Fly Away

It’s a new day. I’ve slept. I feel better. Less tired. The sun has pushed the rain out of the way and I can start again. New day.
Perhaps when I move tomorrow and I’m busy working really hard to pay this mess off, I will find some peace. Instead of living in this roller coaster of emotions as the past 2 years have been. I just want it all to stop so that I can go back to a quiet place of dreamy happy.

I just want peaceful.

As I’m sitting here eating my toast I’m wishing I were a robot.
Love is what has hurt me, torn me apart, put me through the wringer, made me question myself, doubt myself, hate myself, torture myself, punish myself.
Basically it has ripped the shit out of me.
All because of the curse of my stupid heart.

Peoples responses to my heart have an impact on me. While they are all getting their fix of unconditional love and care, I am feeling all sorts of emotions to create that. I hide them of course but deep down inside I feel them swirling around me creating waves that can be oh so beautiful but also can crash against each causing havoc and chaos leaving me exhausted.
It feels like alot of people can switch their hearts on and off. Just like that. I want to be one of those.
Then I wouldn’t care about anything or anyone. I could roll along in life doing as I pleased without giving a shit of the impact on others. Screwing people over so that I could have life exactly the way I wanted it and fucking whoever I wanted and leaving them like a trail of worthless nobodies behind me.
Telling myself that’s just how everybody is. Get with the programme and wise up all you sappy people with hearts.
Perhaps if I freeze my heart I will find success in everything else.
Perhaps I will find myself competing with and beating those types who have lived like that for years, looking down on and judging others. Doing what made them rich and happy until they found themselves feeling empty. Their weakness will be my strength as I walk all over them and make them feel like they made me.
Living in a world where love doesn’t exist in me anymore.
It sounds very tempting.
……
and yet completely impossible. I’m just not made that way. I never will be. For all the stupid, weak, naive, honest and completely open hearted idiotness of who I am, my heart maybe my weakness but it is also my massive strength. Its my superpower.

It may seem to constantly hurt me but feeling love has the ability to make a difference to others. I know it.. I see it.
My heart has always felt like a curse. But one that I find myself not wanting to break. One day I will be released from it but until then I just have to live with it. And try and use it in the best way possible.

I will hold that pure and genuine love forever. I refuse to ever be cynical in that. I know what it means for me however stupid that might seem to others. I know what I feel. Perhaps that makes me a fool in love but maybe I love the fool in me.

It just warmed my heart❤️

I feel like I’m writing so much this week. Needing to clear my head. Needing to say whats inside and hidden but but not able to say it quite like it is.
I am so tired. I am trying so hard to be what I need to be. But today I have nothing. I feel very empty and wishing to just disappear. Not in that way that is a worry. Just to hide from everything that feels out of my control.
Watching everything I worked so hard for and struggled to get to slipping through my fingers in the name of doing the right thing. I know it is right. I could not walk away from the responsibility of someone I care so much about and the impact that it has on others.
But still I feel that I have failed. Failed in so much.
I gave it everything and more. I could not have tried any harder. I went beyond the limits of what I thought possible and yet still it was not enough. Because I love too much, care too much, feel too much.
I feel a part of myself dying inside and there is nothing I can do other than feel it. I’m feeling it even if I am unable to describe it.
Miss L staying close to me and looking with sad eyes in what she doesn’t understand. I don’t think anyone will really understand. Here is the only place that I can share how this feels for me.
To my world I will show happy. Maybe if I show it enough, it will be.
There is something for me in ignorance is bliss.
When you don’t know what you haven’t got it doesn’t cut you as much as when you do.
I just need to sleep and find my strength. I have lots of it.
But I feel very alone. So very alone and scared at what lies ahead of me in place of what might have been.
I have to shut that part of my brain off .
I feel horrible even feeling this way. I would never want P to know I feel like this. And there are so many people with such bigger things that they are dealing with in life.
I know I am lucky in so many different ways. I will feel that lucky when I am less tired. But I’m just giving myself a moment to feel my deep sadness. Is that ok?

Yesterday I had a day that was very sweet. In the morning a little boy in his buggy was exchanging smiles with me through the glass on the tube and then put his little hand through the gap to touch my hand. It was very sweet and his dad said.. “aaahh do you like this nice lady”. He saw Jerry sitting on my bag and I let him hold him for the journey until he fell asleep.
His dad gave him back to me when they got off.

The northern line wasn’t working when I was coming home. So I walked over the bridge but bank station was packed and I carried on walking. Down Lombard street where I first starting working when I was 16 years old.
As I trotted along with my music playing I felt a tap on my shoulder.
As I turned round I saw T smiling at me. I haven’t seen him for a couple of years. It was so lovely to see him. One of the nicest people I’ve ever known. His dad died about 5 years ago and he disappeared from most social events. He became head of his family and took the responsibility of what that was. Showing up every now and then for something special. He is living what my other friend often talks about in terms of duties.
It reminded me how important it is for him to find every piece of magic and happiness he can.
His first words were .. blimey m you’ve lost so much weight I almost didn’t recognise you.
I hadn’t even noticed.
Still a trader but nothing flash about him. He used to drive a nice motor and you know, you can tell it’s a good suit and a quality shirt. But very understated, just as he is a person. Intelligent and interesting and kind and so well mannered. A real favourite of mine. Couldn’t have been happier to see him. Are you in a rush he asked. Absolutely not I replied. So we stood at the side of the street catching up in what our lives were looking like. I held some back.
He told me he was still alone. Looking for “the one”. Do you think she is out there he asked.
For you T I have absolutely no doubt. Another person I know who deserves someone wonderful.
Last time I saw him he had told me that family were constantly trying to match him with someone suitable but they just never are. Why is that?
He laughed that he could do with a counsellor. Never wanting to bother anyone with his stuff. I’m Always happy to listen T. Mates rates of course. Cheap as chips.
When we finally said goodbye I felt sad in seeing him go. He was the perfect person to bump into in that moment. I was grateful for that coincidence.

On the tube home another little kid made friends with me. About 4 years old. Asked me if he could sit down. Course you can I said. He preceded to show me his hat, his t shirt, his monster socks. He had a little confidence and a look about him that reminded me of big J in class. I seem to bump into mini versions of them as I trot around. That’s the fifth one now.
He also took a shine to Jerry. Why is he called Jerry he asked. That’s my best friend I said.
He said he liked him. I like him too I said. He got off at Leyton and smiled and said Thankyou lady. Goodbye.

When I got in the car this was the song playing on the radio. I always really love this song. It made me cry.  I know I’m super cheesy but that’s just the way I’m made.

I don’t know why I wrote any of that. I guess it just warmed my heart.❤️

 

The world where money listens

Before  my friend went away he left me with the notion of writing about my experience of training in counselling and also how I saw my career progressing.
I laughed at the time in his ability to catch me when I had just come home, holding on to the last of my dreamy happy with so much challenge ahead of me, only to have my cage rattled as he flew past on his little cloud into the sunshine for fun and frolics.
Couldn’t help but laugh. And the contrast in where my decisions in trying to follow my heart had taken me in comparison to theirs. The never ending evidence of those with money always landing on their feet.
No matter what choices they make they always come out ok.
Always!
It’s just a fact of life.
I found myself not much wanting to write about it. I know what it looked like and how my journey going forward will compare to others. Of course I know. It irritates the hell out of me in its limitations that have no bearing on ability.
But there feels like a wasted energy in getting really angry with it. Much better to work really hard and throw my energy into what I can do and be the best I can be than moaning about the unfairness. What would that achieve. Fuck all in my experience. I think I did it a lot as an angry teenager who felt short changed.
But as I’ve started with this thought I may as well give it a little context. At some point I will revisit it when I can write about it in a much more measured, rational and less emotional way as it demands. But for now I will give a tiny slice of the uncut, unpalatable and uncensored version where the emotions of life and rawness of experience are at play.

I am a person who has always hated what money represents in this world. Greedy people who never want to share what they have because they need to be better. There’s enough money and resources in this world for everyone. But that would mean accepting that we are all equal and have the same worth. Something that we humans struggle to create. I’m not sitting on the right of good. I question my part in this all the time. I am better off financially than many others. What do I give?

But to have found it in all its glory in a world that is about helping people who are more vulnerable, does make me annoyed.
There is a big part of me that finds myself thinking if this is how it is then perhaps I would rather work in the upfront world of “The Wolf of Wall Street” where that lust for and abuse of money is shown in all its shameless hedonistic decadence.
It’s bold as brass, right where you can see it in all its honesty, saying, “This is what it is. So what!”
But in the world of therapy it is hidden behind a facade of caring, nonjudgemental and inclusive. However the machine that turns it is anything but inclusive.
Money education and status is what talks in this world unless you look at grass roots level where you will of course find many a believer in more. And of course the optimist in me hopes that there are people who have risen that haven’t yet forgotten their roots either.

Race is right up there when we look at the immediate inequalities in counselling. In London there are more white middle class female counsellors. Fact!
How those conversations about race and colour were completely stunted, uncomfortable, avoided. I’m white. I don’t know what it feels like to not be, unless you tell me. Explain to me the intricacies of what those inequalities look like for you and educate me in what you want me to understand. But you have to have a trusting space to do that. Im not sure that room provided that. And then sitting behind that as the invisible cousin was class. Well that doesn’t even exist does it. Was I the closest thing to the “chav” in the room? That most beautiful of phrases we now use that was previously referred to as common but now has a slightly meaner and more derogatory edge to it. “Those ignorant and uneducated people” I think I heard quite a few times in political conversations.
uneducated (formally) was one of the boxes I sat in. Ignorant .. aren’t we all in what we don’t know or understand. But fitting me to a stereotype of being a white working class woman is the same as me putting all middle class white women in a box. I saw different versions of what that looked like. The hearts that sat underneath everyone played a huge role for me.
And what it you put the two together (race and class) suddenly you find yourself in even deeper water. I wonder how the journey may have differed for the only Asian male in the room if he had also been working class. His financial security, education and status found him a connection to some, who found it harder to relate to me, despite the fact that on the surface they looked more like me but in fact our worlds were oceans apart.
This profession as with many others is geared up to a particular section of society who will prosper within it.
Perhaps they are better at it? I guess you would have to sit me in a room with them as a client to really know.
Or is it in fact that they are the people that have the time and money to do it? Believe me counselling training is bloody expensive and time consuming especially when you throw in your own therapy , supervision, voluntary time in working with clients etc etc. It broke my bank and I was completely exhausted. It left me hugely in debt for my side of the mess. My choice. I wanted to do it but it could not have been any more difficult.

The fact is that there is a particular section that has the means to be part of this machine And while it continues to work in that way as with all education, it’s only natural that the same types will rise.
I sound like I’m being harsh. In fact I am just being very real and honest. And Im also remembering just how unforgivingly that class could pull apart clients in case studies as though they were lesser in not being able to sort out their lives. It’s so easy when you know how. But what about when you look beyond what the presenting issues are and see what surrounds their life and the inequalities and lack of choices that may form part of their world It’s a little less easy to provide a 3 step approach to making their life what it should just because they are now aware. Awareness is one thing… having the means to change it is where it gets more complicated.

I found that Judgement was everywhere and it took my breath away.
In this world where money talks it also listens. I fear by shouting that out it may sound like bitter but in fact it is coming from a place of sad. Because there are people I come across all the time that I think would make amazing counsellors. Often clients actually. But won’t necessarily have the means within the confines of their lives to embark down this route. I know I struggled. Like all things in life it isn’t geared up for the many. I know this because I was one of them. And in that room in showed itself in the haves and have nots with education, money and status being the main players in who was heard or who was considered powerful and strong.
When I went to a taster art therapy class recently I found myself in a much bigger room of people who were again nothing like me. It made me see that to rise in this profession means i have to become part of their world and yet It is missing so many valuable elements that I treasure and are more evident in mine and others worlds that are different to the massive. Is there room for those in this apparent world of “inclusivity” if there is I’m not sure I’ve seen it yet but I will keep looking.

When I first started I read something in a paragraph of Carl Rogers work which was about the fact that anyone could do this job. That if you had real care and a genuineness in wanting to help others and had those unteachable qualities of empathy, non judgment and congruence then no amount of formal training mattered.
Oh Carl! How naive you were. Just like most things in this life which messes with the hierarchy, your therapy was regularly discredited in my class
Because if it really did work and anyone could do it, then what would be the need in that money making machine
As Jordan Belford would say “sell it to me”
It’s a little like telling me that god is all around me but if I don’t go to church then I won’t make it into heaven.
It’s the man made part that I struggle with.
Believing in something more? .. I actually need very little convincing in that.

The magic of simple messy

This morning is such a gorgeous day. The sun is shining and I am in my black jumpsuit, sparkly wedges and denim jacket. Hair up in just that way that tinks likes it.
Skipping down the road to the station. A route I have got so used to and I like as I look out to the sky that sits over the hills and looks so magnificent in all its familiar and everyday ordinary beauty. I will continue travelling from here even when I move. It suits me.
Someone is coming to check out my Parisian apartment tomorrow.
I feel happy for them finding this treasure.
I wonder if they need it as much as I did.
I hope it brings them the same joy as me.
I will be leaving my good vibes. That top floor is filled with so much love that I am leaving for them.
I drove past my old place last night. All boarded up since I moved out.
No takers for the place that had a hole in the ceiling? 😊 I laugh now at how I have always thought the rain so romantic. It always will be for me. But maybe slightly less so when it falls on your head while sleeping in your bed.
And yet I found happiness in both. The shack and the palace.
Why is that I wonder?
Because Whilst everyone is playing the game of being as good as or better than everyone else, I was learning about Freedom, beauty, truth and love.
And I’m so far ahead of that game. Catch me if you can.
In two years I was challenged in all of them. I soared, I fell, I struggled, I survived and I grew in ways that some people will only ever dream of.
Veering so spectacularly off my path and onto an unmade track of chocolate and treacle. It took me to places that are impossible to visit by being safe or doing what others tell you you should. How I love chocolate and treacle.
Only I was in control of what that looked like for me.
In charge of my destiny? I don’t think so, but the routes that I choose to get there? I’m totally in control of that. For better or for worse in making my own choices. Whatever that looked/looks like, I can only look to myself if it goes right or wrong.
No more playing of the the blame game. It’s all on me. I choose what path I take. I’ve learnt a lot in how I am capable of anything if I put my mind to it but I also know how important it is for me to do the “right” thing. I have my own code of what feels right.
Beating myself up in making decisions that might benefit me but feel impossible to live with. However that appears to others and would be pulled apart by those theorists my decisions are always made with love at their heart. It doesn’t feel like the worst way in the world to make choices.
I would rather be hurt than to to hurt others.
I’m not a sucker for punishment but I know that the easy route is so very empty.
I’ve seen it so much.
Whereas the beauty I see in challenge leaves me inspired and in awe. If I can be a tiny bit of what that looks like i know I will rise to new levels of appreciation and gratitude in taking this one life and trying to be the best version of myself that I can be. I don’t want to be perfect I just want to be all I can be.

Trying to find new and better ways will always be my learning. And I’m learning more than others might be able to see.
There is so much more learning from taking risks, putting yourself in places of challenge than in coasting through a life of perfect.
Perfect is a beautiful disguise for just existing.
Lovely for a moment and then what?

Living is to go beyond what is comfortable and easy and still sparkle I know that for a fact.
It will take a lot more now to knock me down.

I’m trusting in myself.
I believe that it will find a path to more in the way I wish more to be.
That reckless route was filled with so much that makes Dorothy’s journey home look like a piece of cherry and almond cake. Perfect and with flavours to die for.
But in my journey there is more perfectness in the messy. Flavours that you have to imagine which are haphazardly thrown together in a way that work and don’t. Constantly being updated to a new and magical recipe with a little something else chucked in the mix and coming out of the oven looking like a car crash. Beautiful!

Simple messy can be added to in a million different ways because it has no need to be perfect ..
whereas perfect.. well there is nowhere to go .. its just  perfect ..

Being the emotional girl i am I feel all that needs to be felt. The lows and the highs. I feel very alive in being able to feel in this way.
and today I felt very ready to put myself back into the very ordinary and understated world where nothing works as it should, would be invisible to many but I believe has so much potential.

So why was I embarrassed by my squashed fairy cakes with chocolate buttons. Because people laughed at me as I couldn’t bake in the way others do. But maybe they don’t know how to bake like me. If they did maybe they would know how simple messy has a magic all of its own.

As I came out of work tonight I opened a message from P. I was expecting an update on the big mess we are trying to sort out.

But in surprise and out of nowhere I received a beautiful and romantic poem of love which made my heart leap in finding myself in an unexpected moment of dreamy.
A moment where the dreamer and the real swapped places if just for a brief moment and gave me a little something to hold on to .., before a call of frustration and annoyance that then left me feeling sad.
I need to dig a little deeper to strive for the happiness that I feel can be achieved. I have it in me to bring what is required and perhaps I will keep falling over but like chumbawumba, I will get back up again.
Perhaps all the new and special and secret ingredients in the cake I bake will eventually give me the button that makes my cakes magic.
And no one believes in magic quite like I do.
It’s what makes perfect days.

Thankyou Angels!

Today I spent a beautiful  day with my angels. If there is one thing in this life I can trust and rely on, no matter what, they are it.
I love them sooooo much ❤️

I saw a quote in a magazine as I was travelling home on my plane a couple of weeks ago.

‘Sometimes you have to do what’s right even if your heart aches against it”

My heart is aching but I know it is right.

My day today was joyous and I plan on every day being that way.
I am a girl who loves. How can it not.

Thankyou angels ❤️

Real

How life can put you somewhere.
Life is feeling slightly surreal for me right now. Ive found myself in a place that wasn’t planned but necessity has taken over.
For the girl who is driven by love not money, money has been the driver on this.
In trying to sort the never ending and delayed and delayed financial details it finally transpired that everything that has been worked for through a lifetime of blood sweat and tears was at risk of being completely lost. Things have been tough on the other side of the fence too and completely hidden.
My choice.. to take my share and live a life of free, leaving them with nothing or to fight together to salvage what has been struggled for, while keeping that very important security for our girl.
Not quite the stuff of romance and dreams but this is what is called real life.
I chose that over the dreams. I would never feel free in making a choice in the other.
What sort of person would that make me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
For all I may be, right at the heart I am a good person who cares about others. My girls safety security and happiness is an absolute given but I spent half a life with P. Most of it was wonderful. I have huge love for him.
He found the quiet, shy, insecure and naive girl and made her feel like she was a someone. The man that was cheeky,  gentle funny and clever when I first met him has been beaten down by the responsibilities and sadness of life which have made him harder, more controlling in things he feels like he has control in and given him an anger and resentment in how little value is placed on a normal working bloke like him.
He is a really good man who has been trying and trying but finding it so tough. My girl had been worried about him in his depression. I have been feeling so full of guilt and those dreamy days away were never needed so much in all my life.
All that pain… for what?
My selfish happiness? And I was happy. Lonely yes, struggling financially yes, but feeling very free with hopes in the possibilities that might lie ahead.
Come what may…words sent to me while I was away.
Today I found myself in a role that looked very familiar a few years back. Cleaning the flat from top to bottom. It was the last thing I did before I left and is the first thing I have done in my commitment to try and rebuild what is broken. Scared doesn’t come close. As I was on my knees cleaning the bathroom floor I cried. In all my struggles I never imagined I would find myself back in the same place. But those tears were momentary. I am much stronger now, I have a fire that ignites when there are battles to be fought and when that happens nothing can stop me. I can do anything. And I will. I am prepared for those people who felt entitled to judge me during that time. To work hard for the basics but mostly, finally prepared to shelve all those dreams.
Perhaps it makes me a very sad person, but all my happy and magical memories will be the things that lift me in the moments that I falter.
When I left the more homely Looking flat to drive home for my last week in my Parisian pent house apartment I felt more positive. I can tell how much p appreciates me not leaving him high and dry. His promise to me is that he will try his best to not take his frustrations out on me. And I will use all I’ve learnt to avoid that.
This feels beyond money. It may be the thing that pulled me back in, but beyond that I have a love and care for this man who is worth more.
He once rescued me and made me feel like I was somebody just by loving me. Now I want to do the same for him.
Love shows itself in many ways.
It may not be dreamy love but it certainly Is real.

Dreamy vs Real

As.i drove home tonight I was feeling so quietly powerful In getting stuff done that I felt like a mouse. Hear me roar.
Some choices may have escaped me now but I am grabbing hold of the ones that haven’t. Another 2 years training in the job that has been a struggle but doing this will elevate me to a place of more interesting. They are sponsoring and funding me in it and despite my reservations in whether I can work for someone for two years while I do it, I decided that I will find what it takes. In the long run this will benefit me in future choices. And superman is on hand for extra motivation when needed. Sometimes I have to kick my own arse to fight for being all I can be. Less about success and more about stretching my brain that left to fester wpuld leave me frustrated. I’ve always done what needs to be done to pay the bills and often that has been accepting less than I am capable of. Maybe I do need a little more in terms of being what I can be. I’m not ready for the scrapheap quite yet.
I still have plans to build a life. It just needs to benefit more than only me and my girl. But i would quite like to find some enjoyment in that. If I can.

When I’m in the real I feel more able to get things done in a practical sense than when I’m in my day dreams. Although Thinking and writing always feels much more desirable than working through a list of practical. I have all the ideas but it’s so dull looking after the details.
But I did manage to get the details of the course I will be undertaking and then spent the next hour thinking up a plan of a 365 days worth of freebie London entertainment and fun.
To find different creative ways to find some magic without needing any money.
It’s still possible.
Down but not quite out.

All this practical..

But just when I thought that I might be losing the part of me I sooo love but doesn’t really work in the confines of this life, my dreamy kicked in. My housemate works in films and we share a love of that, and tonight came across our shared love of Thomas Newman.
She felt like she needed a good cry and after thinking of films that make us cry … ET, Patch Adams, she said Meet Joe Black.
Omg I certainly am not ready to watch that right now. Lightning bolt! With Thomas Newman music. Leave off! I’m trying to be positive. You go cry and I will go do something that is practical and real.
She played the music as I walked up the stairs and quietly I twirled, and as I did I remembered twirling on that bridge in a way that never saw me so free and feeling in love.
My blog is a place for real but it is also a place to help me find what I need for the real. Don’t be deceived. My dreamy is having to take a back seat again. I can’t afford the coulds, I am paying a high price for tryimg. So I am creating my magic in the shoulds. My dreamers job is to try and make the real what it needs to be.

I have the kind of imagination that only Joe Black understands.
But of course he isn’t real.