Something

What a very strange life this is. From reaching my lowest point this morning in the most significant ending of my life I found my way back to the very beginning. Or more correctly, I was found. By the person who searched for me in all my favourite spots in the hope of finding me.
And find me he finally did. In the forest where I feel safe.
In all of the last 20 months I have managed to keep going. This morning I just could not. And I messaged my boss to say so. As the superhero he is, his words to me were “just you take care of yourself”
As I got in the car I didn’t know where I was going. I felt completely distraught that the dream I once lived had ended. Only as I wrote about it did I realise just how much that meant to me.
As endings go this was the worst one ever because LOVE should be enough. If it isn’t then what the hell are we all doing?
As he walked up to me we both cried. Shared tears that were so sorrowful in the realisation of what we had thrown away. An epic fuck up of the highest standards but perhaps it needed to be so epic to realise and see the specialness of what had been lost and what was still there.
His words were ground shakingly incredible .. we have the power to make life whatever we want it to be. No rules. I don’t care what it is as long as you are in it with me. I love you in everything you are. You make me feel like the world could be ours.
And those words needed to be said to me in exactly that moment when I had completely given up hope.
I have never felt so exhausted in reaching the end of something only to find myself right back at the beginning.
And the fear that had engulfed me in trying to resolve, disappeared in a second. Because there was nothing surrounding it anymore. It had finished and played out in every single way. We had reached the end and were walking away to start new chapters.
And I felt brave enough to do that to try and find the happiness I think I deserve
But…
In that magical moment I knew that he really loved me and that I still loved him back. And all the hurt and fear floated away.

To start again from scratch with no expectations other than to refind our happiness.. well that’s a dream I can buy in to. I don’t need a thing other than to feel free and to be loved in all that I am.
And in that moment he gave me the assurance of both.
And I felt like we were again the boy and girl that met when we were twenty. And I trusted him.

All the pain from all those months suddenly felt worth it in the pursuit of change. No longer fitting to expectations but talks of  travels and new adventures as we always had, before life had swirled around us with struggles and heartache. Life can be tough and test even the strongest of love. And yet there we were, still standing in that forest together.

And suddenly out of absolutely nowhere like a dream that even I didn’t believe in, I found my happiness in a place of familiarity. And it felt new but also beautifully reminiscent of a time when anything was possible.

I had felt something bigger than me but when I said “something” I certainly was not expecting that.

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