A Good Life

I saw a friend last night. I have been leaving some distance and space in that for a while to allow the ground to settle in both what I have felt before and also in myself.
Gradually I feel more inclined to reengage individually with different people. 1-1 works better for me or even in a small group where the atmosphere is easy going. I feel both safer and more myself in that. At some point I think that I will feel easier in the wider set but not yet. Living life free of judgements is working very well for me and I’m not quite ready to let that boat be rocked. Even after a year it still feels like early days and very easy to find yourself back in that room. I’ll get there when I’m ready if it even exists by then. Time will tell.
But last night I went with an open heart and a want to find a way in that relationship that leaves me feeling the sane when I leave as when I arrived.
And last night I did and that felt, well lovely actually. Not that I’m being complacent. I was quizzed for the first ten minutes in whether I knew about something regarding another friend which had been shared by someone else.
But I was ready and prepared for that and I found myself employing a tried and tested skill that I have developed over many years to combat this very thing.
I played dumb.. I didn’t know what I knew. Maybe it’s the blond hair that makes that believable as opposed to avoidance but in seconds it ended that line of enquiry and allowed us to share our own things. And that felt lovely and easy and fun. The reason I connected with this person in the first place. When we focus on what we are doing as opposed to others there is more joy to be had.
I mean I don’t think I will ever share my deepest thoughts and feelings. I am trusting very much in my sense of those people who are able to hold those safely and securely just as I would do for them. But I only have control over my side of the net. I play the game in the way I wish it to be played with me. I have to have a certain amount of trust in that but also an understanding of those who play a different way and to take that into account. Again my trust in that sixth sense is back and it is serving me well.
So a beautiful night of sharing her new life’s joy, listening to her hopes and dreams and of course a well nice dinner 😊
I’m finding my way slowly in these things.
And it makes me happy.

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