How differently you can feel in a day. On Christmas Eve, a day that has always been my favourite day of years gone by with all its magical anticipation, I felt suddenly very alone. In fact not just alone but lonely. Perhaps it was the pressure of everything needing to be oh so perfect at this time of year when for most it isn’t.
God.. how lucky I feel. I’ve had that. That picture perfect chapter where I literally had it all. I had the perfect life. We had the perfect life and we let it slip through our fingers.
So not only was I feeling the sting of that lonely but with a heavy heart that I had not worked hard enough, not tried enough, not given enough, not changed enough, not understood enough, not forgiven enough, not made allowances enough, Just not been good enough to hold on to and treasure something that had been so perfect.
When I woke this morning I felt ok on my own. Peaceful, hopeful.
Today I will spend my day in exactly the same way I have through many years. And my girl will fill my heart with such joy that it will make me fly. But despite the appearances of familiarity something is missing. That magical element that is so rare to find, that was captured like a lightning bolt in a glass jar that was dropped and shattered and all the magical contents disappeared. Just the fragments of that beautiful dream as a reminder of what was once there.
I wonder if it is worse to long for a dream that you are desperate to know and just isn’t happening or to have had that dream which was lost and long for a dream that what was once held.
Either way I know that I am one of the many people out there who are not living in the perfect Christmas Dream today but knowing that I am so much luckier than so many.
For some..intense sadness, isolation and unimaginable despair is their reality. I am thinking of you, hoping for you, wishing for you. So I hold hands with you, Feel my love, because life is so very precious and so are YOU ❤️