying to be a decent human. Life might look a little pear shaped on the surface but inside I feel good about who I am. Not needing anyone else’s approval in that. I know I’m doing what I feel is right. What ”I” feel is right.
As for hiding away, I’ll give it some more thought. Feeling the deep root of a history of external judgements. I don’t want to let these things affect I how I see myself. And combined with social media and the online concept of everything being on demand and disposable, I guess it’s a minefield for every insecurity that exists. Am I really missing out on all the fun? Does this virtual world really offer the same as the real world and more than I have in isolation? Does anyone even care who else is in that world? Or is it all just about being seen? I know when I listen to others talk about the burdens of it that life without it feels easier In not having to meet the expectations of a crowd where everything has to be perfect otherwise the trolls will come scurrying out to put you down. They can say it to your face but without revealing themselves. Reminds me of the carnage of those pieces of paper at that residential. In my own inner world I always know who the people are that are really important to me. Even if they aren’t always visible. I carry them with me all the time. Perhaps I sometimes worry if they do the same with me.
Like everyone I have a lots of blind spots but I can dig pretty deep into different things to find my own answers. I certainly don’t think I’m perfect. Not by a mile. But although it may often seem as though I have a whole load of stuff going on that makes me look like some sort of basket case, in fact, despite many fuck ups in life and having lots of insecurities, I know what they are. But rather than just gloss over them with a mantra of reconditioned thinking that will make me function in a way that fits with the crowd, I prefer to unravel the whole mess until I can properly get into the root. Simplicity in love. Details in the rest. When the time is right for me, I know I can do anything. I feel it. Something lying ahead that can’t be forced in the panic to not waste precious time. I don’t even know what it is. But I have hope there is something more to come. I’m not a planner. I tend to do things spontaneously. So I won’t know what it is until I see it. But I do plan on being in a place within myself where I’m open to more and that’s gonna take some work. So while others have forged ahead on a particular path with their carefully thought out plans, Im wandering about, out of view, in no mans land, working things out. And while doing that I have realised how little of my life I’ve actually wasted. Even in all the struggles. And how much in my life I have loved and been loved. And at this point in the show that feels like a pretty good place to be. So whatever lies ahead, I know from experience that I am able to follow my heart and I always always go the extra mile. I’m a girl who knows how to love. And I never say I love you unless I really mean it. And all of that doesn’t feel too shabby for this less than perfect individual!
I deleted two posts the other day. Two more today. I can’t quite put my finger on why. It’s like I’m thinking out loud but my thoughts are fleeting. Like I’m flitting from here to there to here. Never settling often contradicting. It feels chaotic but I feel calm. In between looking after others and working I am quietly exploring and investigating. Watching things, reading things, searching for things to educate, inspire, motivate and provide some version of intellectual, mental and emotional stimulation. That part of me fighting with the person who writes. I don’t want to heat my thoughts. I wish to hear the thoughts of others. When I delete I feel like I’m trying to silence myself for a moment. Creating a space from the virtual world I don’t feel part of because it feels smaller despite its size. Looking for different than the same. Wanting to find what I don’t know.
Today I read messages from the four women friends that I feel closest to. That I trust the most. Am image, a statement and a three way convo. Their friendship provides me with something solid. Holding the best of what it means to be a woman
I’m glad that I have that safe place to be especially while I try to be silent for a moment.
Yesterday I noticed the coat that had been hanging over the chair at my little dinner table since Christmas Day. What’s that wording I thought? SEB Skandinaviska Enskilda Banken. What? The place where Bjorn Again sang at our Christmas lunch, I drove a tank faster than I was meant to and I lost my shoes over the side of a Party boat along the Thames. Another crazy little chapter full of stuff.
And then I remembered that 20 years ago for some completely unknown reason, my employer had offered us a free branded coat. Had I been working for Chanel I would have been all over it but I wasn’t really feeling Barbour country wear. “I’m never gonna wear that” I thought. Didn’t really go with short skirts and high heels which was my look of the day back then as i sashayed through our Swedish office like I was Agneta about to break into Dancing Queen. But that thought was closely followed by “but I know a man who will”. So I ordered an extra large and gave it to P’s dad. It was a proper nice quality coat as it happened and he didn’t care a less about the logo. He was well chuffed. I smiled that all these years later he was still wearing it. I wonder what happened to everyone else’s.
What is happening right now with him goes well beyond just wanting to help P. I care about him very much just as I did for J.
Life feels chaotic and complicated. I woke up this morning feeling so frustrated with life and with myself. Had to get up before I screamed. What a complete bloody mess. Financially, practically and in feelings Who am I kidding? Im not in control of anything. I’m just being pulled along on a wave and trying not to go under. I haven’t got a fucking clue what I’m doing. I’m just trying to keep going and hope there is an other side. A side where I might be able to make a single choice based on who I am and how I feel as opposed to, just try to survive. And in moments like this I get scared and wonder if perhaps I’m all done with adventures and I am being forced to grow up. Something I’ve managed to swerve inside as I remain like the eternal kid who just wants to go out to play. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never swerved my responsibilities but always doing those in my own way. Thinking about Upscaling, home furnishings, or the master plan for my child never even registered with me. And listening to others do that grown up small talk about such things always sends me into a very deep coma. I did all the stuff you need to do as a parent but a bit like homework at school I got all the boring stuff done fast and passable so that we could just go and enjoy all the fun stuff. Riding our bikes, going to the park, having tea parties with teddy bears.
It’s not like I worry about getting older. Its just a fact of life. But I love adventures and I still have the energy and fun to have more. There’s a difference in what you see on the outside to what lies inside.
I mean of course it would be lovely if we could get older but still look twenty forever. I mean I had a pretty kicking bikini body back then but I can still get away with one now. I can live with that.
But if I have to gradually look older at least I always have the dreamy kid inside to do it with. She’s never changed. She can make believe the whole lot and take me on all sorts of adventures. She doesn’t look older, feel older, or care about getting older. Because she never changes. She’ll be rocking it till her last blow.
When I think of my closest friends I think about them like we are 12 years old. And wanting to take them on adventures with me. These are the people I love to share with. They are the little gang that don’t all know each other but they all bring something really special to the party.
I feel especially warm and fuzzy to my closest friends right now. Maybe not closest in distance or closest in being part of my day to day but if I think of them in where they are held in my heart then they couldn’t be any nearer to the centre. Like the real treasures that I found on my adventures that might be disguised to others but I see the wonderful secrets of who they are.
Of course I have my little M. She is my girl but she is also my friend. She being the closest in my day to day life and as with all my friends only ever needing to be herself. Just that very thing makes me the proudest I can feel in life in being part of hers. Giving a meaning to my life in loving and being loved.
K who just gave me the most beautiful book I ever read. Ever!!! I can’t stop looking at it. Keeping it close by like a friend holding my hand. If I said I was looking for things that had a purity to them then my friend K gave me exactly that in something so beautiful and inspiring in its childlike simplicity. I can’t even begin to express what a difference it has made to how I feel inside ever since I opened it. Like someone talking to the child in me in a language that I can hear and understand. As though I am at the bottom of my bed listening to My imaginary friends. Reminding me of things I should know and feel but I struggle every single day with. The kind of feelings that I find so easy to wish for others but find so much harder to accept for myself. Being so unforgiving of myself in a way that I pretend to be of my dad but secretly inside I don’t feel like that at all. I love him as much as I did when I was a little girl but I just can’t bear any more heartache. It just hurts too much and it feels easier to hurt myself than feel hurt by him.
But K with her beautiful book reminded me to try to be kinder to myself and also to feel proud of who I am in all my imperfectness. She just blows me away in how compassionate and beautiful she is. I remember someone clumsily saying once “speak up. I can’t hear you”. but unfortunately they weren’t listening. As is so often the case, the most creative and interesting and intelligent and beautiful voices find a way of sharing that doesn’t require them to shout the loudest or overpower others. Often those that do, end up missing out on all the wonder that is sitting right there in front of them. It is missed because they don’t take time or care in understanding a different way of speaking. When I ask what her shares mean to her I am left in pure wonderment. This unassuming person is such a powerhouse in deciding to do things in life and then doing them. And contained within so much humility is a depth of thought and feeling that leaves me inspired and wishing to learn more. If it were to all come out in one go I believe it would light up the whole night sky and the universe beyond. There is so much hidden that must make her inner world the most fascinating and fantastical place to explore. Can I just feel lucky in capturing a little of her light which has made my life a whole lot lovelier since she became my friend.
L who thoughtfully shares herself in all her little touches of creativity. A card with a forest fairy princess carrying a robin, or a pixiebell tag, or lovingly embroidering my Cinderella slipper. She keeps it real and funny and makes it all magic. Always wanting the best for others but so deserving of the best herself. She makes me feel like I’m a friend worth having. Whereas I feel like I hit the jackpot in finding her. Doesn’t time fly L. But don’t we have so many shared little moments of golden time. Alongside another M with her always sweet words. A heart that she gave me in a colour of remembering. She provides the faith that all will be well which comes from a place that she has faith in. I’m not sure I ever met someone who did so much good doing for others but can shake her booty like a gorgeous diva. Independent and strong and yet with a beautiful softness and fun.
S codename B who gave me a big little elephant to remind me of our everlasting strong and enduring friendship. We have seen through so much in life. Sharing crazy and fun moments and been a part of each other’s difficulties and sadnesses. A bond that was made when we were young crazy carefree girls and is unchanged.
And D. The most complicated friend I ever had who sends me dreamy inspirations that keep me going or send me off into a dreamy spin. Who gives me a place to share just as I am with no filter or pretence. Never feeling like I have to be something. I can just rock up as me and that’s enough. Its impossible not to be fascinated and caught up in the details of all those shares back. Seeing a different world through different eyes but constantly meeting in the overlap. Shared adventures that are epic. Dreamy magic would be my description.
Sometimes it just takes a moment of quiet and thoughts of my special’s to get my coat on and go dancing in the forest.
I’ve never cared much for New Years. It has always felt like a pressure to join a party that holds no real meaning for me. I love to dance but I like to dance when I want, in my own way, to the music I love.
Even more so if I’m around those special few.
So why put off to tomorrow what I can do right now. In my head my friends will be right there dancing with me.