After chatting to my two friends yesterday I was taken right back to that time in our life when we talked about life like we were gonna be living in a movie.
We all have our favourites. The one that inspired us to be more.
Mine? Flashdance.. it’s a classic.
“She’s a maniac” being the song that I loved. I knew it so well that I used to prance around in my bedroom without any music in my knickers and a tied up vest top like I worked at a strip club.
I knew the moves and I hit them like a machine gun .. bam bam bam.
I loved to dance. I always wanted to be a dancer but as I never had a single lesson that was unlikely but I didn’t care. The pipe dream. Here was the working class girl who like a tom boy worked at the steel mills by day and by night was an exotic dancer at a club. I wanted to be her.
I believed I could be, and would walk about in life as though I was, and there was a shit hot soundtrack playing in the background. It’s why I have always loved playing music in my ears as I travel. Daydreaming that I was the Girl next door but with fuck me boots sexy.
I used to run on the spot after I had washed my hair pretending that I also was in training.
Totally was in training. My imagination has conjured up a lifetime of bigger and better than reality. Making the simple stuff into so much more.
I struggled to do that for the past 3 months. I lost that magic. But without it what the hell is life about … I feel like I’m coming back.. so you better watch out … because I’m a maniac
I found out today that one of my best friends from school has been diagnosed with cancer.
She is one of the quietest, sweetest and funniest people I know. And I’ve known her a long time. Since we were 13.
One of two people I have contact with from school.
I’ve said before that I’m not a Social media girl. But they were my besties and through all life’s changes they have remained in the mix.
They are not part of my every day. We only talk randomly and I see them one a year to catch up.
Last time I saw them both it was really lovely.
Return to an Italian restaurant we went to on my 16th birthday. The night I fell off the train as it was still moving.
We have been trying to set a date for ages but because of all the chaos of life we have put it back several times.
Again I wasn’t ready to tell them what was happening in my world until I was in a better place with it. Didn’t want to answer questions or worry them. What a crock. They don’t give a shit. We have been friends since we were 13. Shit has happened from the first time we went to the cinema and JM got his foot stuck in between the seats.
Through all our individual fuck ups and dramas of life we are still friends. How easy it is to forget something so basic and simple.
So dancing we will go in November.
Shouldn’t really take something so serious to see the people you care about.
A massive lesson learnt today and taken right in.
Told a friend the other day that I wasn’t ready to see them right now. Fuck that! Life’s too fucking short and unpredictable and not the first time I have been reminded of that.
A song from M’s bedroom when we were 13 and one of N’s favourites.
S for Super!
I went to bed last night feeling so rough. Sick, full of a cold and unable to get to sleep. Eventually after drinking lots of hot water and tossing and turning on the settee I finally fell asleep at 1.30 am only to wake up at 4.30 am feeling even worse.
I guess it’s a given. I’ve put myself through a lot, I’m tired, run down and I can’t say I’ve been providing myself with much of that self care that my colleagues Twitter on about constantly. I know.. but yoga sessions and coffee mornings haven’t been high on my priorities and probably would have seen me punching some annoying well meaning type if they had suggested it.
Anyways I couldn’t get back to sleep but I did see a message on my Justice League group chat from Superman.
It was a little motivational message on a mirror in some pub he was in watching the rugby in yesterday.
If you quit now..
You’ll endup right back where you first began
And when you first began you were desperate to be where you are
When I read it I thought, this couldn’t be any further from my truth.
But I thought there’s definitely legs in it. So I switched it around a little.. red coat style
If you quit now ..
you’ll end up right back where you first began.
If you don’t quit..
you might still end up where you first began but you will have learnt a lot of lessons along the way.
If you keep on going..
you might end up somewhere you were never desperate to get to when you first began but is exactly where you are meant to be.
Perseverance is everything! 😊
It made me happy as I made myself some toast.
Yesterday gave me the hope and a safe place for people I care about.
What I realised is that in order to push forward I need to know that others are safe and happy. It is most important to me. More important than anything.
I have always been scared of the big unknown. Of what might happen. Of what could go wrong. Of whether I might fail or be laughed at. Just scared.
But in facing something head on with no control in the outcome only giving my best and pushing myself to my limits I realise that anything, everything is possible if you persevere, hold on to some belief and never give up.
I feel proud to be a woman amongst other men and women.
What quiet, understated and hidden powers we all have.
Not sure I’ll be flying around saving the world today .. I need to sleep and get myself better..
But I felt myself smiling in the thought of rebuilding what I built before only this time I’m gonna dream bigger!
There are very few times in life that you can feel truly proud of who you are. That you gave every single part of yourself and took yourself way beyond the limits of what you ever felt you could give.
That you can feel as though you are more than you thought you were or that you ever thought possible.
I feel that today..not in a self glorifying way filled with arrogance.
But in a moment of complete brokenness. The weight of what I have been carrying has finally been lifted as I have received that long awaited approval. The offer coming to me today after 3 months(63 days).
I sit alone in complete exhaustion and see everything I put myself through, cascading through my mind while all those wounds continue to bleed out. The pain of it all being released so that I can eventually begin the process of trying to heal.
But I have made it to the other side. I have got us all to that safe place. If you have ever found yourself in such a position you will understand how that feels. It’s like Maslow said .. it’s the foundation. Without it you cannot get to anything beyond.
So I will allow myself to feel this. Just for a moment. Beyond a moment. A safe place where I can stop and breathe.
A tiny and hidden moment before I have to armour back up for those battles that still lie ahead. Formulating a plan of what next? Working out how to rebuild my life that was obliterated 3 months ago. Eventually reconnecting to some of those that I have removed in order to function.
Trying to work my way back to a place of happy. But I can’t even think about how to do that right now.
This moment is about the peace I feel in knowing I have taken us to that safe place and is beyond anything I have ever known. Carrying myself and others to somewhere that holds the safety that is required in order for us to eventually continue on in our own journeys.
I need to rest in that peace for a moment. To just feel what that is in all its silent reverie….
I am so tired from the worry and burden of what this has been. Exhausted. But my body felt the effects of that relief instantaneously. Not quite dancing in the street but wanting to build its strength back up.
I feel quiet and thoughtful in all I have learnt about myself and others.
Truly and whole heartedly grateful for those few that stayed close but far enough away while I struggled to find my way through this. There were many moments when I didn’t think I would. Moments when my girl provided the reason. The darkness of those moments that will live inside me forever in ways others may never experience or understand.
Three years I spent trying to learn about myself.. 3 months was all it took to really see myself. To understand exactly who I am and what I am made of.
And in this very quiet moment alone, I have never ever felt prouder of who I am in all those very small and insignificant details. The details that have sometimes seemed not enough and been so very unimportant and easily disposable to some.
But these small and insignificant details are the difference.
They are the difference between being what I could be, in favour of being absolutely everything that I actually am.
And right now, in this moment I never felt so proud in being that.
My everything has got us to a safe place …
and in doing that it leaves a tiny seed in my mind..
To everyone that has ever hurt me, used me, disregarded me, looked down on me, forgot to care about me, not appreciated me, left me feeling unimportant and disposable, taken me for granted.
This song is for you…
as I sat in the dark this morning I felt all the pain I have been holding. And it hurt so much. As though my body was ripping itself apart and my heart would burst out of my chest to free itself. All those wounds I have been covering are bleeding out.
And I didn’t want anyone to see it especially my girl.
So I sat on the settee with a blanket over me, wrapped my arms round myself and let myself cry silently in the darkness.
Another weekend of pain. i think it feels harder because I felt so close to it. I could almost touch it. If they could have just given me some little tiny piece of hope before I entered into another weekend.
I am feeling sick. My ability to just keep going, keep trying, fight on, is taking its toll on me now.
Sleep and rest is what I need to do. Being sick and feeling so weak. I can’t eat anything.
But I can’t do anything else now. It’s out of my control. I have become so insular in order to conserve my energy. Preferring to disappear into nothingness with music as my company. I have no effort left for conversation or questions. Just let me be for a moment. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I am hurting inside in a way that is beyond anything I’ve ever known and I’m trying to mute it. muting myself as though I don’t exist. Just trying to give me the extra little bit I need to just keep trying to balance for a little bit longer.
My gladiator lying silent for a moment.
I know I have to keep hanging tough. That mental strength that Has kept me pushing on but is now bringing me to my knees. Please let me get to the other side. I don’t think I can balance for much longer. I am trying with everything I am. Don’t give up don’t give up DONT GIVE UP!!!!
Trying to scrape the barrel of everything that I am. Am I enough? I have to be enough. Please please get me to the other side.
The rise of the gladiator
Be careful what you wish for.
Something switched in me this morning. Confirmation that they have all the paperwork they now require. Finally under consideration. I can do no more. They have my whole life. If that’s not enough then I’m all out of tricks other than those that pay cash. I have no control in this now and I’m at the mercy of the gods. Otherwise know as the bored loan officer who really wanted to be a rockstar. Let my file be the one where you take the risk you’ve always wanted to take, but have been too scared of of messing with your very lucrative pension.
A little invisible helping hand from the universe would be appreciated at this point.
Slim shady had been my best mate in anger. Will the real red coat please stand up.
I have pushed myself in every possible way to get to this point and falling so many times in it. I am battered and bruised and wondering where the hell I found all this strength from.
And yet yesterday I was spoken to as though I was weak and feeble. I was told by the person I am helping that perhaps I need a counsellor. Can’t afford it but you’re
right, I do. A counsellor to unload all this shit to.. for sure …poor J will feel it when I get to the other side. I think she is bracing herself. but to help me? … watch it mate..
I have most definitely needed help. Help when I found myself lumbered with this mess. unfortunately that help has been nowhere to be seen by the same said person who created it. I’ve had to get on with it by myself and my tiredness, sadness and lack of enthusiasm in anything beyond sorting this out is the result of that.
I was ticking along pretty ok thanks very much. This belongs to you. I know it but I hold it. Not the right time to have my voice heard yet. Biding my time for when I have rebuilt up what has been crushed.
Weak and feeble? I certainly am not. I’m still standing and continuing to function in all the many roles I have had to play. Falling yes.. getting back up.. fuck yes.
Fucking exhausted is what I am. But don’t misconstrue my quiet and broken appearance. There is a lot hidden beneath that. I’m just not ready to show it yet.
But in reaching a point where I have done everything I can possibly do to sort this mess, I find myself feeling a surge of something new.
That anger that I have been suppressing is morphing into something more. Unleashing a different power to reclaim what is mine.
I didn’t have the strength to be that while I was dealing with all the shit I was faced with. I had to squash it and let another part of myself take over. Numb and emotionless. Covering the emotion that seeped out with bandages and plasters in order to just keep quietly fighting on. My blog has provided one giant plaster. It has taken the full force of how I am feeling and given me a place to express quietly so that I could continue in some sanity. Sometimes to focus on something, requires other things to just be held for a moment. Quietly getting on with it without being drawn in to what I wasn’t ready for. Call it protection.
But fight I have. All the way, all by myself. No daddy to ring or someone else that would pick up the pierces of someone else’s fuck ups. Scrapping away in secret like an amateur cage fighter. Not knowing what I was doing or whether I could survive it or pull us through but putting myself right in it and taking the punches. Whilst watching my whole life that I had built collapsing and disappearing into nowhere. Seeing everything I had struggled so hard for being crushed without any care or understanding of what that might mean to me. Every part of myself that I had felt proud of, disappearing into who knows where. Having to allow and accept it so that I could be what I needed to be.
Weak and feeble?!… Do me a favour.. do not underestimate me. I have been taking it all in, every single moment and pushing it to a place where it couldn’t interfere with what I was trying to do.
But now it is surfacing and I can see it very clearly.
And I feel a fire growing in me, rising like a gladiator who knows they are a force to be reckoned with.
Caring, loving, kind and compassionate… I am all of those by the bucket load. I don’t ever want to change in that.
It’s who I am. No classroom lessons required in that. It’s me. But don’t take advantage of it. Don’t misinterpret that for weakness or being stupid. It’s the strength that has seen me this far. The same strength that allowed me to rebuild that life before, amongst all those other challenges.
Beneath all of my gentleness that I would rather be every day of the week, is a gladiator who knows how to fight when she needs to and I won’t just lie down and take it.
I am nearing the other side of this current battle and feeling my gladiator rising.
I may still be hidden right now but rise I will
Red Coat style.