Blimey!!! Talk about shake up your world.
Last night I slept in my dreamy penthouse, the place of relaxing candle lit bath times, quiet magical thoughts and dancing and tunes… always tunes.
Only last night I turned into my nan checking and double checking the door. Gate locked.. door bolted and double locked and light on outsides.. like I was Al Capone locking myself into Alcatraz.
It was my first night back having spent the weekend feeling safer elsewhere.
In the early hours of Saturday morning I was rudely awoken by men trying to break into my home. And not discreetly. Battering the shit out of my security gate. First of all I thought I was imagining it. In a daze I thought it was throwing out time at the pub next door. But then I realised that in fact it was my gate and the way they were going at it I didn’t get a sense that they would have a friendly convo and apologise for the disturbance if they made it in. They certainly didn’t care a less for my fear. And blind fear it was that froze me to the spot and took away all of my limited rationality from my mind. I just pulled the duvet over my head and with eyes wide open pretended it was not happening. In all the ways I could have reacted in that moment I chose freeze. I curled up like a small child and became invisible. When it all went quiet I laid there forever wondering whether they were in or not. Deep down I knew they weren’t but I lay there listening to every sound. Only one way in and one way out and nowhere to hide other than under my duvet. So there I stayed until finally I drifted off to sleep. The next day I went downstairs to check on the damage. One broken security gate but a door that I later found out could protect the Crown Jewels. My landlady’s obsession with security suddenly was very gratefully accepted.
It’s so strange how life takes you to these moments when other moments surrounding it leave you thinking about things beyond what happened.
Safety being the word.
When I went to work that morning I was never less present although I believe my clients each individually offered something to me in their chat. Of course all my rationality became complete visible in their needs and they all left pretty happily as though none the wiser in my half baked offering.
I on the other hand went home completely exhausted and sad and feeling all I wanted was to be cuddled.
I often get described as childlike as opposed to childish but never was that more evident than on Saturday when I just wanted to feel safe and protected.
I mentioned in my blog last week about feeling unsafe in a different way. In a close friendship where I thought someone was indifferent to hurting me. In that case I was ready to do my usual cut and run rather than face it. Turns out that fear was all in my head too, but It’s one thing being hugely aware and a whole different story changing it. I’m learning, slowly.
At this point I’ve just broken into a huge smile. Out of nowhere on the tube JH hitting me on the head with his paper. He’s not one of my closest, he’s L’s closest but I like him a lot. He always calls me Princess and we have a shared love of Stella Street and Father Ted and he can tell a story that goes on for about an hour, true to his Irish roots and pulled from the magical vaults of his memory and usually with some reference to his many years of loving The Arsenal. We have that in common too. As my bros would say.. it’s in your blood girl. He is the sort of fella that will make you smile on a rainy day. And he did, in that tiny moment just as he got off. Little things make me happy.
I am now picking this up again as I’m writing on my way home. I have that same phrase “Little things make me happy” ringing out to me. Following on from my brief encounter with JH my girl called me not long after and made me laugh with her description of her first driving lesson. The proper normal bloke who was teaching her to drive were her words. He has loads of patience she said. Really helpful and calm as she laughed and screamed her way through her lesson like a mini scene from Clueless. “I was so scared” she said. “Thank gawd he has control of the other pedals. I didn’t know how fast it went if you put your foot down on the accelerator”
Bloody hell. She’s gonna be sharing my car. Take your time. No rush to pass.
Words singing to me as my phone pinged to a beautiful message from a closee who had been brave with her thoughts and had gone for it. I put my arms in the air. I loved what this represented and never have I wished so hard inside. There are deservers and then there are DESERVERS.. she being the latter. Come on universe. Show me your best.
Wishing wishing wishing.
And then finally a surprisingly unexpected visit from someone who never ceases to surprise me. For some reason they make it impossible for me to follow my pattern of cut and run and I find myself trying to resolve. And I feel like I’m getting better at it. Perhaps because I can just be honest. And I like the feeling of not having to start all over again in favour of just start a new day.
I don’t want to hold this friend at arms length because they make me happy in a million ways and I couldn’t imagine life without them in it anymore. I felt it for a moment and I didn’t like it.
And that feeling of resolving not running is sitting with me right now, trying to build some deeper foundations but this feels like a change worth digging a little deeper and working a little harder for.
But even with all this, the past ten days has definitely dented my confidence. I could feel it when i first got on the tube tonight before I started writing. Not so anyone would notice but I knew. I could feel it. I just felt like less.
And yet there was so much around me today that inspired me to think. And I love to think. It’s what makes me tick. Like the tin man I really do have a brain and I like using it. It’s what brings me out of dreamy into real. Stimulated by more. And I don’t mean high brow books or museum facts. I mean more. I can sleep through so much and create a whole world in my head but to draw me out I need something to capture my mind beyond the price of milk. To really make it delve into the recesses of what I’ve learnt already and share it, challenge it or reshape it. And I was given that today.
Completely got lost somewhere else in that from thinking about
Feeling safe.. safe in my home, safe to care, safe to say what I think and safe to be just as I am, whatever that is.
I think this might be one of my most random posts but maybe that reflects just where I am right now. A little all over the place, a little unsettled, a little less confident but completely open to something?