How can someone know what they don’t know. How can you imagine what something different looks like if you have never lived it. You may try but you will never know how it feels. I can never know how that feels for you however many questions I ask, however much I care or however much I want to know.
But it doesn’t stop me trying, or learning or loving you for all I know and all I don’t.
The throw away lines from your own way of life can cut deeply. It gets us all doesn’t it?! ..in ways that another would never know.. not that we say.. they are hidden from view but they sink in and are kept in that deep place of hurtful throwaway lines.
Even when they are not meant, or not said about you. “I mean those people”.. never knowing that those people might somehow fit in your world in some way and although you don’t care much for their views or beliefs the love that you have runs much deeper than that.
You love them beyond what you don’t love. That’s the thing with love. It comes with light and dark
It’s funny how on the one hand we are just who we are but on the other we are part of where we are from. I would like to think that the more I go forward the more I rely less on what has been and more on who I am. What sits right at the heart of me. In fact beyond that. What fills my soul.
The true essence of who I am.
I knew it the day I made the decision see you in the funeral directors.
I remember walking in that room on my own. Looking at this tiny person who had been a huge part of my world and my heart. Someone who had such charisma that she was so unaware of but was so clearly evident to every single person who ever entered her world. Not in that way that makes the ground shake or causes a commotion. Quietly, in the way that really matters. You just had it without doing anything more than being you.
Did you even know just how much I loved you. I adored you. I know you always knew how much I loved.
As I stood there I knew I was looking at an empty shell. This small, broken and cold body that had acted as transport to move you around in this world was no longer required. It was draped in your clothes, with the same colour hair as you and all the same features I loved. But it looked nothing like you. You were gone. You no longer lived there. An empty shell of what it struggled to contain. The very essence of you had flown to somewhere new. Out into the realms of the unknown where the magic is made. Held in the breeze that ruffles my hair or the raindrops that fill my heart with romance. I feel you every now and then but never so strongly as the day I flew with you or when that robin appeared and fluttered around and quietly watched. Yes. I felt you. What were you thinking?
I think you were smiling in my happiness. I think you knew.
You spoke to me in whispers just as you did when you appeared in the moment between awake and asleep as the tears rolled down my face as I lay alone in my garage knowing I would never see you again. You gave me one last secret moment when I needed to hear your voice. Did I imagine it? People would say I did but we know better don’t we. You made me believe in the magic, in dreaming of more, in love.
And in those moments where I’m sad and I feel it has disappeared you send me exactly what I need to believe again.
Lying on my bed in the dark, your tunes are surrounding me tonight and guess who just turned up to keep me company. Little Miss L in search of cookies or love or both. So we are now lying together listening to Ray Charles with a little light coming through the skylight. Love and nice biscuits…
Just the way we always liked it.