Not one of my best weeks since returning from my trip.
I had been so happy in that and that happiness had made me make a definitive decision when I realised that I didn’t want to put myself back in a place where I might feel insecure and anxious when I returned.
It made me sad because I had so loved what it represented in so many ways and it had given me so much happiness and joy.
But in amongst that and the crazy chaos and sadness that I had boxed up in order to function and survive it, there were also the feelings of paranoia and worry that had been sparked when I had gone out one night.
I felt the same awkwardness that I had as a kid and was very aware of something that I couldn’t put my finger on but I knew was something.
I was left thinking it all was in my own head and like I was some kind of crazy nutter and my previous openness started to feel a little compromised in wondering what was wrong with me.
I was just being myself which was pretty all over the place sometimes. There were a lot of big things swirling around me.
But it was all very real.
I didn’t have the energy for it to be anything pretend.
My very special friend was the closest witness of what that looked like for me during and after it finished.
They certainly have taken the brunt of my loss of trust in so much. Its a wonder they are still my friend. I had thought I had finally found a perfect place of trust. I was really happy in that. I could just be me in all my warm, open and caring way. I could just love as I do and It felt wonderful. I was finally free to just be as I am without fear of it being questioned.
But the reemergence of that time caused me to find myself back in paranoia and mistrust. And I felt it even without going.
And then was further fuelled by realising that what I had believed was all in my own head and my imagination had in fact been exactly what I had thought. And it upset me so much.
Why? Because I was so very vulnerable during that period. And all I really needed from people was some love in the same genuine way I gave it out. And I think in the main when I try to be logical I absolutely saw and felt that. And I love them so much for that.
But I also felt from some a non belief in it and perhaps that is because they have never really felt it. The real stuff. The warm and mushy stuff. The stuff that doesn’t care about reason, sense, correctness, practicalities or appearances. I know and feel that sort of love and it is like an explosion of uncontrollable emotion.
And when it is wonderful it makes you happier than you could ever imagine. As though you are flying in the clouds spinning and soaring and diving. And when it is not it can send you crashing to the ground with the greatest force that you think you may never recover.
It’s a few days after and once again I am looking to close that lid. I bumped into J yesterday. It was really lovely to see him and get a hug. I think he was disappointed in me that I hadn’t made the effort to join in. Like I didn’t care. I so care J ❤️
I found myself trying to unravel it with someone who knows how these things can crush my heart, when for others it would roll off them. He sees all the different parts of who I am even if he doesn’t always understand them very well.
He knows what it looks like to hurt me and also to be hurt but equally he knows what is to really love in the way I do. In all our chaos in every stage of what our horrendous epic mess has looked like he still says to me M you are the only girl in the world for me. And I know that to be true. And in all the hurt and the changes and the freedom I just have not been able to reconnect to that. It was lost. The beautiful and rare magic had vanished.
But In being made to once again feel like the outsider, the misfit I was reminded that there was someone who truly loved me beyond any reason. I knew that but I have just been unable to feel it.
When I ask him why yesterday he simply said “because you are M”.
Inside my head Butler Perry