The curse of superficiality..
The thing about being surrounded by people and all their troubles is it can wear you out. I was completely worn out by other people’s stuff and having no time for myself or those I really love.
But I danced my night away last night and today I feel differently.
It’s all I need sometimes. I’m human and I so so so want to be a decent one. I have huge amounts of compassion but I’m not limitless. A life of other people’s stuff can really get to me. I have a need to feel light and happy and free and it can grind me down.
Sometimes I find myself apologising in having a reaction to what people say or do. It can upset me. And when I say that I always end up following it up with an apology. Why do I do that? Apologise for feeling upset, for having enough, for having feelings.
I’m always aware of what my actions have on someone else but why is is that others don’t? How rare for anyone to apologise to me. Do they not give a shit? Or is it that I am the only person who gets things wrong?
I don’t get it?
I sometimes i feel like that about my friend. On the one hand I always think they care about me and then other times I question that.
Sometimes it feels like they got so caught up in theory that they lost their compassion.
That was the thing I most liked about them when I first knew them and yet often feels missing these days.
We are the complete opposite and I often think are completely the wrong friends for each other in every possible way.
They can make me sad often in their oblivious way. Which based on the stuff I’ve learnt tells me to remove them from my life. And yet I have this strange connection to them and I care about them so much. What an idiot I must sound.
Actually they are much more matched to their own type. Cynical, privileged and players of the game.
As opposed to loving, emotional and open.
Compassion!!! You can’t learn it on a course! It’s inbuilt and natural and I know exactly what the real version looks like. It’s priceless, under rated and you can’t switch it on and off.
It’s fuelled by emotion.
I find myself wanting to walk away from this friend all the time but like a mug I hang in there thinking that I will be seen for that very thing.
Perhaps my way to them is so much more difficult than the bright lights camera action stuff they so love. And that’s fine. Sometimes people are better fits with some people rather than others. Maybe I’m not the right friend for him.
But here’s a lesson in compassion my friend. That lights camera action stuff is completely superficial…
Real is what I am!
For all my apologies, I’ll never apologise for that. Its worth so much more than the other.
And that’s what makes me a Firework.