I thought this morning that I would love to be sitting in a beach hut next to the sea just thinking and writing. I have so much swirling around and building up into a tsunami that feels like it is about to sweep across and completely change the shape of my landscape.
And I’m trying to catch a wave and ride it but I can’t quite jump on it because there are waves crashing into each other as though part of the same force of movement that is grabbing hold of me right now.
It feels like a giant puzzle that I am trying to fit together fast but is so big that Im trying to fit it together without knowing what the picture is. And it feels so powerful that I want to freeze life for a moment so I can concentrate on it. I’m struggling to concentrate in anything else in fact. Going through the motions of lots of stuff with my brain ticking away like the enigma decoding all the messages that mean something but I can’t quite unlock yet. But when I do it feels like there is something more that I can’t quite grab hold of yet.
Yesterday I felt one of those waves. And that wave felt like it was disconnecting me from a group that I love. Not individuals, a group.
I have struggled with this for weeks because of an upcoming reunion that I don’t know if I want to go to.
It feels complicated and tangled in my mind. There is a lot of stuff thrown in the mix and I’m not sure I’ll know whether I want to go until I get to it. Plus I’ll be travelling back from Nice that morning and I’ll be on no sleep and having to travel elsewhere out of London. So Not sure if it’s practical anyways which in some ways feels helpful because it might make the choice for me.
But I’m torn between missing out on seeing people I really love and wanting to preserve what that group and time represented for me and the disappointment in it being lesser than what I have captured in my memory.
On the last day I felt so sad. Really sad. Because I knew I would feel like this. I know how I’m made and this feeling was inevitable. It’s why I felt that last day so much.
I went to F’ys leaving do about 2 or 3 weeks ago. Working there was such a magical time for me. I had so much fun. The 2 friends I made there have ended up being my closest. But I felt so removed from what surrounded it. People happy to see me and chat to me and find out where I’m at, but I felt very disconnected from it. I can’t describe it but I know what I mean.
It’s all about Near or Far. There isn’t much in between for me. The inbetween is more of a show. It is a dance I do with strangers every day. Like the friendliest person in the world. I can connect to a plank of wood on some level but slide off it.
Closeness, real connection is where it all happens for me. Without it I’m going through the motions. It’s easy, safe and incredibly common. Perfect for fun nights out when I can escape the small talk and just get lost in music and dancing but I want and need more. It satisfies a need to have fun, chat, be with others but beyond that it leaves a wide gaping hole. The hole of substance.
In that room I was looking for it. And I found it especially in the ones who were willing to give up a little more. And that was pure magic. It made me dizzy with excitement in seeing beyond the niceties of life and finding something more. Beyond the insipid chat that I generally zone out of. What’s in your heart. That’s what I want to see and know. What really makes you tick. Who are you beyond what works nicely in the confines of living in this mechanical world. If you show me your child I’m getting a little closer and I’m hooked. And like a dog with a bone. Holding on to it with all my strength to see a little more. Let me see it because it’s the part that is exciting and will set my world on fire and light it up.
There’s the adventure. Maybe what I find might scare me but I don’t really want to live a life of comfortable. I like being on my toes because I’m awake. Who wants to sleep through life? I want to see it all.
So why having found it in that room within that group am I so reluctant to reengage in it.
Because I know it won’t exist. It will now be another version which will look like the rest. And I don’t want to be left with that feeling. Like seeing a corpse of someone you loved once and now it’s just an empty shell of what magic once lived there.
It was always beyond an experience or making new and interesting friends for me. In that moment it was like a crazy, colourful, unique and dysfunctional family that I loved. I proper loved them.Every time I saw them stripped back a little more it made me love them more. You have to have a good eye to see what sits beyond what’s being put out. I have a two good eyes and I saw a lot. And it was special. Beautiful.
And on that last day I knew it was gone. It would be replaced by a new updated version which looks beautiful but has lost all its character. And I loved its character. That was what made it so special for me in that moment.
And somewhere in that, in all my strange and different ways that often sit on the periphery of these things, I fitted without fitting . Fitted within the dysfunctional beauty of what that was. And I loved it. So much that I want to preserve it. Individuals I can evolve with, but the big group as a whole, I know I need to let it go.
How hard it feels to let go of something so wonderful. I properly loved that time with you all and together you were incredibly beautiful.
Thankyou my beautiful angels ❤️