I am in a very interesting place right now. Sometimes I am so inspired by something it takes me to brand new places of thought which in this case I am finding very amusingly lovely because it is challenging me to think about myself beyond the confines of the box that most people fit me into.
The good girl. The kind and loving girl who makes you feel safe.
I hope I am that. I think I am and I like it. I feel at home and safe in that too and I have no interest in creating a character as suggested in the book that R showed me earlier in the week. She is the sweet girl at work whose boyfriend is being a knob and she has been accused of being too nice. So she is now reading “why men prefer bitches”.
Lots of game playing and manipulation that feels less about assertiveness and more about changing yourself in order to keep the attention of a fella.
If ever there was a book that would coin the phrase “who says romance is dead” that would be it.
If that is what it apparently takes to attract and keep a man then frankly you can keep it. It sounded exhausting and lacking in any fun or dreamy magic. Totally not for me.
But then yesterday my care along with my curiosity challenged me to bring something more. And bring it I did in a way that surprised even myself, despite the fact that I know what else lies beyond the good girl persona if you manage to reach her at a most intimate level.
I challenged myself in order to challenge them. I practically created the two versions of what they were talking about. The good girl and the bad girl, both at play in trying to see beyond the headache inducing aftershave.
And I won’t lie, it was a little fun. And I was surprised at just how comfortable I felt in being both.
Did it achieve anything? Yes I think so. In trying to create something where both can be found in one. An interesting concept for a mind where the two versions are completely split. Safety and Excitement.
My learning for myself was in thinking how these two sides coexist together within me. I have been thinking about how much I like them both but to what extent I reveal each side.
Like a Wonder Woman/Harley Quinn mash up when I superhero them up. The good and the bad. But which one is which. There is good in the bad and vice versa. They make me whole.
So I find myself entering a world that I would not usually take myself into. Can’t help feeling like I’m going to spend some weeks living inside a porn movie which makes me chuckle having referred to myself as a porncess only a couple of weeks ago.
Who said, life takes you down roads that you are meant to travel? And whilst I am actually feeling very safe on this road I am also equally as excited in seeing the view. Because I know I am going to learn a lot.
That’s where my excitement lies and sometimes it means taking a few risks.
Harley I need you!