I have found myself reading my own posts tonight as if trying to inspire myself, remind myself of exactly who I am. As if searching for something that will show me where I’m supposed to go or where I belong.
As I read my thoughts of being on fire, magic in the world, quiet superhero, happy confidence dreamy rain, I thought ..Where has that girl been over the last couple of days?
Numb, angry and sad engulfed me and I don’t like feeling that way.
I had felt so happy, so light and suddenly my world had felt very heavy and draining.
Something rocked me to the very core of who I am as a human. At the most basic and stripped back level. And made me think..
Who do I want to be? What does a life mean to me? What part do I want to play in this world?
And I won’t lie, the easy happy fun route was looking very appealing from where I was sitting.
I have a version of me that fits that like a perfect rainbow coloured glove. I know exactly how to live that way and it is beautiful and of course is filled with people who want to live in it with me. Because it has lots of smiles and laughs and light.
I want that so much and I could so easily have it all the time If I just gave up on the things that make it darker and much harder. Because my heart feels like it magnifies everything by a million. Where others can remove themselves slightly I seem to let myself take the full force as I wander in heart wide open.
And yet, despite how much it hurts me it’s not enough for me to just take that easy life. I often think.. Am I right for this? Maybe not if I think about it from a self perspective. Fluffy was never really gonna cut it when it comes to darkness. But when I turn it round, then I think, Yes I am. Because I care more than anyone would ever realise. It’s inbuilt, instinctive and natural. There is nothing pretend about it. It really is love in its purest form. And I’m glad I’m made that way. Even if at times it feels difficult.
And what I finally realised while I was cleaning my bathroom tonight was this most wonderful, special, magical moonbeam that rocked my world has made me see that isolation and sadness may come as part of the package for trying to be something more than I ever thought possible.
Perhaps success and riches will show themselves to me in a way that has more value beyond what anyone else will ever see or care about. Perhaps my dream is to live in what is not and try as hard as I possibly can to create a dream within that.
Right at this second that is feeling a little impossible for me but perhaps nothing is impossible if you really believe. And I so want to believe. I just need a little help from people who love me, to find the extra strength to make it possible.
Because as a friend said to me “ I know I can do this”