The Pianist’s Tale

I took a leap of faith.
Sharing feelings that left me feeling vulnerable but came directly from my heart.

The highlight of my week is my piano lesson. I love it so much. I’ve had 3 now. My teacher is a darling.
It’s the only other thing I do online apart from all those Microsoft team meetings that I am forced to do for work.
I certainly have absolutely no interest in communicating in that way beyond. It maybe the future but not mine. Similarly to social media, It’s real people all the way for me.
The rest feels like being part of a human zoo.
They haven’t caught me yet. I guess I’m a breed that one day will be extinct.
I just can’t find any real feeling in any of it but I’m sure for many it provides an escape from loneliness and/or a way of keeping in touch with minimal effort.

I am feeling that loneliness too but just in moments. I can definitely have too much time to think.
And I totally miss seeing people I love.
Often Im pretty happy on my own but sometimes I wish to be part of more. I just need the balance that’s all.

My biggest fear with all of this is that people will get so used to communicating in this virtual way that they won’t want to socialise in person anymore.
Everyone will be living in their virtual worlds and I will be living in the real world all by myself.
Well there’s a turnaround.

Anyways I position my laptop so that A can see my fingers on the piano keys and talk me through the basics.
I’m learning faster than I imagined despite the fact that there is a lot of logic involved. But I guess when it has a real purpose that I care about, it seems that I am able to engage that part of my brain. Proper finger placements as I play my scales. I love the intricacy of it. Being able to move my fingers along the keyboard in a particular way means that I will be able to play more difficult music in time to come. However as my teacher keeps telling me, it’s much more important to be able to feel it. Forget the metronome, you need to feel the beat inside yourself. I like her even more.
I feel that beat.

It feels so exciting to learn something completely brand new.
That doesn’t involve taking care of others but is about creating something wonderful for my own inner happiness and pleasure.
I happily share everything, but right now this is just for me.

It feels really amazing when I sit at the piano and I start to play.
I know that polish R in the flat upstairs will be hearing me. I love listening to him. Oh to be able to play like that.
Practice practice practice.
I’m also remembering how to read music which I haven’t done since I was at little school and I played recorder and violin. I say the word “played” loosely. I hated playing the violin. Probably because I didn’t choose it. It was just a given.
Really I wanted to be a drummer.
I rarely remember details in facts but I have always loved music so much and I guess what I really love, are the things that stay inside me and I remember. It didn’t require much prompting.
And It’s really helping me to move along more quickly and get the most from my lessons and means that I can use my girls old piano books to practice other tunes.
I would wish to book five more lessons if I could but I can’t afford them. I found this in a very lucky moment and am making the most of my time.
I will learn as much as I can in the next two lessons and then take over teaching myself. There are always freebies on utube. Plus I ordered a book which should help.
I feel like I have finally found a hobby that I love and really suits me and it is just making me really happy.
I wonder often if I had opportunities to try things I loved when I was young what I might have done with my life.
I guess that’s why I always encouraged my girl to try different things and when she found things she loved to follow her passions and be happy in the moments she feels happy. A phrase that was given back to me a couple of weeks ago and I’ve been holding very close to my heart.

Perhaps I will never be a concert pianist but as with everything that I have a care for, I put my heart and soul into them.
I guess if you judge success by the outcome then I will never be a winner. But if you judge success by the happiness and love that is created and felt along the way then i think you will find I’m in a simple little league of my own.
Feel my music! ❤️

Pixie

“Say hi to the Pixie in the tree” said the dad as he and all the kids waved to me and I smiled and waved back.

“I like your tree” said one of the kids. “Thankyou” I replied “Its the best one in the forest”

In fact it is my second favourite tree in the forest. The other one broke or was cut at the end of the last lockdown. But I feel safe here. It’s been my new forest home for a while. It’s a little more tucked away and can sometimes feel a bit dark but today the sun found its way through and it looked really pretty with all the leaves on the ground.

PIXIE..
“A supernatural being in folklore and children’s stories, typically portrayed as small and humanlike in form, with pointed ears and a pointed hat.”

I like that I’m super natural.

On such a beautiful day I had been struggling to engage with the forest. Even though the trees looked amazing and lots of people smiled at me. Maybe they smiled because I looked like a cool little pixie in my jeans and leather jacket with my shiny newly washed hair beneath my pixie hat.
Or perhaps in fact they were all feeling sorry for me being on my own which seems to be a very uncommon thing in this lockdown. Everyone seems to be with someone this time round. I didnt see anyone else on their own. Did everyone rush to find people in the gap between lockdowns?
Does it now make me stand out?
Poor little lonely pixie.
Yeah I was feeling it today but I think because I’m just so tired. The stuff with P’s dad is just so sad and draining, and then on top Ive been sitting with “feeling small”.
And this little pixie just can’t shake that feeling off.
Reminds me of when I used to be in that class.

As I sat here quietly writing, a squirrel has started coming up the tree and is sitting only a metre away from me.

Could I be any more Pixie?!

My Heart

My heart

I’m a pretty simple soul by all accounts.

As a kid I didn’t grow up with the privileges others take for granted.
Having to constantly endure the arrogance of those rich kids that assumed they were better just because they had more. They sure enjoyed letting me know that.

As an adult I worked hard to try to make a better life for me and my family. I didn’t really need more than I needed and I’ve always been really happy to share whatever I’ve had.
For a moment I tried for more. It went a bit pear shaped but I learnt a lot and found some special people.

The past few years have been tough financially and I am right back where I started.
Most of what was worked for being lost.
It’s been hard to reconcile that. Life feels so much harder because of it, but you just have to accept it and get on with it.
I made my choices and I am living with them.

What I don’t lack though is heart. Those rich kids could say what they liked about me but when it came to heart I blew them all out of the water. And I think they knew it.
Because I know how to love. And my love is pure and genuine. When I give it, it has nothing to do with how much or little you give to me. It can’t be bought. Its given just because that’s how I feel.
For me the people I love have something unique and beautiful and special that often they can’t even see in themselves. But for me it shines out brightly.

There are those who are unable to accept that love and I understand why.
But the fact remains that the love I send is real and doesn’t come with conditions..

… Because of course giving love is not merely a choice, it’s a feeling . .. whereas accepting love and feeling it will always be a choice.

Funny how I’ve always found it easier to feel than to make choices.

Don’t Give Up

Another fall and back in hospital. It feels like we are on a roundabout and it’s not slowing down.
I hold on firmly to those little pieces of time I have carved out for myself that keep me happy and sane in amongst the chaos.
Needing to find that positivity that keeps me up. I’m of more use to others if I’m not on the floor with them.
I’m glad my girl isn’t here to feel any of this.
It feels like the vice is tightening a little more each week.
He doesn’t care any more and P knows it.
Every effort he is trying to make to improve things falls on ears that don’t want to listen.
A lack of outside support due to covid restrictions create even more pressures. Blood levels that are constantly out of control due to lack of self care.
Perhaps if the diabetic terminal cancer patient secretly eats enough McDonald’s when noone is watching, he will speed up his own death. Like watching a self imposed Big Mac suicide in slow motion.
If I’m finding it all difficult and heart breaking I have no idea what it must be doing to P. He doesn’t say but his appearance tells the story.
I know he is completely stressed out and exhausted. Trying to keep going but he’s had enough. Unable as ever to really show any emotions so instead swearing about everything little thing.
It’s draining to be around.
I don’t even try to respond. I just quietly listen.
No point even in offering that empathic , “that must feel hard “.
It would sound like a piss take. Of course it’s fucking hard.
He is watching his dad die a very slow and debilitating death, and being ripped apart by the fact that he is unable to do anything to help.
He just has to watch it play out whilst trying to make a difference and being looked at by others like he’s not doing anything.
Why does that scenario feel so familiar to me.
What words of consolation should I offer?
There are none.
You just feel completely trapped and alone in it. Like being in a prison that you can’t escape from. In fact eventually you give up trying to escape. Accepting your fate until perhaps fate might smile again on you more kindly.
I find it better to offer hugs and reassuring smiles as I continue to watch him fall apart before my eyes. Some old football injury flaring up and now struggling to walk.
A lack of care in himself meaning that he also is struggling.
I find myself fearful of what might happen but trying not to let that fear linger.
In all my moments of carefree I am feeling duty’s voice talking to me telling me what I need to do.
It makes me want to distance myself from positivity but my voice of hope is not giving up.
A self preservation that says take one day at a time and find those little moments of happiness like you are doing.
Maybe eventually I will have some real choices again but in the meantime I know I’m making the very best of where I’m currently at, and trying to be the best version of who I am, and that makes me feel proud and happy.

Simplicity

I’m sitting at my makeshift desk in the kitchen with the washing machine spinning knowing how unsuited I am to the job I do.
I’m good with short term projects where I can create something from nothing. I have a real energy for that.
But ask me to maintain it and I feel like I am just going through the motions. It all becomes day to day and I quickly become very bored and lose all interest.

Left to my own devices is a whole other story. Even the day to day can be made into exciting with a bit of imagination.
I think it’s why I wanted to be a magician. Everything is an illusion. Making the ordinary, extraordinary. I love the idea of that.

It’s funny how as I find my way back to the simplest version of myself, I find it so much easier to feel good in this current situation.
Because at my core I am always the child. And as a child the majority of my time was spent all by myself.
There were no big extravagant family gatherings or friends coming round all the time.
I never had a single birthday party and it was very rare that anyone from school came for tea.
Most of the time was spent br myself at home. Playing in my room or in the garden with imaginary friends that I created from insects or flowers or just out of thin air. I could chat and giggle to myself all day long and I loved pretending. I would create my own world with parties to dance at with music I taped , little snacks I liked, decorations I made and party games I always won. I spent a lot of time pretending to be French as though I was on holiday with a foreign family or I had accidentally been given to the wrong parents. Not that I could speak a word of French. I just made it up as I went along in a very allo allo french accent.
Daydreaming and being creative to happily pass the hours by having fun and feeling happy.
Yes .. left to my own devices without anyone telling me what to do is a very happy place for me to be.
Pure freedom.
Just like right now, back then we never really went anywhere or did anything. The only difference was I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. And I proper loved that. They were special. But we didn’t do anything special. I just loved the simplicity and warmth of those visits.
Just getting lots of cuddles and eating nice cakes and biscuits. Sometimes my Uncle T would be at my grans and he would make us laugh with his crazy stories. He was an old style lovable rogue and charmer. A ducker and diver who drove a second hand jag.
I loved the times he was there. He provided the occasional excitement of a world beyond my own where cool stuff happened.
The ladies always loved him but he always loved his mum.

Wind forward to now and I’m happily doing simple stuff that is making me feel happy again.
Relearning to read and play music, reading and writing, playing in the woods, having little ideas for things I wish to create and make, and learning to speak another language.
Things that I always enjoyed but haven’t had much time to do in a very long while.
It’s Nice, Cosy. Easy. And I don’t feel needy.
I have lots to occupy my time in ways that make me smile.
I mean I like the thought of those moments of excitement.
Ive always loved a party even the ones I attended all by myself. I love to dress up, I love to dance and I love to have fun.
I can do that by myself but it’s always more fun with other people. But I don’t need that all the time. In fact if I went out every single night for a week the chances are that by the end of it I would want a break from other people again until the next time. Because I always like the build up to things. The excitement being in the waiting. Without the waiting it would all feel like the every day. Where’s the excitement in that.
It’s why I always loved Christmas and why now not so much.
Back then the magic was in the simple stuff. The things that couldn’t be afforded or found every day. They were proper treats. Fizzy drinks, a tin of quality streets, The Wizard of Oz. All the little surprises and thoughtful details.
Making the day to day things feel a little more special by adding a tiny little bit of tinsel. It didn’t need to be expensive or big. Just little touches to make you smile in delight.
Whereas now everything is on demand all of the time. No waiting required. You can have it every day. Where’s the special in that?
Why is it that we look forward to seeing someone so much now, or doing anything feels like a treat.
Who are the people we miss or look forward to seeing. Why?

I love who I love. They are who I miss and look forward to seeing. The rest are extras.,
And I love when they they like waiting too and enjoy being part of the excitement that comes with the build up. When you look forward to it as much as I do it’s always going to feel epic.
The build up is always the best bit and where all the pleasure comes from at its climax.

I feel my excitement the other way round. When I have something special for another person it is as much as I can do to contain myself. When i was a kid I found it so hard. Giving out little clues but without completely giving it away. Because I wanted them to feel that excitement too.
They say the pleasure is in giving. It really is but I like it to be mine and theirs. It’s more fun like that.
I always need to feel that pleasure in everything I do. Without it I’m just going through the motions. And in those moments that I am on the receiving end It’s completely wonderful. It penetrates to a much deeper level because I feel it all so much.
It’s all in the give and take and I guess right now I’m feeling a little of both as I am finally taking a moment to give a little more time to myself.
Totally feeling the tinsel sparkle in that.

The Generation Game

The Generation Game

“Life is the name of the game and I want to play the game with you”.

Turns out I want to play my own game with the people I like playing with.
The more I have found my way back to me the more I remember how life for me has always been about enjoyment and fun. The cosy silly stuff that comes with a wink.

Life now feels steeped in people telling you what you can and can’t do.
In fact we are so up to our eyes in rules that even wiping your own arse comes with a set of guidelines.
I googled it and here it is

”The Right Way to Wipe
Simply reach behind your back and between your legs, using plenty of crumpled or folded toilet tissue, and wipe backward from the perineum (the space between the genitals and anus) toward and past the anus. Use additional wads of toilet tissue as needed until the paper is mostly clean.”

Hand Arse Wipe

How did all those previous generations manage?

My point which I know I’m making very basically using the “Hands Face Space” ideology, is where’s all the fun gone?
Forget covid this was already an issue before a pandemic turned up.
All the laughs, All the craziness, All the do what you like. Otherwise known as Freedom.
Where life is a big old carry on…

I quite loved watching a an old version of The Big Match this morning. Took me back to being a little kid. He apologised for those watching in black and white as the light blue of Coventry and the gold shirts of wolves would look exactly the same.
I couldn’t help but laugh. I doubt anyone cared.
The atmosphere in the stadium could be felt through the tv screen in a way I remember when I went to Highbury as a kid.
Lots of cheering and singing and swearing.
“Those awful football louts”.
Or an outlet for all those other frustrations of life that still exist but now we have to keep it all inside?
Talk about suppressed.
Are we supposed to live passionless lives keeping all our emotions in check.
Those emotions will find their way out somehow. How would we like them to manifest themselves?
We like things all clean and sanitised now.
But where does all the dirt go? Does it just disappear?
There is something very liberating in not having to show perfection. In fact I would go as far as to say that I find perfection in others very dull.
I couldn’t live a life in that world. I’d be scared to put my naked arse on their perfect white leather sofa.
Give me the real version every day of the week.
It’s easy to create beautiful dreamy with real but I find it match harder to find real amongst the superficial.

The last time I went to a game was just before they moved to the Emirates. I could already feel the change in a growing more middle class money crowd.
That same passion completely lacking. That solidarity in being part of a working class voice, lost. Sitting politely in their seats like they were at the ballet and telling my older bro off for his bad language. There are children here.

So we can make hard porn available to all our kids at the touch of a button and show more violence in kids films and games but if you say F ing C in real life then its disgusting.
I remember laughing inside at the contradictions of this crazy world as my older bro completely ignored them and raised his voice.

The more time ticks on the more I see how as long as it looks nice then who cares what it looks like underneath.

I love watching old game shows and the crazy contestants of the past. Before we were all wised up about image image image.
The people were hilarious. There was just always a sense of fun in it all.
It wasn’t all about the money.
The sort of silly stuff that makes kids and adults laugh alike. We are all kids at heart aren’t we?
Well I always thought so. But in fact now it all feels as though we have to be grown up and sophisticated.
Less feeling the child in you and more of a wish to be twenty forever.

I love people who are young at heart as opposed to wanting to be young. They will never age for me. They are completely timeless.

And I expect why I have always disliked being around small talk that tries to be sophisticated. Lots of grown ups trying to be grown up with lots of clever grown up humour that makes people guffaw.
My girl has already noticed it at uni. Where are all the funny people she said? I really like the people here but I’m struggling to find people with proper funny bones. They are all a bit serious.
I guess she has grown up being around people who love a laugh.
Those down to earth types that shared their stories in what having a laugh looked like. She is always looking for it but struggles to find it in this modern world.

I loved last Sunday when I heard from JH who sent me a link to the Arsenal shop and told me to spend my birthday money in a place where all my dreams would come true.
He always makes us laugh doesn’t he L. Probably a bit of the Irish in him with all his stories. A place to share a love of Father Ted and Stella Street.
L too being a full of dry comedy that makes me laugh. I like being around that.
Because life is all about the crack.
I believe I may have gone full circle and be back where I started.
Do I want to be rich? No
I want more Fun and Laughs.
I love laughing, I love being carefree and I love having friends that love having a laugh too.
And that doesn’t cost nothing.
So as we gradually move towards Christmas I’ve gone backwards for some inspiration from the generation before me.
Love it!!!!
More of that please!!!!

A Little Light

I’m a sharer. I love to share.

I lighted some candles tonight.
I wanted to create some light for those hidden places in the dark.
I don’t know what it all means but I know where I’m sending these lights and why.

I have felt a lot of love from those who are closest to me over the past week. It’s nice to love and feel loved.

My friend sent me a book in the week.
It made me really happy in a moment I needed a cuddle. I put my postcard inside as my bookmark.
Why is it that special people like that aren’t even aware of just how special they are.

I’m learning the piano. I’ve been practising my c scale. My teacher said I’m a quick learner. I like doing this homework. I love that I became a musician overnight.

Sometimes I have moments of feeling insecure. It sweeps across me as i judge myself and worry about being rejected for being worthless.
I’m getting better at calling it out, feeling it and letting it go.
I was open and shared things that we are often to scared to show or see.
Real feels beautiful to me and I feel proud that I’m able to be that.

I’m buying a new car next week. It’s the same as the one I had but it’s a bit newer and white instead of red. I didn’t choose the colour it was just because it was the cheapest and best value. But I loved the thought of driving in a Snowy White Cloud Bubble.
I was asked by my girl how I could hope to keep it clean.
Well I suppose if i never ever drove it and washed it every day it would keep that new and sparkling and perfect image.
Only I don’t really care much about perfect. And everything is always much more easy and fun when you aren’t worrying about how it looks to others.
Especially as I’m the one who is driving it.
Funny how I’m finally gonna have a built in sat nav to tell me where I’m going just as I find myself wIshing to try out more unfamiliar routes. I feel happy to get a little lost as I find my way to somewhere.

Be happy in the moments you feel happy.

Gentle Souls and Autumn Leaves

The thoughts of others that feel what I struggle to say …

GENTLE SOULS

author

Gayle McMillan

GENTLE SOULS

Gentle souls, like a butterfly

Bear the weight upon their wings

They’re sensitive, caring

They feel the heartache of things

When you see them flitting, dancing

And you think they’re so carefree

Take a look into their eyes

You’ll see the tears of empathy

Some take their caring as weakness

But they couldn’t be more wrong

For strength comes in the breaking

In holding the pieces to stay strong

It doesn’t take any effort

To simply not care

To not shoulder a burden

Or to not feel their despair

Gentle souls, like a butterfly

Bear the weight upon their wings

Though it crushes and pains their heart

They only think of the good that it brings

What do you do when life kicks you when you are down

Life! It certainly knows how to give it to you.
Money will never make you happy but it can soften the blow, give you choices and allow you to worry less in not having those financial constraints that make life just that bit harder.

It’s why I feel so strongly about what I see happening through this pandemic. People losing their jobs and businesses. It can be the thing that crushes people when they are already struggling.
The furlough continues till March. On the one hand it’s a relief on the other, it tells you what lies ahead. They’re not gonna give out money if they don’t need to.
I hold on to hope but my eyes are realistically wide open and the aim of the game for me is to protect and help those I care about. Whatever it takes. I will not let them fall through the cracks. Any of them.

Yesterday I thought, “you manage to balance what already feels really difficult and get into a routine of accepting and dealing with those things and then life just kicks you again. It’s really hard.”
That’s how it felt for P yesterday as he sat their dejected with tears in his eyes.
I ended up crying last night. It was like I soaked up every ounce of what he was feeling and then quietly on my own I cried it all out for him. It felt really painful and sad and like I just wanted to give up and leave this world. That I had nothing left.

Only I didn’t feel like that before I saw him.

He has been using my car for work. It’s a key worker driving job. After the initial stress when he started it, he had finally settled into it, although holding a massive sadness for the loss of his real job that he spent 3 years qualifying for and made him feel like a somebody. A part of something. He now feels like a nobody.
He gave his cab back at the beginning of the first lockdown and spent ages trying to find any job. Until finally finding this. It lifted his spirits on the one hand but was also a juggling act in taking care of his dad.
And of course working for someone comes complete with the jobs worth types who have their little bit of power that comes from being called a team leader or supervisor and elevates their ego to a place way beyond their capabilities.
I’ve seen it everywhere I’ve ever worked. Every now and then you get the one who really earns that title and doesn’t abuse it but that’s usually because they don’t give a shit about that title.
It’s just a word at the end of the day. What does it even mean?

How about picking a word that actually means something…. like LOVE ❤️

He is tired. No matter how much I try to help and take what ever load off him that I can, it doesn’t really help.
Sometimes just being the outlet for him to be able to let out all his frustrations is the best that I am able to provide. Swearing and shouting and getting angry but none of it is about me. And I don’t take it personally anymore. I know that I’m just a safe place to vent but obviously sometimes it’s no picnic.
A couple of nights ago his dad had a fall when P was out. I had the car and he had too much to drink to be able to drive so I drove us both over with a view to driving to the hospital. The tension in the car was excruciating. Do I feel it all more than he does?
He was swearing all the way there as I remained quiet and just drove.
Fortunately his dad was ok. He hadn’t hurt himself. He just couldn’t get back up again. He is so weak and he hadn’t eaten.
Another appointment at the hospital has revealed that the cancer that is in the bowel is even worse. Not that evidence of that is required. It’s all round the house. In every room and a daily clean up operation of the most basic variety is required. Clothes thrown in the bath now by him as opposed to being hidden through embarrassment.
These are the things that no one prepares you for. Caring for elders in the way you would have once cared for your baby.
The realities of life that sit behind all the superficial stuff that other people care about so much about but is completely meaningless. I have no time for that meaningless crap.
It’s why I embrace and enjoy all the little and wonderful things of life.
Why I treasure the times I have with people I love and care about. This is the stuff that means something to me. And why if I hate the feeling of letting those people down. They mean everything to me. They are what I care about in this life.
And life, living, for me is all about those beautiful moments of happiness and love. I’m not greedy. I will happily wait and take those moments when and if I can. Appreciating them in every tiny detail. Remembering and feeling them long after they are over.
Those moments are what make the difficult, challenging and sad moments bearable.

So yesterday a lorry drove in to the side of my car. I wasn’t in it, P was. It crushed the passenger side and the car is a write off but P is not and I was so relieved in that.
He of course didn’t feel the same way. I think a part of him wished he had been crushed in order to not have to feel it inside instead.
Apologising for a written of motor and wondering what he will do for his job.
Trying to provide rational last night felt Pretty pointless. Instead I just soaked up everything he was feeling like a sponge. The unfairness of it all. And with lockdown everything being that bit harder to sort out. A temporary solution required to keep that job whilst the car garages are closed.
Sometimes I feel my life becomes his life as I try to navigate it for him. Pointing him in the right direction or helping him to just take one thing at a time. I’m better at this stuff for others than I ever am for me. I might not be working that job I trained for but believe me, I’m working that job I trained for.
Was I naive to think this lockdown would be a little bit of me time. I feel selfish for even thinking it.
Although I took that me time once, and I take it in little moments of perfect wonderful and magic like Wednesday.
Im not going to feel guilty in having those little slices of happiness. “Just be happy in those moments you feel happy.”
I could not try any harder for others so just getting my own little piece of Cinderella type magic felt like one of the many pieces of happiness that I can hold inside and think of in the moments where life is a little more struggle for me or others I care about. I felt so much love on Wednesday and I know what love feels like.

The sun is shining so beautifully today. I will take a walk by myself in the forest in a while and remind myself as I continually do in what it is to really feel alive.

The Cynical Christmas Crib

After having the most wonderful day and night before lockdown with people who are really special to me, who I love so much and provide a whole lot of magic to my life, I found myself waking up with a delayed hangover at the end of the first day of lockdown.
After enjoying another beautiful day of sunshine where I carried all the wonderful feelings that had been left me with me from the previous day and night, feeling “How lucky am I” I then of course made the fatal mistake of letting in a world I tend to avoid by switching on my tv. After a short power cut I was making sure things were working again. But at that exact moment I was greeted with a marketing campaign from a global star that I have no wish to follow. And I felt my cynical wings spreading in my annoyance and irritation as they cynically use every leverage available to pull the wool over our eyes and make themselves appear like humanitarian aid that believe in equality. I may be a fairy flitting around happyily and lovingly but I ain’t no clueless angel and when it comes to these abuses of influence and power I become a very angry fairy who feels the need to stand up for all of us little people. So I’m singing out my tune loud and clear to rid myself of this cynical Christmas feeling I was left with before I return back into my own little world which is way more beautiful in all its simplicity.

Because if it’s not bad enough that we are currently in a slow build up to our buffoon prime minister BoJo reinventing himself as the second coming of the man who saved us all, by giving us Christmas, Do we also have to endure all the marketing campaigns from the Amazon shepherds who are busy herding us like captive sheep. Encouraging us to shop early for all our presents through lockdown while all the other smaller local high street shops struggle to survive as they have been shut down and can’t even try to compete.
Oh come all ye faithful sheep to make our shareholders joyful and triumphant as we cream all the profits on this unfair playing field.
They always say that during a war there are people who make profits on the back of others misery. It tended to be in the back streets behind closed doors. Now it’s in your face as bold as brass.
In this case Kings disguised as shepherds as they hide all their bling and pretend to be all about the people. And of course we are so well versed in singing from their song sheet now that we positively delight in their sparkle and cheap prices seemingly completely unaware that it will be our children who pay the price in times to come when they all become the little donkeys in this world doing all the heavy lifting.

Isn’t it funny in this modern world of marketing how easily it is to change the story and those greedy and power hungry people are instead seen as our saviours.