Because I was Free

Wow!!! One month into my magical lucky number year and I’m feeling pretty incredible.
19 is my roulette number.. It signifies so much and is all about taking a chance in this one life we are given and making it count. Number 19 ..First chip down and bam 💥 36-1 and my fiver turns into 180 quid. Haven’t been to a casino for a while… I feel like my luck is in and will put that on my list of things to do this year. To take a gamble on some unpredictable magic is a chance worth taking. I learnt that a long time ago and it paid off until that luck ran out. But the magic did not. To sparkle even as a loser is to sparkle more brightly. And that extra sparkle makes me a winner.
So what of my month. Well it has been treasured for every moment of every day which has gone beyond even by my own standards.
Not that I’ve done anything of any real magnitude or excitement.
Well no that’s a little bit understated. I moved!!!
Like a Cinderella story of rags to riches.
Totally feeling like a princess in my new world amongst all my busy with candle lit bath times, relaxing evenings with a glass of vino listening to music and lost in my own thoughts within the warm glow of contentment and heating.
I can almost remember myself on a freezing cold night like this last year. Hanging  out under my duvet with a cheap heater at full blast hugging my of course red hot water bottle. Distant memory of another time and another girl.
No such shenanigans these days.
Hanging out under my duvet from now on will be a much more pleasurable experience. I’ll put all my chips on that gamble.
Something in me has come back to life. The part that was lost for a while when I had felt so broken at times, more than anyone would have ever been able to see despite having to live it out in front of many eyes. Some eyes that saw so much, some that saw nothing and some that judged in what they didn’t understand. Eyes tell such a story. It is my most favourite part of a persons physicality. There is such truth in eyes being a window to a persons soul. You can see everything you need to if you look hard enough. Even this morning on the tube when it was so busy I looked out of the tube window and caught the eyes of a heavily pregnant young woman standing in the cold waiting for a safer entrance to the tube. Our eyes met and we smiled at each other. She felt my care for her being in the cold and caught in the bustle of tube traffic and I felt her thanks for me noticing. When I look into the eyes of someone I care about it’s like I can see everything they want me to see but so much more beyond. What a magical thing that is.

I feel like I’m happily hibernating but living so much in that. I’m enjoying every single little joy that the day affords me. I am laughing like me. I laugh all the time. It’s who I am because I find joy in the tiniest of things. The things that some people don’t see but for me are like a blanket around everything else.
I started the new year feeling so excited and ready for the adventure ahead and then suddenly caught by the fear that comes from sadness. I’ve felt that sadness in every way a person can over so much time and I took the decision to feel my own new found and fought for happiness instead. Not selfishly. I’m not in the business of bringing others sadness. Ever!!! But what do you do when you are completely broken. You fix a little bit at a time. It’s not easy and sometimes you have to fix and refix again until after all that hard work you find yourself in a place of being shiny and new but more importantly and even better that the heart of what was broken still remains in tact, untarnished and as girlishly sweet and purely beautiful as it has always been. More than anything that makes me happy.

Because to have ended up cynical and bitter would mean that I had lost myself. The very essence of who I am. The magic, the dreams, the love. Its everything I am and it’s that simple.

And those judging eyes are no longer able to penetrate that because this heart knows that they came from their own unwillingness to look at it in themselves.
To feel better than someone else is to not dare to look at yourself. I’ve definitely looked at myself. Its not all Disney and I’m definitely not perfect but there is more I like than not. Which feels a pretty amazing thing to say and even more so to believe.
So January in all its tiny and insignificant details has felt like a most wonderful and beautiful world to live in. And I’m totally ready for some more hibernation in February… although I do have a fun party to go to in a converted old cinema and three days away with my boys by the seaside. Now that’s gonna be an interesting residential.
I thought this morning after a friends message that says very little but always means a lot that I am like a bacon butty. It’s simple and unfancy, it doesn’t pretend to be what it’s not, it has a lot of sauce, can bring enormous pleasure and at its best will make anyone feel better and happier especially after a hangover.

And so although this month I have said a lot … That’s my January!


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