This is the final chapter in this particular story. I think realising that happy fun times is what I’m all about, finally gave the universe everything it required from me to give me the piece of paper that I wanted but didn’t need. It’s not sunk in yet and I’m struggling to share it with pretty much all of the people I was in it with, but having shared it with my very nearest and dearest, the feeling of proudness and love that I have had from my closest friends and the people who helped me the most when I really needed it, has felt overwhelming.
I love my girl, my mum, my little bro and my close friends unashamedly and unconditionally.
I did everything required of me and more to get to this point of having a million options and possibilities.
In finishing this thing and passing it, it has washed away every doubt I’ve ever had in believing in myself.
It doesn’t matter if anyone else sees me.
I see me. I know what I’m made of and what I believe in. I also know the sort of people who make the difference to my world. My circle may have decreased but it has grown in value and those different characters, some of whom are so different to me and on paper probably don’t fit with me or my world, But who absolutely fit with me and my world. They are part of it, part of me and they always will be.
And I love them ❤️
I’ve never tried or worked so hard for something in my whole life. I gave everything of myself to it… everything. And when I thought that I had nothing else left I found some more, and some more and just even a great big bit more. Never have I had to dig so deep, physically, mentally and emotionally with all the chaos and upset that surrounded it. At times feeling completely exhausted by the workload and lack of time, so alone and isolated in the darkness of what I had to revisit and completely emotional in all my confusion, tiredness and care.
I remember once in my tutorial, when I had hit the wall in what I felt I could put myself through, my tutor just held my hand. For 30 minutes while we talked. I had felt so isolated in everyone’s pain whilst trying to carry my own. I just couldn’t bear any more. He hugged me before I left. And it was all I needed in my aloneness which was magnified by being surrounded by everyone else’s togetherness. No one really saw exactly what that looked like for me. To do it when I was loved by someone would have felt difficult. To do it when someone had loved me for half my life, the best half, and didn’t anymore when I tried to be more, well that nearly broke me.
I never knew what it was like to feel like my heart had been crushed.
It has taken me a long time to mend.
But one person gave me so much. What they probably needed just for themselves. They helped me. They will never understand how much that stopped me falling off the track many times. Or even when I fell, showing the absolute worst and dregs of who I am, never giving up on me. For why I will never really know. But You, And I know you will know who you are, are truly loved by me. In every way possible. And more than you know! Thankyou!!!
When I finally received that email confirming that it was over and I had passed I just stopped working. For a moment. And I breathed. One of the best breaths I’ve ever taken and one of my best sessions I’ve had following that breath. I’m good at this. I can say that. Not because I’m a master of theory but because people trust me and I try my best to be everything they need and I really and truly care and they know it. I cared about the piece of paper because it opens more possibilities in what I might do. This is my opportunity. I think I can do something really worthwhile with this.
Yes I am frivolous fun and that makes my world go round. That flighty, spontaneous, dreamy, whimsical. Adventurous, curious, fun, and loving girl is the best of who I am and it also has a place in something useful and that might make little tiny differences to someone else’s world that is shadowed by dark clouds. Together we can find a gap for the sunshine to push through. It’s possible.. always! And I always said .. it’s lovely being happy but it’s so much nicer when people around you feel happy too.
There are a million ways to try and do that. This is just one.. no doubt while I’m exploring I will find more.
For all those that laughed at me, doubted me or put me down as though I was selfish, silly, fluffy, stupid, emotional and unreal.
You hurt me, very very much, when I was feeling at my most vulnerable and in need of love. You made me question who I was and if I was any good. But It doesn’t matter now. Your thoughts don’t hurt me anymore.
I have no doubt that there will always be people much more skilled and clever than me, that will read the books and have the knowledge and will know it all.. but if you want someone who gives a shit, who is gentle and warm and will love and care about you whoever, however you are and will work her arse off to see everything about you, good and bad and think it is all wonderful, then I’m totally your girl.
Because that is what makes the GITRC unique and makes her heart beat ❤️
And for one lucky someone, out there in this universe, who is able to see the value of that, and the value of me, I will be the person that will make your world light up beyond your imagination.
And all I will ever need in return is to be loved right back and be given the space and the freedom to just to be me.
Because I’m totally worth it 😊