Sitting slap bang in the middle of Teatro dal Verme in Milan.
My randomly bought single ticket placed me in such a central position that I could not have managed if I had tried. With a huge gap to the seating in front and no one currently sitting on either side of me. I should feel completely exposed and alone sitting here by myself, glittering in my little black sequin dress which had felt slightly overboard when I’d packed it, but sitting here now felt exactly what was required.
As I had stood in the bar a few moments ago I’d felt confident to sparkle not hide. I was aware of being a girl on my own surrounded by couples but I was surprised at how at ease I felt. Im new to this so I had a little what’s app beside me just so I could share but although unfamiliar there was something exciting in being on my own. It sent my imagination into my archive of most loved film moments and perhaps in my movie tonight I might just be the glamorous and enigmatic heroine as I stood sipping my Prosecco.
But even in this moment you can’t remove the down to earth girl in the Milanese dream, who paid a tenner for her dress in petticoat lane market knowing that no one would know the difference. The Emperor’s new clothes was always a fav of mine and often rings in my head in this very modern world of materialism. Prada it was not but it didn’t sparkle any less. Those dreams are always more beautiful when I keep myself real.
As I sit here looking around, taking in this unlikely and surreal moment, I smile to myself in thinking how I got here.
Such a spontaneous moment that was like a mini roller coaster. From zero to hero to zero to hero. When I talk steppingstones of life this one is right up there and happened so fast it made me spin or twirl. A mixture.
I had awoken one beautiful sunny morning, I think at the end of September. I had gone to sleep the previous night thinking about love in all its pleasure and it’s pain. A friend who had a new puppy had again reminded me of that beautiful childlike love that is pure and requires nothing. It made me think of the simpleness of who I am and what makes me tick.
I was carrying a lot of feelings that were overwhelming me and making me certain/confused, happy/unhappy, hopeful /despairing, Dreamy/Real. Feelings are full of contradictions.
My phone pinged. It was S. I hadn’t heard from her for a while. She is a newer friend. I had known her for about a year at work and we were both dreamers. That was our connection and we understood each other’s hopes.
When she returned to Rome I was happy for her. It had been difficult for her in London and she had wanted the sanctuary of the life she had left behind in Italy. The way she described it sounded so wonderful. Just on the outskirts of Rome and next to the sea. She would spend her summer there recovering. We had chatted over the time that followed and she moved to Milan for work. And I had visited her back in April. It had been amazing and a first trip for me in a long time all by myself. And it cemented our friendship.
When she messaged that morning she asked when I was coming back. I had definitely thought I would at some point but I had been away a lot, had lots going on and frankly was completely financially broke. Priorities!!!
As I was wandering along reading her message on that sunny morning I was listening to Ludovico Einaudi. He is a favourite of mine. There is something about his music that captures the essence of my heart in a way that takes me everywhere I want to go. I have previously posted a couple of my favourites.
I was not brought up on music like this but I have always loved what I love. I know very little in the facts, and the names and the titles and all those other things that are supposed to make you experts in music or anything else for that matter, particularly anything with a classical feel. Funny how some people like to keep such things locked away from the majority by making it appear like you need to know the details. But what I know as with all things I love, is to feel them is to love them. Because they move me in a way that can’t be articulated and categorised. To appreciate anything is politeness but to love it and feel it from the heart.. that’s honest and pure and what matters. I always think that anyone who creates something does it hoping that it will be loved rather than appreciated.
The closest I can come to explain how I feel with his music is that for me it captures the romance and beauty of life with a soulful power that illuminates my senses to see the world through magical eyes. Every note in his music captures the beats of my heart. They are one and the same. We overlap in every way.
I responded to S saying I’ll be back sometime next year. And then just for something to do I googled Einaudi, and there it was.
Ludovico Einaudi playing in Milan in December. I remember laughing. One of my cheeky, can I? laughs. These are the moments. The game changers.
I mean that would be crazy, ridiculous, frivolous.
I have no money for such fantasies. But…
And there it started. The search for tickets. S found some for sixty Euro.
But then no, they had gone up to two hundred Euro. From hero to zero in the space of a day with a boring essay to complete that I had no idea how to do and had lost all interest in. Maybe things like this don’t happen for people like me. Maybe all my dreamy wonder is a load of nonsense like people often say?!
But the next morning I was still a believer. It can be hard to keep the faith in dreans but without the faith what is there. This is my life, the only one I’m ever going to be given and I want to live it in the best and most fantastical way possible. Never at the expense of anyone else’s happiness but to live as me and be happy.. It feels like something everyone deserves in life and for me even better if you can share it but sometimes I guess that’s not always possible.
I had been looking for two tickets but realised that I didn’t need anyone to come with me. I was more than capable of going alone. And of course that’s what destiny had wanted me to see as there it suddenly appeared like Charlie Bucket’s golden ticket to the chocolate factory. One ticket for fifty Euro for a Thursday night in December. And within seconds it was booked. The dream was alive and I felt like a hero again.
For a moment I took a breath. Credit carded with flights and hotels to find. This trip needed to be cheap and brief. One night was going to have to be enough for this adventure.
So whilst having a meeting with my new colleague A, I booked my flights and hotel. He was so caught up in the magic of this trip he jumped on board my cloud and was now searching for the perfect hotel for me. We were supposed to be discussing clean data. I think both of us were happy for the distraction from that.
While he was searching I booked my fifty quid return flight and found a hotel round the corner to the theatre for forty euro with breakfast. With no sense of direction and a girl on my own I was very practical, Well there’s something new!
A carried on searching. He was very happy on my cloud that avoided real work so who was I to take that away. Every time I saw him up to the day before I went he asked about my trip. He was like an excited little kid. I can’t help feeling he might book one of his own some time very soon. I hope so.
So time ticked past. This magical dream lay ahead while I was struggling to deal with some huge realities. Unpacking that heavy case whilst dealing with the real. It was impossible to find the time to think about the dream that lay ahead Quietly it waited in the background. It knew that when I got to it I would be ready. It was a close call. I had been struggling with something very big that had taken me to my very darkest depths but someone without even trying, in their very natural way, wiped it out. Their simple acceptance made that huge boulder disintegrate just like that. Not crazy just a result of experiences. I never knew what it might feel like to walk without carrying that huge weight but suddenly it was gone. Washed away in quiet care. Wow, there is a dream that came true.
And acceptance was all that was required. Someone wrap that up and give it as a Christmas gift.
That present is priceless.
And suddenly the wheels of moving forward starting turning, Very slowly, but the heaviness that had engulfed my summer lightness was thrown away in favour of a newer unfinished version of all the best bits. The fun, the dreamy, the joker, the carer, the deep thinker who takes her responsibilities in life seriously and the frivolous and spontaneous girl who follows her heart.. The forever believer in possibilities, dreams, magic, love and destiny. Finally ready to start flying freely.
And as with all the best trilogies, this one will be contined.
The story of this Milanese dream has not even yet begun…