Desire to Change

Someone helped me in more ways than they could ever imagine…
I dread to think of the wounds I have inflicted on them in the process.
I know who I am… complicated to the point of crazy sometimes. But so warm, kind, loving and very open (to a point). and good. I know I’m a good person even when I get things wrong. My strength is also my weakness. My heart beats hard and fast. There is nothing I do in life that happens half heartedly. Whatever I do I put myself right in it and push myself to my very limits. Always trying to see the picture with a real clarity so that I can try and make the right decisions. Not just for me but for everyone.
In my chaos and confusion I imagine I leave a trail of destruction behind me but I don’t ever mean to.
I have taken more risks in the last couple of years than I’ve ever taken in my whole life and obviously with risks come mistakes and I’ve made them by the bucket load.
Some of them just through misunderstanding but others through complete self sabotage.
I’m my quest to be a force of good in the world I have injured myself greatly and in turn have injured others. In having to look deeper than I’ve ever dared to look it has taken my ability to self sabotage to whole new levels that I didn’t think possible but has also made me really think about why I do it and how I can change that. To feel like I have the right to just be happy. And to have various people in my life that I can be there for and can be there for me without having to push and test and take it to a limit that makes it easy to walk away from.

But this person who has helped me has such a solid and unshakable place in my heart. So solid they will be carried along with me my whole life hopefully always in person rather than a memory but as a friend who has never given up on me.
To see everything that frankly is pretty shit about who I am and not judge.
A brightly shining light of what I would like to be but will never be.
The quiet power they possess shines out so brightly it draws everyone from far and wide and their care must continually drain their very existence.
They are searching for their happiness and never has one person deserved so much to find it. They deserve to be loved in a way that makes them feel like they are the centre of the universe. Anything less just wouldn’t be worthy and I truly wish that for them.
I didn’t realise just how selfish I was until I met them. In all my sorrows they lifted me up, believed in me, inspired me and showed me what I am and what I can be.. I could not believe a person like this existed in the world. I could not believe that they found their way into my world became my friend and navigated the maze of death defying obstacles that I continually put in front of me in my fear of the unknown. And every time that I pushed them over they got back up and stood strong. Until I stood on the edge and had no where else to hide.
But in going all the way to the edge I was able to finally see and believe in pure unselfish and perfect friendship. Exactly what I had always wanted. The sort that had I known it when I was young would have saved me from so much self loathing. It has made me a better person but in going to the edge may have destroyed what helped me to get there.
Yes my fear in life is seeing those I love leave me. The self fulfilling prophecy I repeat time and tine again.. all because the person that was meant to be there for me come what may didn’t care whether I was in the world or not.. he found replacements. Better versions of the not good enough originals. The embarrassments. The not what he had hoped for. So detach and start again as though he had never existed in that world. Leave the broken versions and start again. This time he will do a better job with more perfect versions.

To know that I don’t exist in that persons world, that they have never bothered to reattach has left me wounded my whole life. Even though they never gave me anything of value it has left me with the notion that im not good enough even for a person who doesn’t deserve my love. That would take out all his frustrations of life, by hurting a child who was always so loving and was desperate to be loved in return.
The fear of giving your love to people who might hurt you and then forget you ever existed.. it’s not an easy thing for me to do. To hold at arms length and just show the lovable qualities and hide the not so great.
I wonder how many friends I have pushed away through the years, that have found their way to be closer to me but as I become more comfortable with them the fear rises and I sabotage it and push them away.
But I am battling with it.. trying to change that pattern.. I recognise it, I’m so aware of it and yet it is so powerful that it is hard to contain. It takes real strength for me to push against it and there are very few that have the ability or will to want to try.

So I continue on with the hope that eventually I will conquer this demon. That I will find all the strength that doesn’t require it from others and hope that those people I try to push away will hold their ground.
To show the scared girl who just wants to love and be loved feels like a good start.
I wrote this last night and shared it with people I haven’t known long. It felt good. I came away happy. and that’s all I want really. To be happy and make others happy. To be the sort of friend people want in all my colours and accept me just as I am. No more no less.
I believe it is possible. I believe I can change.

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