Monsieur Imaginamagique

I found Monsieur imaginamagique .. MIM for short on my swinging chair with pastry crumbs round his mouth.
Born in Cornwall and owned by an angry circus owner he was destined for a future as a tight rope walking Bichon Frise. What no one realised was that this was no ordinary Bichon Frise. Behind that performer was a puppy that was learning more than he was trained to be. Proficient in many languages including jibberish he used that language skill to read about a girl in a red coat who was also a tightrope walker and decided to use every means at his disposable to find her in London. Stowing himself in the back of a Cornish pasty. van he found himself in a delivery to Waitrose on a hill by the central line. In a twist of fate he came across a former acquaintance of the red coated girl on her one outing of exercise along her favourite bins. Remembering the red coat’s love of a dog with a Parisian accent, no teeth and a tongue hanging out he realised that it could only be Miss L…She explained that the world had gone into complete lockdown and he shouldn’t be on the streets bur she had the magic key to his destination.
As he explained his incredible journey to me and vowed to never eat another Cornish pasty in his whole life he promised to come with me on my journey to try and find my soul starting with an imaginary party full of imaginary people.
Something about this story feels a little crazy and yet for once it feels like it might not be me

Fire Fairy Good Geezer

Every good story has a fairy godmother. In mine I have a Fire Fairy Good Geezer who showed up yesterday. Freedom, Ideals, Revolution and Equality is his motto. He does amazing work to make this world a better place. Love that! Fire fairy has it all going on and he knows what he is talking about.
The first time he appeared was outside a train station with his dreads leaking out under his beanie and holding a bucket load of cool fairy chat alongside a whole lot of smarts. And Just like all good fire fairies he showed up when I was in need of a little love and magic. He continues to show up randomly from time to time to make sure I’m ok. Yesterday being one of those moments.

A fire fairy that comes packed full of charm as all good geezers should.
The last time he appeared was on valentines days when he sent me “the cutest of hugs”.
He appears and vanishes leaving me with a smile and feeling like I’m a babe.
I imagine he is a very busy fairy indeed, he is certainly not shy and I imagine his work is never done but it’s a well known rule that Fire Fairy Good Geezers are not for keeps. They need their wands to do good work for the many and so random check ins are always welcomed but all I need.
But I always smile in that brief but magical moment when he appears throwing around some fire dust and a”hey baby girl, what’s happening?”

 

The gap between asleep and awake

A beautiful and kind lady of distinction once visited me the night she passed away, m the gap between life and death.
I saw her standing in a doorway of such bright light that I could not make her out. But it was her, I felt her, as tears rolled down my cheeks in a moment between asleep and awake. She said to me “is that you M?” and I knew it was her and I felt Peaceful and I fell asleep.
As I disappear inside a world of my own creation where anything is possible I felt lucky in a couple of people following me. Not too close that I’m not alone but near enough to touch me in moments.
It was feeling very dark as I entered but I was provided with some light by a pure white snow drop that was carried in the hands of a peaceful and caring dove. A snowdrop that seems so simple but has such exquisite and rare beauty that can’t be matched by other flowers. Only by taking the time to explore the roots of that quiet flower would you be lucky enough to find all the extraordinary beauty and magic that is contained within. Pure and simple and understated magnificence is where that flowers amazing powers live.
As I floated into a deep thinking whale who was singing me sad but reassuring lullabies i found myself cocooned in a place that feels safe and quiet where I can be whatever I wish to be. The possibilities feel endless. Taken down below the surface in a vast ocean that is hidden and full of a wonderful unknown. Possibilities that can’t be touched or felt where they are seen.
Sleeping in a place that I can’t be woken from unless I wish to be woken. As I start a secret mission to try and find a lost pearl that disappeared from its shell. It is somewhere out there in that wide ocean.
Swimming alongside a puppy called Monsieur Imaginamagique, that has the unique and super ability to swim under water too. Throwing a smile to the empty and securely closed shell lying alone on a beach waiting to one day be reunited with its treasure…

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ANM5geUqkwk

Life

I have been reading about whales. They are amazing and wonderful creatures. Deep thinkers that sing to each other.
How beautiful is that.

Having disconnected from myself I feel a little easier in just being quiet.
Quiet and numb. This normally most emotional girl is empty and detached. Like a robot.
Disappearing into myself to cope.

There is now a spoken realisation that necessity is dictating our lives, along with a new awareness by P in how much it is hurting me.
P gave me my out. An out I think that is also coming from him wishing to live a life of his choosing beyond this life changing moment in time. It’s like he just woke up. And he handed me a key to a secret hidden door that allows me to exit at some point when the time is right and necessity no longer dictates. And I can do it without bringing everything crashing down and creating lots of hurt and sadness and insecurity.
It feels a long way off and it has taken my complete detachment and lack of emotion, for him to connect to his.
To strip away everything that made me who I was . Leaving me completely empty, alone and feeling scared in being connected to anyone.
Feels safer to just be alone.
All my dreams that were crushed in what this past 9 months and some has been. An experience that has left me exhausted as I’ve rolled into something even bigger. Like an empty shell who has lost the ability to be who I am. To believe in the foundation and the root of all that I hold dear. LOVE!
Love was what made my world go round.
Love was what drove me. But love is what has crippled me .
My love for P which is made from genuine and real care. Care for another person who has been part of my life, who I have history with and who I wish to be happy.
Who I want to see live their life in a way that they can prosper and flourish.
A love that lost that special magic a long time ago but I have huge affection for.
My heart will always give out love to people I care about but it can’t pretend to feel what I don’t.

And I have been hurt. so much. Too much to even feel anymore. So alone in it all everyday and ramped up in having nowhere to go. Feeling at breaking point all the time. I never felt such conflict in all my emotions battling with each other.
Wishing to do the right thing but feeling my own happiness and the very essence of who i am being crushed and washed away. Feeling as though Im not deserving of love and happiness. Watching others who try so hard as well and don’t seem to get their happiness either while others who don’t care who they hurt or walk over , having happiness at every turn. Maybe it is one life.. a life that feels so fragile right now, but I still don’t want to grab my happy by hurting others.
I think there will always be a naivety to me that maybe doesn’t really understand how it works or gets it.  My version of love is very simple. It is a magic that you just feel.

I just don’t want to hurt others. It’s easier to die than the hurt that others are left with. I have no fear of death only of living life without others I love or others Who love me being hurt in losing me.

I’ve thought so much about what I wish for in life.
This crisis only reminds me of the fundamentals of who I was.
I need very little to be happy. All those modern things that people tell me that I can’t live without and make my life better. Ive always been able to live perfectly well without them because in fact they dont make anyone’s life better really.
The simple stuff has always been my happy. All I’ve ever wanted is special people that I love and who love me to share it with.

I would happily be locked in a house with someone I love and who loves me.
I guess for me it has always been that simple.

A life where I am completely and crazily in love and having fun and being happy in all the beauty that surrounds.
But with freedom to just be me. To do all the things I dream of while they do theirs.
It seems so easy and yet life seems to have kicked me about and make it impossible.
Why should that be so impossible.

As I look for my lost soul that was once so believing in love and happiness I fear that perhaos it is lost  forever and I will spend a lifetime living in isolation.
I have learnt so much about myself but also about others.
It does feel easy for some. Money does make it easier. It paves the way to be just as you are and have choices. It’s easy to be wild or rebellious when you don’t have to risk anything. It’s easy to be loving and giving when you don’t have any worries or responsibilities and your life is secure. It’s easy to be bright and breezy when you are not continually walking in darkness

And yet I’ve always been someone who looked beyond all those things and tried to do more. Risked it all, took on more difficulties and responsibilities and dared to step into the darkness knowing that I could help others not be alone in that.
But it is tiring and draining and it hurts me. And in a life that has been difficult for a few years I am tired. Wanting to retreat inwards and take a moment while the world stops.
Realising that while I try so hard for others that I am continually hurting myself. And at times seeing those people I tried for who didn’t try very hard for me. I have felt the disappointment in that even if I never shared it with them.
I’m completely empty.
Worn out and trying to protect myself so that I can continue to protect others.

So while I stop and rest and give myself another chance to find happiness beyond this crisis, if life allows me to, spare me a thought for all the tines I have been what’s required, that I have been fun and happy, that I have been warm and giving, that I have tried so hard to help others and be part of more, that I have been strength, and I have been kind and I have been loving.. .
And feel glad for me that I’m trying to give a little love to myself while there are many other hands to hold..

Knowing that I am always holding the hands of those i love, even if they don’t feel it.

 

 

My wish to be alone

Two things found their way to me this morning. A purity that was given to me by a friend and a wish for myself that I found in a song.

I slept last night curled in a little ball. Warm, hidden, silent, lost, empty, invisible. Wishing to disappear. To not be needed or cared about. To be forgotten.

I felt alone and protected inside my duvet.

Feeling dead inside

Talking the talk but struggling to walk the walk.
As everyone holds virtual hands together and feeling a new found life that lives within I feel the opposite. Struggling. Disengaging. Detaching.
Living with someone that I’m so disconnected from but trying my best to be everything they need me to be.
Like a cheap whore.
I think I would find this experience easier if I were completely alone. I would feel more relaxed in just being, than permanently on my game to get through each day.
Today I can’t. I feel nothing. Without even the ability to shout at myself. Detaching from others and myself so that I can continue to feel nothing. Be completely devoid of any emotion.
Not feel a single thing. I don’t want to feel anything anymore.

My girl is my purpose. The reason behind trying and trying. Only today I’ve run out. Feeling completely dead inside. My friend who sent ideas for improving a situation. How I love her. Not wanting to disappoint her in not trying harder, knowing how hard she is trying. Not wanting to admit that I’ve reached a point of giving up. Accepting what it is. Detaching from myself so that I can be screwed each day without having to feel it. I just don’t care about me anymore.

I only care about the people out there that I love. My girl being the effort I find each day, although today I’m just so very tired. Exhausted. Just feeling blank as I remain quiet.
And those friends and family that matter to me and are so special. Loving them from a distance but finding myself wanting to now hold them at arms length along with the rest of the world. For me or for them? Both. I don’t want to feel cared about anymore. And I don’t want to put this empty version of me around others.

I don’t feel broken I just feel numb… soulless. Without feeling. I can feel the wetness of tears running down my face but I can’t feel any emotion attached to them.

As the sun shines outside and the world tries harder I have run out of effort. Im too tired to try. I don’t even know what I’m trying for anymore. Existing within a life that doesn’t belong to me and wishing I could give it away but holding on to it for my girl.

Knowing that there are people struggling and fighting and feeling all sorts of emotions and pushing on. I know what that feels like. To keep pushing on.

But I feel nothing. And to feel nothing is like being dead inside and not remembering what it felt like to be alive.

Inspired by warriors

Tonight I received a message back from my therapist that made made me cry at the end of another very emotional day.

She offered me free sessions if I want them.
Having heard the announcements for self employed workers tonight from the chancellor and thinking that a little help was comiing my way I found out that P doesn’t qualify at all. His accountant set him up as a limited company which means he is part of the 5 per cent of the uk work force that fall through the gap and aren’t entitled to anything even though he is a cab driver who works for himself. I don’t understand the details but I will feel the impact.

My heart sank. Not because of the money….

There are people losing their lives leaving loved ones distraught. The ripple effect of that touching my own heart in feeling the sadness of people I care about so much. Wanting to hold them and tell them everything will be ok.

My heart sank because it felt like for all that I try.. try to do the right thing, try to look out for others, try to be a good and decent person, try to do my best for others, it doesn’t stop you falling through the cracks.
It doesn’t stop you from being unlucky, or hurt or. In the wrong place at the wrong time or being the one who dies from the virus as opposed to those who live.

I sat there listening to P swearing at the unfairness of it all. His frustration and anger only adds to the pressure I feel in having to carry us.

And yet what’s really unfair is Who lives and who dies. All those healthcare workers who put themselves in harms way to try to fight that.

As people shared in the beauty and collective solidarity for our medical staff in all their wonder and bravery and commitment and exhaustion, standing in the street and left with a feeling of being emotional and proud,, I found myself feeling proud too, as I cheered and clapped for them quietly in my garden all alone. Feeling inspired to try harder to be what they are.
Relentless warriors who continue to try to make a difference even when the odds feel continuously stacked against you.

I’ll find a way or I won’t in my own insignificant battle to keep my girl and P safe. Perhaps If we lose it all maybe it will free me from this duty that eats through the soul of a girl who wants to love but can’t walk away.
But I know I wont give up. I can’t give up.
Because I refuse to let us fall through the gap. Lives are worth fighting for not money.
I will do whatever it takes to protect my girl and P and perhaps I will lose the battle and fail in that. But it won’t be because I didn’t try.

As I am tiredly going off to bed I am thinking “tomorrow is a new day. I will try again and be the girl I am”

As my therapist replied.. ..

“M I hope now life has had to stop, everyone will now notice the beauty in the trees and the sky like you have always done. Keep safe and I’m here if you need me”