For one who has always found more energy in being around others I’m constantly discovering another part of me that feels energy, magic and happiness all by myself.
I am a sharer. No point in pretending because I totally am. In fact I am fascinated by the principle of sharing. There is a huge difference between self reliance and a natural urge to want to share. The two things are completely unrelated and I see this more and more. Sharing is huge part of my make up. It’s how I make decisions, learn, feel and relate. My happiness is somehow entwined in this and when I think of this blog it somehow fulfils a need in me where other outlets aren’t available. Although sharing for me is like absolutely everything else, a two way street. I assume and hope that others will reciprocate without being asked. Weirdly I find myself drawn to people who are the opposite of that. I wondered recently if that is because my mum is everything I am but an introverted version.
She always says to me that she loves my excitable.
Im not a sharer because I’m needy. I mean, when I struggled I was the neediest I’ve ever been in my life. Not a feeling I liked or felt comfortable with. But I’ve come to accept that It didn’t make me less it just made me human. Neediness feels like it has all but disappeared other than perhaps showing itself in little insecurities that still exist and probably always will to a point. If there is a person in this world who is totally secure in every single sense of the word then I salute you. But I do find myself wondering if you feel anything.
Despite not feeling needy I still have a huge desire to share. And I’m realising that needy and sharing are very different beasts. Sharing for me is more about giving and taking magic that comes in thoughts, experiences and emotions. There is something so basically human in sharing. I find very little pleasure in eating a whole bag of sweets myself. I love sweets but I don’t want to eat all of them. In fact I want to try some of yours. There is something wonderful in knowing what those same sweets taste like to someone else. Of course it’s fine if they don’t want to try them. They can eat their own and not share but I guess that just feels so unfamiliar for me. I would always rather swap you some of mine for some of yours. It makes for more variety.
Think miniature heroes. a wispa, cream egg and dairy milk rather than 3 dairy milks.
But.. and it’s quite a big but.. there are moments of solitude where I just want to take my share of those sweets somewhere very quiet and enjoy them all by myself. So that I can really taste them. How else can I share that taste if I don’t know what that is. And just sometimes.
Today was one of those times having been surrounded by people constantly all week which I really love, but is increasingly tiring in the depth of what that looks like and so I just need a slight rest from it.
But even then in a slightly different way.
So this morning I woke up early and happily rolled around in my bed because it’s so comfy and I’m up early every single day. A moment of lie in felt pretty epic. I had a brief but beautiful moment of seeing the sun shining across the forest from my bedroom window and I instantly felt alive.
So I headed into that magical place of unknown, to discover what lay beneath those frosty treetops. But as I started my adventure with various thoughts and feelings, I shared them with the people that mattered to me in differing ways. I try to pick the right sweets for the right person.
My “take” is having a place beyond myself to capture these feelings My “give” is to pass on my excitement and wonder in the hope they will feel that in all its undiluted intensity to feel able to “take” in return.
But if you are not a sharer I’m guessing that this can look very much like “take take”.
As I walked deeper into that forest it became mine. Like disappearing into my child within, who sees the fantasy of what is living around me. Hearing every sound.. the wind, a voice floating in the breeze, the various birds singing, cars in the distance or those sounds that take me back, in this case some machine being used in someones garden. Hearing that sound is like I’m lying on my bed in the summer, window open and net curtain blowing in the warm breeze and daydreaming about marrying the popstars on my posters.
And the sights… intricate formations of tree stumps, or a little bridge across a ditch. Or the maze of possible paths to be taken and imagining where they might lead and what magic I might find, and the patterns in the mud and the branches of the trees and the colour of the leaves and the way the sunlight hits certain parts of the forest and and….
I found myself lost and conpletely alone as I walked deeper and deeper into a place that could have been “the road to terabithia”. I watched that last week with my girl and laughed when she said “you’re like that weird kid who creates a world out of nothing” Perfectly correct and weirdo girl I may be but at this point I should say I became very aware of being a woman deep in the forest all by myself with no one around. I have a feeling this would feel very different for a man. And despite the fact that I don’t want to restrict myself in my adventures I’m also acutely aware of my own safety and the limitations that can bring as a woman not just here but in so many places. Perhaps if I didn’t have my girl I would care less. But my responsibilities to her trump everything and remind me to take care. Even lovely L messaged me to take care ❤️
So I ventured just a little further in isolation and found a half frozen lake. I have been missing my special place of 18 months which I strolled to so easily and safely. This was beautiful but it didn’t have quite the same appeal. Bigger and better I’m sure but that’s never been an attraction for me. Ive always preferred understated with hidden wonder that comes to life and sparkles when no one is looking. That was my old pond and it’s still in walking distance but I’m sure I’ll enjoy this one too.
As I ventured back with no sense of direction in where I was or where I was going I had a magical moment in finding a swing tied to a tree hidden in a quiet spot of nowhere. So hidden it could be easily missed if you didn’t know it was there. I didn’t know but I didn’t miss it. As I swung quietly in the morning sunshine With No one around other than my friends the trees, and a couple of cheeky squirrels, my happiness was taken to a beautiful place of peacefulness.
Just swinging.. not thinking, not dreaming, not wondering, and not SHARING… just swinging. It was all I needed just for that moment. Simple and easy and perfect.
There in nowhere was my new special place for moments of solitude. As I walked back I thought, will I find my way to that special place of solitude again? Yes.. of that I have no doubt.
And then I thought, I’ll be wanting to share this magic in my blog.
You can’t suppress what you are.
So share I am… with gratitude 😊 xxx