Something has unsettled me this morning as I wander along dreamily thinking about lots of different things but with two big areas that are in my mind.
And in my absence of taking in my surroundings Ive got lost in the woods. Literally! Having said the other day that I know my way.to my favourite new spot,  I took a slight detour and just cant find it and not only that, I also cant find my way back and a feeling of uneasiness has come over me. It’s Tuesday morning and there is no one much about and no one one knows where I am.
What was I thinking about to find myself searching for the right path? So I’ve stopped to write it down so I can focus on finding my way.
Pleasure and pain.
Sex and money.
Two things that have been on my mind In very different ways.
I remember about two years ago, having conversations on this at a residential where my tutor at the time brought these topics up as most peoples difficult areas of discussion. And it popped into my mind whilst pulling at a number of threads.
Sex. The pleasure. Sometimes I think I’m like a teenage boy. I can dream about it all day long. It’s freedom in itself. It can take you to places and beyond and there is such perfect happiness in that. For me it has always been about being with someone I love. Another beautiful show of affection in such closeness and intimacy. There was a freeness in that. It removed every inhibition or insecurity which allowed it to be erotic and fun and playful and loving and warm and close. It was learning together in understanding and satisfying both your needs and desires and experimenting. I guess that says a lot about who I am as a person if you know me well enough. And it is always about give and take in my world.
I don’t have any experience of sex without love. Well you know, I thought It was love at the time. No one night stands or holiday flings.
Nope! That must sound crazy and naive.
So when I try to imagine what that looks like it always appears in my mind to be more of an exercise in seeking your own pleasure? I guess if you have no other connection than physical then why would you care about what the other person feels in it. Self gratification on every level. But I don’t know. I’m just guessing.
And that feels like a huge difference for me. But I have always loved it so I guess I’m gonna have to figure this one out otherwise I will be a very frustrated girl in life despite all the wondrous help on the shelf. I’m not pure but maybe just pure of heart.
I’m not normally a one for talking about sex. Im surprising myself at quite how easy it is to write. We all enjoy it. It’s not like it’s a big unknown mystery.
But In real life I’m actually very shy, no not shy, private and discreet, in sharing the very intimate secrets of my own world so I’m stepping out of my comfort in the interests of showing all sides by saying just a little.
But I have absolutely no problems in listening to someone else. I never feel embarrassed. It can be such a beautiful and wonderful thing that provides maximum pleasure with no cost other than giving yourself willingly to it. So actually I quite like listening to others talk about what it looks like for them. I find it so interesting and funny and amazing.
I always remember at said residential that there was an uncomfortable feeling in the room when one of my favourites was talking about it in her easy and straightforward way. I always remember chuckling inside at the reaction in the room which wasn’t spoken but could so obviously be felt in the air. Their uncomfortability was probably exactly the same as mine in
Money. The pain. Here lies my difficulty in both talking about and listening to talks of money. Where to start.
Ok so this is in my mind as I am currently waiting for money that I will receive from my flat. Not a huge amount. I have never been rich and although I had some security, money was never a driver in my world. Life was always about living and not what I had. I didn’t care And what I had was very modest but I was always very happy in that. Never even thinking of upgrading to more. We had what we needed and that was always enough for me. Amazing how the pursuit of money can have such an impact on simple happiness. Come the time of working out how to split that, the pain kicked in beyond anything I could have imagined. Not in the way you might think. The battle for what is mine. No. More of a battle in how to talk about it, not wanting to ask for too much and frankly avoidance to the point that if I could have lived on the currency of smiles alone then that would have made me very happy.
But life and more specifically a roof over your head doesn’t run on smiles so we had to go through that process and it was painstakingly excruciating.
If ever I think of myself as a non risk taker I only have to think of myself making a choice for happiness and freedom over security which in my avoidance left me hanging off a cliff by a fingernail. Yes I am certainly willing to take a risk in following my heart but ask me to talk about money and I curl up in a ball with my hand over my ears. La la la la la.
In fact in avoiding the details for so long and now waiting for said funds to come to me I have woken every morning this week to check to see whether I in fact have a single penny in my account. I had used every single option at my disposal to keep me going until I completely ran out. Completely!!!
I have spent the last week scratching about for every last penny which will help me to survive until this money comes through. It’s touch and go which is even more hilarious when I’m about to embark on a trip to Nice/Monte Carlo. I’m half tempted to put what little I have on number 19 and go down in a blaze of glory.
I never grew up with money. Having no money for me equates to bitter winter but we can’t put the heating on so wear your jumble sale layers, moving money from here to there and back again to pay bills, all us kids working with mum to pull the wires out of thousands of no idea what they are and continually counting up the pennies jar for food shopping. That 2’s and 1p’s jar was a life saver how can they think of scrapping them.
And a cleaning job, well that was a right of passage.
It was really tough for my mum. She used to worry all the time about it. She had all different jobs but worked as a waitress in the restaurant down the road all the time. The man that owned it loved her. Because I think he found her warm and kind and lovely and his wife was by all accounts a bit of a battleaxe.. He gave extra shifts to help her and then had her running the bar and eventually she took over writing the Menus because she had beautiful Hand writing with alot of style. She had so many little hidden talents that the world didn’t see. When they were busy she would bring me and my sister in and we would carry up the roast dinners and clear the plates. I would watch my sweet and quiet mum (at the time)  come alive as she worked the crowd when serving drinks and taking orders. How did my dad not see that? why did she hide that in the school playground? I always knew she was more than she showed but in those moments I loved seeing it and the tips used to roll in because the punters loved seeing it too.
She always went without. I don’t remember her ever having anything nice when we were kids. Only after I left home and and she finally got rid of controlling and crazy husband number 2 did she finally start to get a little more of what she deserved. It’s why it makes me so happy now when she trots off on another cruise with her boyfriend. The sweetheart she met in her sixties.
Who says it all happens in your twenties?!
I went off on a bit of a tangent a bit like in the forest but it is all related.
So back to money. When I think of sex and what turns me on, Money is the opposite of that. The ultimate turn off.
I have known a lot of girls who are swayed by the colour of a pound note. Sex and money.
A really good friend of mine has a beautiful girl living with him. He has a lot of money. When he was younger he was a good looking fella and girls liked him. As he got older less and less and then he stopped taking care of himself and became cynical about women thinking that they would only want to take his money. He is very lonely. This girl lives there rent free and services him on the odd occasion, usually when he starts to question why she is living there.
He takes her to nice restaurants and buys her shoes. She is unquestionably using him. He knows it. She brings other blokes there sometimes. But in his loneliness he doesn’t care and I guess he is using her too for company without making a commitment of her taking all his money. I chatted to her at a barby once. She was as cold and cynical as they come.
She told me that I needed to ask for what I wanted rather than settling for normal. Get what you can. We are all made differently but I just wasn’t feeling it.

Money always seems to be about wanting to show off. I told my friend the phrase I grew up with. One of many. “If you love a pound note more than people you will find yourself surrounded by people who love a pound note more than you”

Me and money are just not a good combo and as fast as I have it I can spend it. Perhaps it’s so I will never be rich.
But the ones who have nothing always seem the most generous What they give might not look much but if they have it they would willingly give it to you. What’s the point of having anything if you don’t share it.
But all this still doesn’t explain my pain in talking about it or feeling incredibly bored when people tell me what they have. Never jealousy just a complete indifference to what they are sharing.
My only assumption is that in seeing someone take everything from those that had loved him, he left them with a very warped view of what money represents. Selfish, greedy, uncaring, shallow and full of their own sense of being better..
And as I want to be none of those my pain in money continues until I am able to find a healthier view of what it is. unless perhaps I’m right. Although there are people in the world who have money and want to do good with it. I like that.

Wow even writing about money felt painful and I know I will hold this for a bit till I feel able to post it. But I’m thinking that maybe if I put my thoughts about money out there, maybe it might make me feel a little easier to think and talk on it some more We will see.

But In the meantime I will carry on juggling those pennies. Where there’s a willl.. and of course dreaming of those beautiful free pleasures in life.

Finally found a path to somewhere familiar which feels good but while I’m in this uncomfortable feeling, fuck it let’s just post it.
I mean it’s only sex and money 😊

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