A New York State of mind

I remember the first time I spoke to him.
“Ello.. composite accounts”.
3 words and I was hooked. In a business world full of posh people, I think we practically burrowed through the underground to find each other. Well just the telephone line but it was like walking over the border in to downtoearthville. A place I knew so much better.
At the time I was dating a Spanish fella P. It wasn’t serious. He had told me several times I was too free spirited for him. I don’t think either of us were looking for the love of our life in that moment. Well I certainly wasn’t but he was a nice enough fella. I remember he got annoyed because a friend of mine C used to take me to lunch and invite me round his for dinner a lot. He wasn’t really my type neither but he made me laugh with his northern humour. And he was fun to be around and then there was also my highly educated and well spoken boss who was 10 years older who liked me because he said I was sweet and used to remind people that I had slept in his bed.
Yep that was after one of those weird sports days when everyone got completely drunk and couldn’t get home.
He let both S and I stay at his house in his bed and spent to next god knows how long telling everyone we had a threesome. You wouldn’t get away with that now. He had such little posh boy charm and cheekiness that we just used to roll our eyes and laugh.
I’m surprised he never became prime minister.
He is one of those rare few I would be interested to know what happened to.
Totally Hugh grants bad boy in Bridget Jones. Completely harmless and again he just made me laugh. I certainly never slept with him though, despite his completely inappropriate efforts.
So there I was. The shy and naively sweet blonde of 20 who had a sense of humour and giggled her way through
a year of happiness in being back in the garage, young carefree and single.
Relationship … no ta! Kissing a boy in Dublin and dancing in Greece was where i was at right then and I was very happy Thankyou.
But.. who is composite boy.
That’s “Cor blimey” I was told. P was his actual name but nicknamed as though he was a character from only fools. He was a bit of a rare celeb in his world. Apparently everyone liked him. A novelty for the different types around him and he knew how to play to that whilst concealing a huge amount of clever.

My best friend S was very good friends with one of his mates and said she could arrange a meet. But I was very happy with a once a week convo on the phone where we would chat for way more time than required and quickly do the composite transaction in ten seconds at the end just before the deadline. Nearly missed that a few times.
I liked his easiness. Like the girl and boy next door. He was proper funny but there was nothing cocky about him. Just friendly and cheeky and genuine. And he always called me M. Never the shortened version that others used.
And then I swapped jobs and no longer had a need to speak to him. My friend S took over and I heard her laughing at that same time each week and thought, that’s just the way he is. Nothing special about me. Just what he does.
And I forgot about him.
Christmas came along which also meant a wide range of nights out and parties. Boys trying their luck but I was still half heartedly dating Spanish P and call me old fashioned but I was always very loyal and good.
On Christmas Eve I went after work to the pub with all my work lot. Spanish P was there too but chatting with some other girl who was madly in love with him. Everyone knew. I wasn’t fussed. It looked like a very good and easy out to me.
I left him to it and went to the bar to get a drink.
Hello M Merry Christmas.. I knew that friendly cheeky voice but not the face. And I smiled and he smiled back. He wanted to buy me a drink but I politely declined. I was getting a round for my friends. I’ll get it he said but again I politely said no thanks. I’m here with someone I said.
He’s not the boy for you he replied.
I felt shy and embarrassed.
Yes my kinda boyfriend was lost in convo with another girl and even though I didn’t care I guess I must have looked a bit stupid. But still, I didn’t want to jump on the same bandwagon.
We had a chat at the bar and he said he was out with his friends later.
And that was that and I said goodbye. But I smiled so much as I walked away. Rarely do people look like you imagine them. He did and I liked it. There was nothing flash about him in his navy pinstripe suit which he wore with an air of different. A normal kid like me floating around in a world we didn’t quite belong in but we looked the part, never realising that behind that we were so much more. That down to earth real that money can’t buy but is 18 carot genuine.
Christmas came and went in a magical way that I had remembered it before that problem episode that had fucked me right up. Untrusting and wary were my middle names and for all the attention that came my way after, I had very little interest in being anyone’s.
I swore to never fall in love again. Too many experiences of arseholes through my life even at that early age. I had finally realised that just me was where it was at. I would flirt and date without any commitment but a boyfriend I did not need.
The first time I remember seeing P again was one lunchtime with my friend S who had left my place and was now working with him. She was beautiful and loud and confident and everything I was not . Next to her I looked like a little mouse. When I arrived she was there with P in that same pin striped suit and another P who was the male equivalent of my friend. The 3 of them bantered together while I looked on and laughed. Not really offering that much until P asked me something, I can’t remember what and I threw back a cheeky one liner that really made him laugh. It was like in that second he saw beyond my quiet and shy as though he already knew that it was there. He made me feel comfortable as though I was part of it, and not just part of it but the best bit. He asked if I would be back another day but I said I was usually busy so maybe at some point.
A few weeks later I had a night out planned with my girlfriends. One by one in true girlfriend style they all blew out with some lame excuse that otherwise translated as a better night with some fella. Just me and S then. My job was super busy. I was always working late because of the international time differences and on this occasion a large sum of money had gone missing and it was my job to find it. Phone calls with my mate G in NYC. He loved me and I loved him. He had the best laugh ever. I remember telling him when I went to NYC to meet him that I thought he would look like Danny Glover from the Leathal Weapon films. He looked nothing like that but his voice was deep and like  honey and I could listen to his accent all day. It made him laugh even more. He was actually a little more Ice Cube and he thought I was his hilarious little friend from London. On my own I had so much more confidence. He had taken me out with all his friends and described me as his London client as though I was the CEO of our bank rather than in reality just another lowly clerk but with a pretty cool job in that moment. I laugh now as I had such a little baby face. I must have looked so young and I was under age for US bars but i was served anyways because I was with him and all his cool mates. There are moments in life where you wonder how the hell you got there. This was soooo one of those moments. They had a hoop in the pub and I was drunkenly playing G having told him I was the best netball player ever when I was at school. I remember him just laughing and laughing every time I spoke. Completely different worlds but we just fitted in a perfectly wonderful way. Eventually when I was completely wasted G stuck me in a cab and sent me back to my hotel. Fucking awesome!!!
The next time I saw him on another trip and another drunken night I told him that it was one of my most favourite moments ever and he said it was the same for him. He said he didn’t know anyone else like me and I didn’t know any other Danny Glover/Ice Cubes. What a guy G was. I dearly miss him.

And I was never more the girl that I have always been and still am as I was in that moment.

Anyways before I feel sad, after that first trip he was my bestie and would always help me. And on this evening he was on fire getting it all sorted.

I told S I would be able to make it but I would be coming a bit late and to wait for me. She said it wasn’t a problem as another friend was going to keep her company till I got there.
And got there I did… eventually and found S sitting there chatting to P.

Hello M he said, nice to see ya again. I won’t get in the way of your girls night.. I’m off to watch the boxing..

He never went to the boxing.

Why am I telling this story. Something in me has switched. I feel more able to look at my past with happiness rather than sadness and that is helping me to move into my future with lots of excitement and optimism. I have had a life. A magical one full of so much. Some of that past was so shit. I spent so much time having to trawl through that to find myself. But more so there has been some really amazing happiness. And it belonged to me, is part of me and has made me evolve into who I am today. I am so grateful and feel so lucky for every single one of those wonderful moments. I would not be who I am now without them.
The future is unscripted but I have the ability to make it something incredible. My past tells me that. Perhaps I am little older than the 20 year old blonde of those days but I’m still the same girl with a whole array of qualities and gifts that can make an unknown future, pure and dreamy magic. And I’m so feeling that tonight.
In my New York State of mind I’m absolutely feeling like
I have the whole world at my fingertips.

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