What a statement that feels like for me. Physically I moved from the hole in the ceiling to a beautiful new apartment at the top of a house overlooking the forest.
I can’t believe my good fortune in coming into a new year and finding this place.
As I sit alone in my separate lounge on my comfy sofa with just my fairy lights to bring a glow to the dark, quietness and calm prevails. What a lovely sound silence is. For one so chatty and constantly busy these rare moments of solitude feel wonderful and allow me time to breathe.
Because I haven’t just moved to a new building I have moved forward. In fact I leapt forward through all the flames of fear and into the unknown. And I won’t lie, it feels scary and like starting from scratch with no fall back, no people to bail me out, no plan B.
I am a dreamer so what do I dream. To just be loved for being me.
Not what you want me to be, or a lesser version, or something that provides all your happy but doesn’t care about mine.
If you love me you have to love all of me. Unconditionally! Because that will always be what I am giving.
I wrote something a couple of days ago and posted and then deleted because what surrounded it didn’t have a place with it.
This isn’t about new adventures or big experiences or becoming something.
This is what it has always been about for me .. LOVE and what that means for me.
I said a few days ago that I don’t know what love is anymore.
That’s not true.
I know exactly what it is.
Love is squashed fairy cakes with chocolate buttons.
The cake is your simple mix and flavoured in a way that is unique, beautiful, imperfect and will not be to everyone’s taste but who wants bland. The icing is the happy. For some, extravagant swirly whirly piled on high buttercream frosted, for me white icing sugar and water. There is so much pleasure in simplicity. And the chocolate button? Well the chocolate button is the magic. It brings the cake to life. It adds something extra in a way that doesn’t overpower it.
When I think of love it is
about caring for another person in all their real and their dreams, wanting them to be everything they are and want to be and being proud of all those things, being able to be honest, open, just who you are without having to hide bits because they don’t match, or are inconvenient or don’t fit. It’s about sharing the happiness and the sadness of life. Allowing each other to fly in freedom and taking joy from that even when you are not a part of it. There is such magic in tasting another persons happy. But always ready to catch if you or they should fall.
Being a part of something that together grows and evolves but apart still lives,exists, breathes and flourishes.
Love for me should feel like freedom. Free to be who you are in every way and free to have your own life but with the chocolate button of magic in sharing it with another.
Does that sound crazy?
For me anything less just isn’t enough. It would be asking me not to be me and I need to. Because there lies my icing.
So it turns out that squashed fairy cakes with chocolate buttons, which were once so laughed at, are in fact just how I want them.