Love and Cynical Corner

I stood on the corner of love and cynical this morning. I’m very very tired.
I rarely pause at that corner.. I usually keep on walking down the road of love .. cynical always seems to quietly eat away at a persons heart…

When talking to my therapist about my current struggles she asked me how much do I value myself… what am I worth? Am I special and if so what do I deserve?
I walked home with the phrase “knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing” in my mind.. I wasn’t sure why?
I don’t really care about money.. never have.. probably because Ive never really had loads and never really missed it… we have to have it to survive in this greedy world but its not a motivator for me. That’s not to say I don’t like nice things, mainly trips to other places.
But I often find that money is another source of, I’m better than you because I have more of it… not always, but quite a lot.
Money.. it gives you choices for sure, it gives you the comforts of life and in the rankings of social status it elevates you up the list.. but I often wonder what the pay off is.
The gap between the haves and the have nots grows ever wider in this world where we are constantly told that we need this and we need that if we are to have an easier and happier life and if we don’t then we have nothing.
Simple just doesn’t cut it… the latest everything is where it is at and if you don’t aspire to that well you have no ambitions of greatness.
I remember when I was a kid.. Christmas Day with a pillow case of presents. A pack of felt tip pens, a selection pack, Snow White socks one year I got a ballerina cindy doll… so exciting! she came everywhere with me.. I loved the smell of her hair and bending her toes on pointe.
But actually what I really remember was the excitement and the anticipation. I always really loved setting the table for dinner For the best dinner of the year.. putting the napkins in glasses like I’d seen my mum do, as if we were in some fancy pants restaurant.. and putting out the lovingly made crackers that my mum created from toilet roll holders and wrapping paper and curly metallic string… all containing the smallest most thoughtful gift that would fit inside.. what treasure lay inside mine? a teddy bear brooch with perfume inside from the Avon lady was my favourite one year.

I feel like I got caught in happy then and have rambled.

Where am I going with this.. I’m not quite sure.. do I value myself? What am I worth? what is the price I put on my head? .. do I need to have a value?
I think I am special. I am unique. But no more or less than the next person. Aren’t we all special in our own uniqueness. Isn’t that what makes the world magic. What I value most is love and freedom. If love and freedom were a currency then I get richer every day. But what is the pay off. Unfortunately it doesn’t pay the bills and sometimes it can feel hard.
I’ve sat with this thought of value and special all week.. there have been some moments of pain during the week where throwing money at it would certainly have solved the problem and to have a life of comfort and security would feel wonderful right now … but not once in my week did my joy come from something you could buy.. a sweet message from a friend, a you’re amazing from my colleague, cuddles and chuckles and old Merlin repeats with my girl last night, and amazing and inspiring new people I met on Tuesday … it sounds cheesy even as I write it, but it’s the truth.. the childlike excitement that I feel about a million things a million times a day that I want to tell people about is where my happy comes from.
This morning I was up early and driving to my Saturday work… feeling really tired, financially poor and in need of the yoga retreat my therapist had mentioned she had been on for five days at the end of my session.. was she trying to show me what valuing myself looked like?
I have to say she did make me feel a little hard done by…
and then just like that, as I was driving I saw the sun pushing through a misty morning over the forest and guettas “when love takes over” came on the radio and I just laughed and laughed.. perhaps I don’t value myself enough and maybe this bohemian dream could use a little polish up sometimes (The idea of a penniless writer looks better in my head)
… but I certainly do it all with a smile and a wink 😊😉
We”re made how we are made… and that’s what makes me special.. actually.. Priceless Mate!

Just as I finished writing a colleague came in and said “I need a pen” i said there are some in the pot.. he said “I was hoping for a more special one”.. .. do you need a special pen I laughed. Had to love his timing 😉🎈


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