I have been mourning a loss. I have been in that for a while but more recently has felt more difficult and turbulent again due to reaching the finality of it.
It is difficult to describe.
Half a lifetime of happiness.. Gone. In a moment.
In the course of trying to find myself and be more I destroyed the thing that had made me feel the safest and happiest in life. That feels very sad and I’m not sure I will ever forgive myself for that.
The good and happy memories of course are still there. Very vivid and beautiful. The lesser so are fading gradually due to a kinder hand of friendship although they have permanently scarred my heart and those scars will remind me of the naive and caring girl. It has left me with such a deep rooted sadness in my heart in having not been able to fix something which was once upon a time so very perfect.
Despite my attempts at trying to find a way of fitting, of compromising who I am, I was unable to be what was required. I wish it would have been enough to just be me.
To be told you are loved a million times and more but you have to fit into this box, had eventually left me feeling like I didn’t fit anywhere.
But now I have to let go. I come out of the other side with love and care still being present and that feels like a massive achievement in itself.
I have felt all of this previously but there is something in the finality of the longest story of my life, that has taken me back to those moments.
The realisation of a brand new chapter starting is leaving me with many feelings including one I haven’t had previously. Thankfulness. Thankful that I managed to find a way to keep going and find happiness within that, Thankful for all the wonderful times that were part of that story, Thankful for the beautiful girl we created, Thankful for having been loved, Thankful to the people that were there for me in my darkest moments.
To start a brand new chapter feels scary.
I have been told many times recently that I am strong. Yes I have strength but beneath that is someone who questions whether she is tough enough for the reality of this world where it is totally about the survival of the fittest.
I am not the fittest. Not by any stretch. I am a gentle and sensitive soul, who can be a little chaotic at times but who always tries her best to be kind. Is that enough?
I am finding that the domino effect of an ending is making me make choices of what and who will accompany me into the next chapters.
I want to start as I mean to go on. With the lightness of a red rucksack 🎒 with the people who matter to me most but equally that I matter to them.
Do I matter to anyone? Well my girl and my mum. That feels like a good starting point.
I never saw myself being in this place. It was never part of my master plan. Not that I ever really had a plan. I was just always swept along in life by love.
But sometimes love alone just isn’t enough. What a sad thing that is for me to say.
I know I will be ok. I hope that I have people who care about me enough to appear in my future chapters. I don’t want to live life in isolation.
I cried myself to sleep last night only to wake to a new day. I don’t know what that looks like yet but I hope for the best.
But I know how to be alone and be happy in that. And if I have learnt anything, it is that my heart is what makes me who I am.
I know that I am a good person who loves others.

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