“Ce soir la lune reve avec plus de paresse Ainsi qu’une beaute sur de nombreux coussins Qui d’une main discrete et legere caresse Avant de s’endormir le contour de ses seinsSur le dos satine, des molles avalanches Mourante elle se livre aux longues pamoisons Et promene ses yeux sur les visions blanches Qui montent dans l’azur comme des floraisonsQuand parfois sur ce globe en sa longueur oisive Elle laisse filer une larme furtive Un poete pieu ennemi du sommeil Dans le creux de sa main prend cette larme pale Aux reflets urizes comme un fragment d’opale Et l’amener de son corps loin des yeux du soleil”
Yesterday morning my mum sent me a message. She was very sad in feeling so far away from everyone she loves.
Tonight I read one half of a book that has left me going to sleep thinking about love transcending everything. Powerful words spoken from a place of such realness, but talking about the difference love made to him in just being able to feel it at some unexplainable and spiritual level. I could not have felt more of a connection than in that very notion. I was blown away in reading about things that have been in my mind but in a way that make sense to me.
Sometimes I can find myself feeling embarrassed when I talk of love as though I am seen as some kind of wishy washy needy girl full of fluff and nonsense.
But he reinforced my belief that at the simplest, deepest and most spiritual level, life comes down to being able to feel that someone out there is loving you and you are loving them back.
So I go to sleep tonight never feeling more proud in being a girl who loves, and wanting to share the sentimental little song that some would laugh at but I sent to my mum yesterday because I really love her and I knew it would make her feel better.
I hope the people I love always know just how much I really do love them.
Delete Delete Delete.. Deleting post after post as I splash those quickly changing thoughts on my blog, and then make room for a new version. Lonely.. I think that might be the most used word in this ramble. I’m not quite sure how I feel. Just quiet I think. But feeling more quiet is allowing me to focus my mind in a deeper place. Trying to put my own head into some order. Which helped me to hear the birds this morning through my opened window like the original Disney Princess. It was lovely to hear their song. Quiet is an under rated quality and pleasure and feeling.
I asked the question in my last deleted post in how the repair shop might fix me. But while watching the repair shop me and my girl had both agreed that there was something lovely in things not being perfect. In fact when I think of things I hold special, it is because they remind me of a time gone by. To completely renovate them would lose something of the magic that exists through wear and tear. A perfect article would lose its charm. It’s why I love real books so much. Old fashioned I may be but I live what I love. So maybe less repair and more rejuvenate. I want to feel good about all of me. Inside and out. So that when the world opens up again, and I have more choices, that I use all that quiet potential I am hiding inside for something really wonderful. I know I am capable of so much given the chance and the means and a little bit of luck. I have nothing to prove to anyone else. I have proved so much to myself. But I do wish to try to use my life for something meaningful. Some people want to be rich and successful and admired. I really don’t care about those things at all. But being everything I can be would be wonderful, spending my time trying to help others would be incredible and I’d just like be the really happy girl again. She is smiley and dreamy and fun and warm and loving. And she skips through life like a child. She exists but it’s just not her time right now. Sometimes life requires a different version. I’m digging deeper for her.
There are a lot of things that I see flying around. The motivational stuff that does the rounds. I avoid it a lot as I need to find my own version. I can’t swallow someone else’s self help book and make it mine. I have to think about what is bothering me. Unpick it, dissect it, see it from one perspective and then look at it again from another. At that point I read a little or watch things that add something else to the mix. I have to work out what it means to me and why. It’s all a bit long winded and rarely ends up with a perfect and life changing answer but it quietly makes me grow in my own individual way. But more importantly it makes me more self aware. And as I become more aware I’m able to see and retain the parts of me that I like, or feel important to me or try to change what I don’t like or isn’t helpful. But I don’t want to slot into someone else’s version of what a person should be or live life in the way I’m told is better for me. Might be better for you but I’m not you. So I have to work out my own version which sometimes can feel difficult in the confines of a world created by others. Very often my version doesn’t look like theirs and I find myself not wishing to follow the many. Which leaves me on my own. I don’t do it on purpose. I guess there’s a bit of a rebel in me. But I know what makes me really happy and what doesn’t. I can’t just join in if I’m not feeling it. The thing is I really love having fun. Dancing, talking, laughing. I’m very good at it actually. Ive had a lot of practice. It’s hard to really have the sort of fun I love all by myself but I think I would just get drunk and slump in the corner if I was trying to have fun though a screen.
Oh the conflicts!
I feel like I’m finally putting my feet somewhere that feel a little more solid (which is funny as I listened to my friend talk about slippery paths, as I was reading through what I’ve written Sometimes I wonder if he is psychic. It made me laugh). When I say I’m putting my feet somewhere solid i only mean in my thinking about this current situation and how I’m feeling in it all. Where to start….
On Friday night I stood there making sausage and mash. It’s a favourite of P’s dad. He looks amaciated despite the fact that he eats every day. But the bowel cancer gets steadily worse and he has constant pains. And everything that he eats is lost moments after. What a horrible thing that is for him. It just feels like such an invasion of his dignity. It breaks my heart. It made me think of Pavel. Only there is no cruelty here .. other than the brutality of a disease that shows no mercy and strips away everything you are. I can’t really describe just how awful it is to watch a person I love deteriorate in such a terrible way. The only way to survive it is to be numb in it. He is completely detached from himself. A loss of interest in wishing to talk. The effort in being around others often feels like an effort too much. As it happened he only had two bites of dinner. I’m not the best cook but I know how to make bangers and mash. A little trifle felt easier to swallow. What feels sad is seeing someone who is very much still alive not living. The cancer is silently spreading everywhere in slow motion. No change in the liver but it keeps Spreading beyond. It can’t be stopped but it’s certainly in no rush. And therefore he is in bed most of the time feeling unwell. Where is his quality of life. He can’t see anyone else, he can’t go anywhere. He just looks so sad and with too much time to think. I wonder what his thoughts are. I try to get him talking but he rarely wants to. Coming alive in the odd moment on the phone to his brother or friend when he sounds like he has all the energy in the world. But as the receiver goes down so does he. As he tiredly rolls over in bed. What is obvious is that he feels so very alone.
Meanwhile my girl has been feeling very sad over the past few days. Life of a 19 year old who loves to dance was feeling a little too restricted. She is a girl who just gets on with it. Showing her frustrations in moments but trying to make the best of stuff. She’s an only child. I don’t know if that makes her more self sufficient but she is very independent. But she does like being around me or P. She likes it when he is here. They sit and laugh together and watch a programme they like sharing and just like when she was a little girl she looks to him for cuddles. With me she looks for a friend to talk to. I just let her free flow. She cried and cried and reeled off all the things that are making her sad and insecure. A time that should be so carefree and wonderful for her is full of angst in not being able to make new friends at uni, or evolve in her own independence, or have fun and be crazy in the way you should at that age and feeling all of the usual pressures of a young woman trying to match the image of beauty created by ? Who creates that? Social media often feels like a burden to her.
Is that why I dislike it so much. Is it hers or mine. It all gets a bit scrambled up. I am a sponge. I certainly am feeling a lot of the emotions of others. I went to bed last night feeling exhausted but with a smile in the beautiful message my girl sent me from her bed. It’s lovely to feel loved. An appreciation from someone whose opinion matters to me. I keep my head down and get on with stuff but she says she sees all of the different ways I try. And that I’m kind. And I’m not “mumsy” whatever that means. I think it means that I’m more of a teenager than her sometimes. Who looks after who? Whenever I look like I am struggling or I feel hurt by something or someone or I feel like I don’t matter, she always sees it and reminds me that she loves me. I’m so lucky that we have always been really close. She is as protective of me as I am of her. I will be so happy for her when life allows her to just be free and have fun again. She asked whether life will ever be like it was again. Like many other parents I’m sure, it makes me really sad seeing her miss time in being young. It’s the best bit. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s the most carefree time of your life. It’s what you reach back for in the shit moments to remind yourself of a time when you felt completely free. I missed some of it too. I guess I made up for it along the way. I’m sure she will as well.
Yes it can be very easy to feel demoralised. Especially as time keeps ticking on. Inside in moments feeling “it’s not fair”. Nope it’s not fair. For many many people. Some much more than others. Many more than me. I know what I have. There is no more equality in this situation than any other. Yep life ain’t fair. There it is. The truth exactly as it is. What are we gonna do. Lie down and go boohoo boohoo. I do that sometimes. It’s good to have a little blub. Got to get it out somehow but then what. It’s all about getting back up again. And sometimes I’ve found myself wondering “ for what?” Good things don’t always come to those who wait, cheats often do prosper and sometimes the circle is broken and those good things you do don’t ever come back. It’s like the kid at school who had all the money to buy hundreds of raffle tickets and always won the magic set. Every year. He didn’t even care about the prize. He was only interested in winning. I doubt they ever got taken out of the box. I can only ever wonder what magic I might have created if I had won. ( ha I really do need to let that one go 😂) But then who needs a magic set when you can create your own. And that’s what it comes down to. There is always someone who is much worse off than me. I’ve been reminding myself of the bravery of others a lot lately. Of what is really important in life. And what has real value. I know it but in tiredness and worry it can easily get lost. Funny as I was thinking about exactly that, black panther sent something to me. Timing! He has been through this very same thing twice. Just as I shouted out for him back then, he is throwing it right back to me. A circle that is very much intact. But even with perspective and self talk, sometimes its still really hard. I know myself that I’ve felt completely squashed and while I’ve felt that there have been people who have walked all over me without a care in the world. And all the times I’ve tried and tried and tried but then new obstacles present themselves one after the other and I think “I cant do it” before then thinking “yes I can .. if I can just get over this hurdle I will get to something better.”
And yet what I am actually missing all the way along is that this is all my life and there is something better. And that something is me. Because while all this stuff swirls around me and I keep on going, I am also changing and growing. Maybe it feels like wear and tear but perhaps that means I’m having a useful purpose. Rather than just sitting around looking pretty but doing very little else other than decorate. And as I have found my way through the really difficult stuff that life has thrown at me, I’ve got up and got through it in a way that I can feel proud of. A little more battered and bruised but without becoming bitter or losing my ability to love and care about others. There’s a whole lot of rejuvenation that comes from love and care. How easy it would be to lose the very best parts of me. The stuff that matters. But she hangs on in there. It’s the strongest part.
And yet I’m only human. I never felt the cynical in me so much as in the past four years. Looking at the inequality’s of life. Those hidden senses of entitlement. Looking down on others just because they have more. More of what? I would question. But I’ve never wanted to be like that. I’m me in all my funny little ways. But those ways care about more than just me. My friend recommended a book. About someone’s struggle and how they kept going. I’m waiting for it to come. Inspiration from a source that feels it will hold a lot of weight for me. In the end I wouldn’t want to be made differently. I need to feel proud of the choices I make. And as much as I’d love life to give me everything I want, I don’t actually want life to be all about me. Life is about what you do not what you get. But it can feel like a much more difficult path. I’m no idiot. I know how this stuff works. Know your own worth blah blah blah. But what about the worth of others too. Can I try and find that balance. And as I wish to live the best life I can, it often means accepting things for the way they are. Won’t stop me fighting for myself and others. Theres all sorts of strength and magic and beauty that exists in places that are hidden.
So I’m obviously caught in all sorts of trails of thought. I’m chatting so I might as well ramble the lot.
Todays thought is about Deindividuation. I read The Veldt by Ray Bradbury. I ordered it after watching a music video That was shared with me by my friend. I had seen it before but I always meant to ask why they shared it? What it meant to them.
The story behind it resonating with me in my struggles and lack of love with the virtual world. I liked this story.
So if I have no love for this virtual world why does it bother me? Because in this current situation It makes me feel even more isolated. You’re in or you’re out. Previous to this pandemic it didn’t even cross my mind. But loneliness works in mysterious ways. What I didn’t want to be part of suddenly becomes the only thing to be part of.
And then thinking about the difference in group mentality in real life in contrast to online.
And today’s thought is also a follow on from the various things I have been watching that make me wonder about group mentality. Something I’m also interested in understanding more about. How groups function and what happens to individuals within them. What is the loss of individuality that comes from conformity. I guess I’m on a trail of self awareness in my own feelings related to social media and also my insecurity in my external appearance and how that has been brought to life in lockdown. It feels so small and yet suddenly has been triggered and felt like a source of pressure and anxiety in not “joining in” and not wishing to be seen. So much so that I have felt the need to hide completely. It’s easy to feel like I’m not a part of the world because I’m invisible within the virtual one. Knowing that previously It felt like a choice. It still is a choice. Only one that seems to come with bigger consequences. Out of sight out of mind. After all there are a squillion replacements of me in a second and one touch of a button. More is more in that world. Which immediately makes me feel less.
This little investigation is all about self awareness in my relationship with myself and also with others. Im actually very self aware. Even though technically self awareness is not a journey I’ve been on for that long really .. but I still understand myself pretty well. I’ve always been a thinker. My whole life. Even as a kid. I could lie on the grass looking up at the clouds and think about all sorts of things for hours, until the sun went down. Dreamy yes, deep thinking, absolutely. I’m just made that way. I guess I got caught up with other things along the way. Being young and having fun and then having a family. I suppose I was too busy to really dig into this stuff. Happy and loving was all I really needed at that point. Since the age of 20 I was really happy in life so I didn’t much need to dig around. But then I hit a crossroads in thinking about where I might go next. Finding new meaning for my life beyond being a mum. I love being a mum but Ive never been the controlling type that wants to live life through my girl. I like that we are friends. And I love watching and hearing about her adventures. But I am also an adventurer. And need to do my own things too. Looking for mystery and fun and new and magical experiences. I found a space to try to be more by going on my own mini adventure. Not so mini to me actually. I waited ages to get the chance. And as I started digging I found that box that had been hidden away for a long time and Once I opened it everything came tumbling out. It’s no surprise that with everything else that happened it knocked me for six. There was some very big stuff in that box. I say no surprise. Actually I was completely clueless. I’m laughing to myself which feels like another very positive step forward. I mean there is clueless and there is clueless. I just thought it was going to be an adventure full of fun and friendships and nights out. What a very big surprise for me to find I had bitten off more than I could chew. Or had I. I survived to tell the tale. Feeling a little more at peace now in what that experience was and how much it impacted me. But also how in amongst that I actually did have many incredible and wonderful experiences. It’s felt easier to put it behind me since leaving the group. What I know is that at the time I gave everything to that adventure in ways that I don’t believe everyone did. The past four years have been very painful but the risks that I took also gave me some things that I really wished for and will be treasured for life. I may have looked like some kind of crazy in many many moments but when I think about everything I’ve been through I feel pretty proud of myself in that. And also how much I still helped others at the same time and what an achievement feels for me. Perhaps it appears that others have achieved much more but when I think of the fuss that I often heard over a 2500 word essay, and how much time got wasted talking about it, I realise just how much I was able to juggle through a really difficult time in my life. Perspective is everything. And I did get that bit of paper just like like everyone else. What it shows me that I am always capable Of more. Im no genius but my specialised subject is my life. I’ve lived one. I’m interested in everything to do with life as well as all the other potential that grows in me as I explore. Right now I wish to take care of others in a way I can feel proud of. These are the important things of life. The moments that really matter. Life is harsh. And you need to have a few really great people in your life that will be there for you when it is all a bit shit and there is no glamour. But I’m also still learning so much about myself and others within it. Finding out what I’m made of and what I’m not. The past four years have been all about that and I’m still moving, still hanging in there, still looking after others and still trying to be a decent human. Life might look a little pear shaped on the surface but inside I feel good about who I am. Not needing anyone else’s approval in that. I know I’m doing what I feel is right. What ”I” feel is right.
As for hiding away, I’ll give it some more thought. Feeling the deep root of a history of external judgements. I don’t want to let these things affect I how I see myself. And combined with social media and the online concept of everything being on demand and disposable, I guess it’s a minefield for every insecurity that exists. Am I really missing out on all the fun? Does this virtual world really offer the same as the real world and more than I have in isolation? Does anyone even care who else is in that world? Or is it all just about being seen? I know when I listen to others talk about the burdens of it that life without it feels easier In not having to meet the expectations of a crowd where everything has to be perfect otherwise the trolls will come scurrying out to put you down. They can say it to your face but without revealing themselves. Reminds me of the carnage of those pieces of paper at that residential. In my own inner world I always know who the people are that are really important to me. Even if they aren’t always visible. I carry them with me all the time. Perhaps I sometimes worry if they do the same with me.
Like everyone I have a lots of blind spots but I can dig pretty deep into different things to find my own answers. I certainly don’t think I’m perfect. Not by a mile. But although it may often seem as though I have a whole load of stuff going on that makes me look like some sort of basket case, in fact, despite many fuck ups in life and having lots of insecurities, I know what they are. But rather than just gloss over them with a mantra of reconditioned thinking that will make me function in a way that fits with the crowd, I prefer to unravel the whole mess until I can properly get into the root. Simplicity in love. Details in the rest. When the time is right for me, I know I can do anything. I feel it. Something lying ahead that can’t be forced in the panic to not waste precious time. I don’t even know what it is. But I have hope there is something more to come. I’m not a planner. I tend to do things spontaneously. So I won’t know what it is until I see it. But I do plan on being in a place within myself where I’m open to more and that’s gonna take some work. So while others have forged ahead on a particular path with their carefully thought out plans, Im wandering about, out of view, in no mans land, working things out. And while doing that I have realised how little of my life I’ve actually wasted. Even in all the struggles. And how much in my life I have loved and been loved. And at this point in the show that feels like a pretty good place to be. So whatever lies ahead, I know from experience that I am able to follow my heart and I always always go the extra mile. I’m a girl who knows how to love. And I never say I love you unless I really mean it. And all of that doesn’t feel too shabby for this less than perfect individual!
I deleted two posts the other day. Two more today. I can’t quite put my finger on why. It’s like I’m thinking out loud but my thoughts are fleeting. Like I’m flitting from here to there to here. Never settling often contradicting. It feels chaotic but I feel calm. In between looking after others and working I am quietly exploring and investigating. Watching things, reading things, searching for things to educate, inspire, motivate and provide some version of intellectual, mental and emotional stimulation. That part of me fighting with the person who writes. I don’t want to heat my thoughts. I wish to hear the thoughts of others. When I delete I feel like I’m trying to silence myself for a moment. Creating a space from the virtual world I don’t feel part of because it feels smaller despite its size. Looking for different than the same. Wanting to find what I don’t know.
Today I read messages from the four women friends that I feel closest to. That I trust the most. Am image, a statement and a three way convo. Their friendship provides me with something solid. Holding the best of what it means to be a woman
I’m glad that I have that safe place to be especially while I try to be silent for a moment.
Yesterday I noticed the coat that had been hanging over the chair at my little dinner table since Christmas Day. What’s that wording I thought? SEB Skandinaviska Enskilda Banken. What? The place where Bjorn Again sang at our Christmas lunch, I drove a tank faster than I was meant to and I lost my shoes over the side of a Party boat along the Thames. Another crazy little chapter full of stuff.
And then I remembered that 20 years ago for some completely unknown reason, my employer had offered us a free branded coat. Had I been working for Chanel I would have been all over it but I wasn’t really feeling Barbour country wear. “I’m never gonna wear that” I thought. Didn’t really go with short skirts and high heels which was my look of the day back then as i sashayed through our Swedish office like I was Agneta about to break into Dancing Queen. But that thought was closely followed by “but I know a man who will”. So I ordered an extra large and gave it to P’s dad. It was a proper nice quality coat as it happened and he didn’t care a less about the logo. He was well chuffed. I smiled that all these years later he was still wearing it. I wonder what happened to everyone else’s.
What is happening right now with him goes well beyond just wanting to help P. I care about him very much just as I did for J.
Life feels chaotic and complicated. I woke up this morning feeling so frustrated with life and with myself. Had to get up before I screamed. What a complete bloody mess. Financially, practically and in feelings Who am I kidding? Im not in control of anything. I’m just being pulled along on a wave and trying not to go under. I haven’t got a fucking clue what I’m doing. I’m just trying to keep going and hope there is an other side. A side where I might be able to make a single choice based on who I am and how I feel as opposed to, just try to survive. And in moments like this I get scared and wonder if perhaps I’m all done with adventures and I am being forced to grow up. Something I’ve managed to swerve inside as I remain like the eternal kid who just wants to go out to play. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never swerved my responsibilities but always doing those in my own way. Thinking about Upscaling, home furnishings, or the master plan for my child never even registered with me. And listening to others do that grown up small talk about such things always sends me into a very deep coma. I did all the stuff you need to do as a parent but a bit like homework at school I got all the boring stuff done fast and passable so that we could just go and enjoy all the fun stuff. Riding our bikes, going to the park, having tea parties with teddy bears.
It’s not like I worry about getting older. Its just a fact of life. But I love adventures and I still have the energy and fun to have more. There’s a difference in what you see on the outside to what lies inside.
I mean of course it would be lovely if we could get older but still look twenty forever. I mean I had a pretty kicking bikini body back then but I can still get away with one now. I can live with that.
But if I have to gradually look older at least I always have the dreamy kid inside to do it with. She’s never changed. She can make believe the whole lot and take me on all sorts of adventures. She doesn’t look older, feel older, or care about getting older. Because she never changes. She’ll be rocking it till her last blow.
When I think of my closest friends I think about them like we are 12 years old. And wanting to take them on adventures with me. These are the people I love to share with. They are the little gang that don’t all know each other but they all bring something really special to the party.
I feel especially warm and fuzzy to my closest friends right now. Maybe not closest in distance or closest in being part of my day to day but if I think of them in where they are held in my heart then they couldn’t be any nearer to the centre. Like the real treasures that I found on my adventures that might be disguised to others but I see the wonderful secrets of who they are.
Of course I have my little M. She is my girl but she is also my friend. She being the closest in my day to day life and as with all my friends only ever needing to be herself. Just that very thing makes me the proudest I can feel in life in being part of hers. Giving a meaning to my life in loving and being loved.
K who just gave me the most beautiful book I ever read. Ever!!! I can’t stop looking at it. Keeping it close by like a friend holding my hand. If I said I was looking for things that had a purity to them then my friend K gave me exactly that in something so beautiful and inspiring in its childlike simplicity. I can’t even begin to express what a difference it has made to how I feel inside ever since I opened it. Like someone talking to the child in me in a language that I can hear and understand. As though I am at the bottom of my bed listening to My imaginary friends. Reminding me of things I should know and feel but I struggle every single day with. The kind of feelings that I find so easy to wish for others but find so much harder to accept for myself. Being so unforgiving of myself in a way that I pretend to be of my dad but secretly inside I don’t feel like that at all. I love him as much as I did when I was a little girl but I just can’t bear any more heartache. It just hurts too much and it feels easier to hurt myself than feel hurt by him.
But K with her beautiful book reminded me to try to be kinder to myself and also to feel proud of who I am in all my imperfectness. She just blows me away in how compassionate and beautiful she is. I remember someone clumsily saying once “speak up. I can’t hear you”. but unfortunately they weren’t listening. As is so often the case, the most creative and interesting and intelligent and beautiful voices find a way of sharing that doesn’t require them to shout the loudest or overpower others. Often those that do, end up missing out on all the wonder that is sitting right there in front of them. It is missed because they don’t take time or care in understanding a different way of speaking. When I ask what her shares mean to her I am left in pure wonderment. This unassuming person is such a powerhouse in deciding to do things in life and then doing them. And contained within so much humility is a depth of thought and feeling that leaves me inspired and wishing to learn more. If it were to all come out in one go I believe it would light up the whole night sky and the universe beyond. There is so much hidden that must make her inner world the most fascinating and fantastical place to explore. Can I just feel lucky in capturing a little of her light which has made my life a whole lot lovelier since she became my friend.
L who thoughtfully shares herself in all her little touches of creativity. A card with a forest fairy princess carrying a robin, or a pixiebell tag, or lovingly embroidering my Cinderella slipper. She keeps it real and funny and makes it all magic. Always wanting the best for others but so deserving of the best herself. She makes me feel like I’m a friend worth having. Whereas I feel like I hit the jackpot in finding her. Doesn’t time fly L. But don’t we have so many shared little moments of golden time. Alongside another M with her always sweet words. A heart that she gave me in a colour of remembering. She provides the faith that all will be well which comes from a place that she has faith in. I’m not sure I ever met someone who did so much good doing for others but can shake her booty like a gorgeous diva. Independent and strong and yet with a beautiful softness and fun.
S codename B who gave me a big little elephant to remind me of our everlasting strong and enduring friendship. We have seen through so much in life. Sharing crazy and fun moments and been a part of each other’s difficulties and sadnesses. A bond that was made when we were young crazy carefree girls and is unchanged.
And D. The most complicated friend I ever had who sends me dreamy inspirations that keep me going or send me off into a dreamy spin. Who gives me a place to share just as I am with no filter or pretence. Never feeling like I have to be something. I can just rock up as me and that’s enough. Its impossible not to be fascinated and caught up in the details of all those shares back. Seeing a different world through different eyes but constantly meeting in the overlap. Shared adventures that are epic. Dreamy magic would be my description.
Sometimes it just takes a moment of quiet and thoughts of my special’s to get my coat on and go dancing in the forest.
I’ve never cared much for New Years. It has always felt like a pressure to join a party that holds no real meaning for me. I love to dance but I like to dance when I want, in my own way, to the music I love.
Even more so if I’m around those special few.
So why put off to tomorrow what I can do right now. In my head my friends will be right there dancing with me.
I lay in bed for a bit longer this morning, curled up in a little ball stroking my skin for comfort. I remember stroking my nan’s skin when she lay in hospital. It was baby soft. I think I have your genes nan 😘
I might be the only person who is losing weight this Christmas. In one day I think I went back down a dress to a size 8. A roller coaster of worry in trying to care.
By the end of Christmas Day P’s dad was back at A&E struggling to breathe. Less corona more fluid on his lungs. This is how cancer seems to work. Taking its time in breaking things down one by one.
The whole day had felt like a juggling act in care and cooking dinner. One minute the beautiful aroma of turkey and stuffing as I put together a Christmas special, the next a very different aroma and trying to help him maintain his dignity. . I think he is past the point of showing embarrassment but I’ve known him for half my life and I know that he must feel it inside. It just makes me so sad that he has to go through this but the practical stuff doesn’t phase me. It’s just a part of being human, getting older and not being well. I just wanted him to not worry. And I find it tough to see him like this. It’s tougher for P and my girl adores her grandad. She feels very protective of him. I could see how chuffed he was with the mug that she gave him that had a picture of them together looking like gamgsta rappers. They always have a laugh together. You could tell that he felt loved.
Another scan to check on things. He’s just so frail. But being in hospital also gives him some much needed professional care that isn’t available normally because of this covid situation. We are not experts in this and we need help. This is also a little respite. But no one could care more. Truth is we are just trying our best. What I might lack in day to day glamour and sophistication I try to make up for in blank … actually I’m not afraid of the real stuff.
But I’m just a normal person, I do scrub up pretty well when I have the time and I make the effort. And I love the romance of life. I’ll always be the dreamy girl at heart.. Thats where the magic lives. In the realities of life it is the means to survive but In the dreaminess shared with another it can be epic adventures and fairytales. There’s a lot of quiet and hidden power in magic.
Anyways on Christmas Eve I stocked up on magic. Feeling it in the air as I spent the vast majority of the day all by myself. Walking in the forest and then to the shops. I felt that Christmas Eve vibe that was enhanced by an early present from memory lane. I skipped along that lane very happily wrapped up warm in my not so glamorous but very cosy puffa jacket and beanie, carrying a plastic bag, as I tried to see all memory lanes details as I imagined it in my head.
I was up at 5am that morning trying to finish the work that I was trying to complete by 2pm the day before. 18 days suddenly became 17. 2pm never happened as I still sat there tapping away at 6pm. Someone else’s last minute rush now becoming mine. Trying to fit a weeks work into a couple of hours was never going to happen and being the type that never wants to let others down I will be getting up super early in the coming days to get it done. Whilst trying to preserve the time that I was hoping to give to myself. It always seems to get snatched away. Actually the reality is that I willingly give it. But I shan’t waste time analysing what is just part of my make up. I’m sure I could change myself into the opposite if I really wanted but then I wouldn’t be me anymore. Even though those parts don’t always make life easy for me. But when I look around at some of the alternatives I know that they wouldn’t really fit. Right for others I’m sure , but just not for me. In fact since removing myself from a world where I would have always felt like I was just that little bit less, I have felt less pressure to have to try to be or fit with something that I’m not. Something that was discussed with my neighbour when I bumped into him in the forest. The counsellor/carpet fitter. He totally got it. And said “you should do this” “you’re made for it”. He said he would help me to get up and running next year. Let’s get your profile sorted and then just go.. It felt like he really wants to help me even though he has been up and running for ten years. “You would do the same back” he said. I’ve lived opposite for twenty years. Well with a gap. He knows I’m a goodun. I know I’m a goodun. And for once i didn’t feel embarrassed in not being a success. it felt ok that I had lost my motivation and confidence in trying to start yet again. What I haven’t lost is my confidence in knowing how to be with people who needed someone to care. I know exactly how to be that. In the end none of my previous clients would have cared about the the big words and theory. They just wanted to feel like I gave a shit and they had a friend. They always knew I did and I was.
In my world it’s ok to not have it all, not to be picture perfect, sophisticated and glamorous or be the best. I don’t care about that stuff. I mean I’d love to look like some gorgeous model and not have to worry about paying the bills but I’ll manage in life without it. For me theres a whole different criteria which is less about what you do and what you’ve got, what you look like and is all about who you are as a person. That’s where the beauty lives for me. And I like living in that world. Because it’s ok that it’s all fucked up and messy and full of struggles and that I am just trying to make ends meet and trying my best for others and not living the dream. I live dreams in moments when I’m really really lucky My success comes in the form of those happy little moments. I love love love sharing those magic moments. They mean everything to me.
And those people that I love and care about, that surround me in life don’t care about perfection either. Not being perfect and not having much doesn’t matter, because they know I would share everything that i do have. And that’s more than enough.
That doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on more. It just means that I don’t wish to compete in a competition that I never entered into. I don’t care about winning. I just like being part of what has the potential to make me and others happy. If I can make things a little easier for me in the process then that would be a bonus but it will never be the driver. The driver will always be about something so much more important for me … blank actually. By the time I went to sleep that night I was completely cream crackered knowing that the next day was going to be full on.
I loved the smile I was given when I transposed in my mind an image of a present coming down my chimney. Pixiebell In a world of dirty cocktails and forever blowing… bubbles. I like to think that I’m a fairy who was born to be a little naughty and nice. That’s how my Christmas morning began.
As I shared messages with people I love I noticed a profile picture of an acquaintance. “All you need is family” it said.. “what is family?” I thought.
Only a couple of the people I had messages with were actual family tree family. The rest were my alternative family. In fact I was completely blanked by my own sister who doesn’t care much for my decisions relating to my dad. I felt her coolness with me. In reality I’m just carrying on as normal. I haven’t said a word. Just quietly dealing with my own stuff. I’m not sure why it matters to her so much. If she is happy with her choice then why does it matter so much about mine. Im not being mean or horrible. I just feel more at peace in not letting it all back in again. Protecting myself from a whole new lot of hurt. I’m a parent. I know how this relationship works. I have a version with my girl that is beautiful and I know what I have given to that and what I get back in return. I sent her kisses and good wishes. I don’t want to upset her with my choices. But I also dont wish to be part of some family drama so I’m happy to disappear.
Meanwhile my close friends have my back. So much love passing back and forth because these relationships have been built over time and are really special and they know me. I didn’t have time to open presents yesterday in all the business of basic care and cooking Christmas dinner. But having time to open cards from L&M filled with beautiful words. The magical Christmas picture on the card from L making me smile in her seeing me in a way that made me feel special. What a special person in this world she is. And the a key ring from my mate boozy. A little elephant to represent a friend who is kind and loyal and never forgets. I felt very emosh(that was expanded by the queens speech a little later) because we have known each other for such a long time and been through so much together. My mate boozy not the queen 😂and always looked out for each other and had so much fun.. and then never forget, kind, loyal.. I’ve always loved elephants for that very reason. I used to have a tiny elephant necklace that I gave to another special friend for that very same reason. I wonder if they remember or still have it. I really hope so.
My girl said to me today that even despite all the hard work and difficulties of the day that she really loved it. A Christmas dinner she helped me to prepare over wine and a porno martini, cracker Jokes and table presents, Des o Connor singing in the background, a little blankety blank with an inflatable hot tub prize in the supermatch game. Only a little Del Boy missing but I practically had the real version in the room even if he was hidden somewhere in that broken shell. There was something special for me in seeing them having that special shared time together that in the morning didn’t seem possible.
I went to bed feeling completely exhausted but feeling proud. I really hope you are proud of me too J. ❤️
2pm today.. then 18 days off work ..never have I needed time off so badly. Im completely worn out. I look so run down and feel so ugly. Im really hoping to get some moments to myself. Or maybe not… but I at least have one less thing to worry about. One less demand for 18 whole days. And that helps.
Christmas may be cancelled for many but I feel as excited as if you were sending me to the sun. I don’t need to do anything or go anywhere. I’ll cook some turkey and add a few trimmings, try to create a day where some fun can be had, a few more memories can be captured and some pain can be relieved for a moment. When I write sometimes about how I feel I think it must read like I’m the most selfish and self centred person in the world. In my blog I guess I am. Throwing it all out in here so that in reality I’m not. I try my hardest and wish so much to be a person I can feel proud of in the things I do and the way I behave towards others. But I’m only a human with my own wants needs desires. Carrying all sorts of jumbled up feelings that don’t necessarily fit when thinking of the happiness and wellbeing of others. Doing what I consider are the things that feel right but often not right for me. And finding that in doing that, inside it can rip me to shreds in having to pretend that all of those wants needs desires dont exist and my own feelings of sadness and loss don’t hurt. They do and the only way to manage it is to bury it all deeply so that I can be what I need to be. Sounds easy but believe me when I say that I feel those ripples all the time usually in dreams and I often am left feeling stupid for being made the way I’m made.
Anyways any bit of time I do get to myself will be spent reading my book my friend gave me, or practising piano, or watching films or walking in the forest or or or .. it doesn’t actually matter… just anything that makes me feel like a human rather than just a machine.
Whilst others are grieving the big Christmas celebrations I’m feeling grateful to not have to perform to the many. Being boring and nerdy is very appealing for me.
I do however dream of a spa day with a full body massage followed by a cocktail in the jacuzzi.. it made me smile just writing it. Good enough!
Writing helps me not to feel alone when I feel alone. It’s weird because I can’t feel anything but when I’m by myself I often cry. Silent numb tears. I don’t even know what I’m crying for.
I’m also feeling my girls sadness on top right now which comes out in a similar way to her dads, with me being the safe place for that. Frustration and angry with everyone. She’s also tired from her job at Morrison’s. She’s only done 2 days love her. But I think it is also good for her… helping to take her mind off the realities of her grandad. She’s a girl who has always loved her grandparents and made a proper fuss of them. Calling her grandad regularly when she was at uni to make sure he was ok which he would then mention the next time I saw him. He’s so proud of her. Something he shared in a letter he wrote to her before she went to uni. Him telling her that she was an old fashioned sweetheart that are rare in this modern world is something I think she feels proud of in herself. Those old fashioned values still living on in her. It’s the Nancy effect. Tarts with hearts.
As for me my escape right now comes in the form of my new favourite show. As I march into Series 2. It’s like my treat. Finding a space every few days to watch it. It’s become less about the story and more about my fascination with the characters and their relationships. Connecting and relating to so much. And there is definitely something about it being set in an era when I was a kid. Makes it even more relatable for me when I see relationships through kids eyes. I think the Duffer brothers definitely have kids eyes. Throwing up the simpleness of all sorts of little details that made life so magical before the internet but no longer exist now. In fact if you weren’t there, you probably wouldn’t even notice them. I smile at every episode thinking how glad I am that I was a kid back then. Get on my bike first thing in the morning never to be seen again until it got dark and I rode home with no lights. No one wore a helmet. What a comedy world I live in now with all the safety rules for everything. It’s a wonder I’m still alive 😂 I once rode my bike so fast down the hill that I couldn’t stop and I ended up crashing into someone’s front garden falling into a rose bush. Omg I was cut to shreds and I had to sit on a cushion for a week. Tom boy nutter! Just one of many crazy incidents. I never did think about consequences. I never have learnt my lesson.
Feels so sad as I see the last of those things I love being wiped out by this pandemic.It was only a matter of time but this has just speeded up the inevitable.
Things that have been thrown away without a care in favour of more high tech and glamorous options that apparently make all our lives simpler and better. Then why does everything feel so much more complicated and worse. Or is it important that you don’t know what it once looked like so you no longer know what you’re missing. And “the money” never got it anyways. There are some things that you only know about if you grew up with fuck all.
It’s funny how often we talk about mental health now. If everything makes our lives so much simpler and better then why have we all got so many issues., Even mental health has become its own industry. It might overtake plastic surgery as the most profitable line of business in the health wellbeing and beauty market. I wonder if the bigger and shinier the office the more they care?
I guess what I’m longing for so much is a purity of life that no longer exists. It’s hard to find anything in life now that hasn’t been given that sanitised and airbrushed effect other than nature itself. Although I suppose if you can make a rule that only high value business travellers can fly in the sky then how long before we have similar version on land and sea. So best I make the most of the forest while I can especially when noone else is there, before it becomes the stomping ground of the high value developers. City of London corporation are quoted as saying “we would never sell that land. It would have to be desperate times.” Hmmm … desperate times?!!!!
Anyways I am drawn to the boy who was in the upside down and is now back in the world he knows. Only everything has changed even though everything is exactly the same. In fact it is he who has changed along with those around him.,As was pointed out last night, there is no going back to the way things were, before he got lost in that dark place. Too much happened to pretend it didn’t.
Yes.. I thought.. I can try but when it affects my feelings I don’t know how to do that. I wish I did. Instead I continually hurt myself deep down inside.
I watch him try his best to assimilate into an old normality but he is now left feeling like a freak. They call him zombie boy. Yeah I feel that. It’s very isolating in not being able to really share how you are feeling. Or even really feel it. Better to push it all down and pretend that it’s all fine. But then without any warning he finds himself in moments in the dark place of the upside down again. Finding himself frozen to the spot.
I find myself relating in every way to what that looks like. Trying to be the same girl, that existed before, doing the same things in the same way. But I feel different. So I push it down. Deeper and deeper. And yet all of a sudden if I start to feel any of what sits buried inside me I just end up feeling completely stupid. It’s the most stupid I’ve felt in life. Telling myself that I have to be made of much tougher stuff than I am and I certainly need to care less. Being more fickle would work. Not giving a shit would help. Unfortunately I’m none of the above so stupid I feel.
And then I feel like that I’m no longer in control. And I really need to be in control right now. Otherwise I can’t function. Being in control of how I feel is the only way to get through the realities that are way more important than my feelings.
But there are ripples…
I’m using the tune my own 11 send to me. L for short. Coincidence? There’s no such thing.
I heard this song when I was watching stranger things… I didn’t know what it was called or who it was by but I knew it really well from a film I loved when I was a girl. “Pretty in Pink”. A film that captured so much of how I felt back then and had a kicking soundtrack with this tune being my favourite.
A tune that sounds momentous. It’s all in the build up. A throwback to 80’s electro sounds, the hook that draws you in with a power of something more. But the kind of more that I care about.
I love that I found this film attached to this song. Could not have said it any better.
While there is a fire that burns inside us, there will always be more.