I love walking home in the dark in the snow. How beautifully magical is that. The world looks so different behind a flurry of snow which feels cold on your face and makes your cheeks rosy red when you hit the warmth. I always say things are in the timing and it could not have been better in wandering five minutes from the tube station to my new palace that I feel so at home in already. Was I always here and I imagined everything before.
Although dreaming is so where I’m at today.
My pals at work shared in my excitement of my perfect pad. Unbelieving of the gift of where I’m living on my teeny tiny budget. It’s what dreams are made of. I have smiled every time I’ve walked through the door, pinching myself because only an angel could have guided me to this place in that moment. And oh so much more wonderful having experienced the struggle to get here. I’ve always believed that good things come after struggle and this proves it for me and If you are feeling my excitement or my gratitude it’s because my whole life has been about that. For all that makes me cry there is always so much more that makes me smile. And I think I will struggle to put this smile away.
So as I was walking I was thinking “what next?”
But in fact right at this moment I don’t care. Its cold outside and it’s warm in here and frankly Im very happy in my nice new warm place. Happy to venture out to my normal everyday and return to eutopia to sit and write and drink tea and paint my nails and eat chocolate biscuits and do little jobs and lie back on my settee listening to music and dream…
Doing absolutely nothing is looking very appealing to me right now. Maybe because I haven’t stopped doing and doing nothing is feeling like a marvellous novelty which I’m completely happy in and feeling no urgency to change that. I’m sure it won’t last forever but while it does I feel like I want to savour it, enjoy it, deserve it. I had forgotten what a difference it makes to have a place of cosy and safe and what that gives you.
And it makes me think as I often do of those who don’t have those most basic of entitlements and how my magical snow is a tough nights no sleep somewhere dangerous and cold.
Grateful doesn’t even come close as I write this.
So in my lucky I will dream. But what to dream of when I suddenly find myself living in it.
Others.. I’d like to find more time to make little tiny differences in things that mean something to me.
There are a million ways to spend a life but while I’m allowing myself to feel this beautiful happy it won’t be able to survive in isolation and through eyes that see.
I’m not exactly sure what yet but when I feel that care I will know.
Work.. I’m working hard. I have 2 jobs I love. The balance of those is just right in giving me the different elements I need to keep me interested, motivated and excited about the wealth of room to grow. I need to learn. Not in book style but through others. Both jobs give me that in different ways and I love meeting different people. They open my eyes in so many ways. Inspiring me to go in directions. And Im feeling ever more fearless to try things I don’t know if I can do. So although work feels under control perhaps I want to push to a place of less control. But slow and steady works for me. I’m pretty patient . I’ll arrive at the next stop when I’m meant to.
My girl.. spreading her wings more and more. Making me laugh on a regular basis in her thoughts of what she might like to do. Apply to Oxford and Cambridge so that she can say no ta not my scene. Become a member of the SAS. She’s in training with a million stomach crunches and walking up and down these new stairs carrying heavy stuff or becoming an ambulance paramedic, first on the scene to save a life. An interesting combo for the girl that loves to sing and dance. I love that she has dreams.. who knows where they will lead her but I always believe they will take her somewhere special. Because she has a unique, cynically funny and down to earth charm that is impossible not to be caught up in. She knows her own mind and I’m not messing with that.
Friends.. the best.. a totally wonderful mix of everyone which all mashed together make my world an interesting and fantastical place to live. The world cannot hold the love I feel for my closest and most special people. They bring something extra magical to cross the line to the deepest part of my heart. For those rare and wonderful treasured diamonds who would totally know who they are, a constant wishing for their dreams is what I give.
I foresee lots and lots of fun times ahead with friends but spontaneous is what I’m hoping for because I’m not really a planner. And the best things of my life have always been the things I have just rocked up to without much thought. And I have rocked up to a lot on a whim.
Writing.. a little more time and relaxed space to do that. So much thoughts that wash around and sometimes have no other purpose than to just be thoughts. I like the randomness of them and seeing them on a page suddenly makes them disappear or morph into something completely new. I struggle so much to contain them but I don’t know why I’ve used so much energy trying. I don’t want to contain myself. Hear me or don’t but I always
feel much happier saying.
Travel.. yes I would love to. Not now while it’s cold and to travel in my way. Sharing it with others. The fun of those experiences are always in the people and never in the place. I see everything. It hits me from every angle and I’m captivated by the small things and never the big. But what I see more is the expressions of others in it with me. There’s my magic of travel in a new place. Everything I need is exactly where I am. The surroundings will fill me with joy for a moment but mine and others feelings are the part that is absorbed. I rarely take photos because I can’t capture those feelings on film. They are completely held within me and I could describe every place I’ve ever been to vividly in the thoughts and feelings that were shared. A travel guide I will never be unless you are interested in what it felt like. What I love is the difference in those feelings depending on where you are and the wonder that it creates. New, different and yet all under the same sky. So yes to travel and experience something different but with people I love who want to share that with me.
So what’s left.. Dancing.. . I want to dance everywhere I can… preferably outside under the sun on a beach or high up on a mountain under the stars or in warm rain in a crowded place where everyone decides to dance too.
And suddenly my dreaming overtakes me. Dreaming is dancing.
To dream and write feels wonderful but to just lie and be lost in dreams is exactly where I’m heading because when i find myself in this place I just need to go with it……..