The sun is shining so beautifully today. The perfect springtime weather which always fills me with bubbly happiness… well usually.
I was in the perfect place. Feeling light and dreamy and happy. Booking trips and spending times with friends.
It’s funny, I had thought about doing a blog about my closest friends. I have so much love and care for them.
My very closest friends I can count on one hand. I mean I have lots of different friends and acquaintances. I love seeing them for nights out and meet ups.
But I’ve always been very discerning with close friends. I have known them a long time and I trust them. A word that is so important in my world and always will be. I’m pretty trusting and open with many but only showing the whole version to a few. And I trust them because I know they have my back, they care about me and they won’t hurt me.
And they never ever let me down. Ever!!! I feel completely safe with them. And I love them right back.
Only recently in the last couple of years did I add to that handful with a couple of new people One of them I knew immediately I would be safe with. She has qualities that I look for in a friend. Intelligent, funny, cool, creative, sensitive, fearless, kind and completely bloody genuine. And absolutely I feel totally easy to be me with her. Feel really lucky to have met her because she is not just fair weather. She will ride along with you in sunshine but also in what ever storms or rain might swirl around.
But as calm sunny days have always been more my norm I don’t need to worry about it.. I just know that when a moment comes I can rely on her and that of course is totally reciprocated.
See you in Marrakesh.
The other one was always more of a risk. Don’t get me wrong, the perfect friend for most people, it’s why she has so many,, loved by all, but not necessarily a match for me. And unlike me to take risks in close friendship. I think she was quieter and more gentle when I first met her and It always felt like she had been thrown to me by the universe. But then I saw that she was a collector of friends and I usually hold those types at arms length. But this one proved herself. Time and time again in amazing ways. She was something else. Often I flinched or i was rocked by her very different way. And I would question my trust in her. There is a reason I have a particular type of close friend. I know where I am with them. But despite being stung several times I persevered. Perhaps I was trying to prove to myself that I should be more trusting of others and this friend allowed me to test that. And test and test I did and each time she met the challenge until I reached a point of completely trusting her. Letting all my guards down and being completely open with her. It felt pretty amazing. I mean she infuriated me and made me crazy with her strange ways that I just didn’t understand and sometimes she hurt me but I always told myself that it was just the way she was and that she didn’t do it intentionally. I’m a very sensitive soul and I try to make allowances for my strange ways.
But just when I was feeling so easy in it, completely out of nowhere and with zero care she just threw a line at me which completely obliterated all the trust that had been built. In that moment I was left feeling completely stupid. Like the biggest sappy idiot. Or as we say where I come from “mugged off”
Having left myself open with no protections all of my “happy drifting” was wiped out in their complete indifference.
I felt shocked at first, what? , then I felt furious.. completely out of character I gave it to her all guns blazing.. I can’t remember ever delivering such a tirade, not even to P.
Yesterday I felt completely squashed. Small, insignificant, weak and totally naively stupid. It made me cry at how stupid I was.
And today in the beautiful sunshine I just felt very sad.
As much as I try not to care it is obviously too late. I let them in.
And I’m not just squashed because of what was said but how and when it was delivered and what lay behind that. And that now impacts on future friendships that feel less likely to happen as I won’t be taking that risk again. Silly dreamy magic girl.
There is a strange thing in counselling which Is like a get out of jail free card. It says that no one can make you feel a certain way only you allow it.
That theory has probably served me quite well at times. I’m only being me. Until I remember that I still have to be responsible for my actions and how they might affect another person. Because that’s just being a decent and kind human. But that theory provides a lot of license to be exactly as you like and say I can’t be responsible for your response.
I was responsible for my tirade. It came from hurt but it doesn’t excuse my choice of words.
Valuing myself .. yes I do but I’m not sure I can without thinking of others. That feels pretty selfish. And I have no wish to be that. I hold no value in selfishness.
And when I think of it the other way round.. why would I ever care or love another person if they can treat me exactly as they please and when it upsets me, I am responsible? Responsible for what.. being open loving and caring?
I have to say that on the back of feeling so sad when the sun was shining and thinking that said friend will probably be partying it up somewhere, it makes me want to live a life with indifference. Nothing will ever hurt me then and I will be totally safe.
But In knowing someone who has been the ultimate person of indifference through the whole of my life, and having worked hard to finally accept that there was no point in wasting my love on someone with zero capability of loving anyone else more than himself, it allowed me to leave him in my past. And I sure as hell don’t want to be like him.
There is a reason I was given a bigger heart.
Indifference may provide a vehicle to move along in life without a care in the world but Im pretty sure there has to be some price to it? Even if it is not easily evident.
The price of Love .. well I’m certainly paying for that right now but eventually I will move along and with a lot more care.