The full time counsellor….
I’m starting to find that I am spending a lot of time being a counsellor in day to day. I don’t mind. I like helping people if I can. What’s the point of helping strangers if I can’t help people I know. It can feel a bit topsy turvy building connections with people who have no relation to my life and not being there for the people that do. But it can end up feeling like a full time job.
But what’s the alternative? The reason I became a counsellor was because no one listens to other people in this modern world. Am I gonna become one of them. Only listen If I’m paid to. Not that I am right now. 12 hours a week of free labour. Its taken almost 400 hours to realise that that is something well overdue.
What I realised in the week was that the thing I really love love love the most is moments of frivolity, fun and laughs and trying to make tine for that can feel like a challenge in itself.
Balance balance balance.
A party in the sun on Saturday night feels like a step towards that and something worth looking forward to. I’m so happy in that.
So how did this happen?what is it about me that has encouraged people to talk to me other than the fact they might know I’m a counsellor. But even more, that I find I have very few people who listen to me. My blog is my place to share and say what I’m feeling. Who cares?!
I spent so much time sorting out all my shit, clearing my head and understanding what is right for me and what is absolutely not, that I’m now seeing just how fucked everyone else is. And perhaps they are seeing that I am not and so they don’t need to bother listening to me. But I’m the place to go to hear theirs. I mean things cone up for me of course. With this job and those around me how can they not. And when they do I try to voice them to the person concerned so they don’t hang over me like a grey cloud drowning out my sunshine.
A lot of the big stuff I have totally got to grips with and I feel good. Happy within a happy life that isn’t perfect.
Life is busy and tricky and as one of the not privileged few with a comfortable and secure life who can drift along doing as they please, I have to totally fit my desires around my duties. But I’m pretty much always smiling even if I struggle very much to find any time for those desires.
I’m noticing how much of the precious time I have for me is being lost on others and that I need to claim some it back for myself. But without becoming a person who only cares about myself. I would rather be a giver than a taker but I guess it would be nice to feel that a little more give than take. I’m guessing you relate to that L.
My special and close few always have my ear anyways. It’s a given..even though sometimes like myself, I feel like they got lost amongst my time stealers and I don’t have enough for them. The people that are most important to me. How does that make sense.
What I know is that with the others I need to learn how to take a step back.
As an example I had a day where I was thinking about how little time I have to do stuff I’d really like. I was thinking about how much I’d like to do a photography course. My ultimate aim .. to travel the world taking pictures of smiles. Good dream right!
But it’s hard to work out how I can fit that in. I also have seen some writing groups that I could go to. Sharing ideas and thoughts and being inspired. Every time a day comes up I realise I’m committed elsewhere and it goes to the back of the queue.
As I was thinking about this and starting to write about it I got a message from someone I work with.
M, I think I need a counsellor. Ok random!
I asked her “what’s up?”
“Stupid guys making my life hard”.
I really like this person. They are like bubbles. Infectiously happy and very sweet. She is beautiful inside and out. She was like a little honey pot when she first arrived and there were bees buzzing round her from all round the building. The sort of girl that would make other girls jealous I think , as she could have her pick of a million boys. But she chooses the ones that treat her a bit rubbish. Why? Normal reason. She doesn’t realise her own worth. She’s wonderful and she doesn’t know it. Thinking she is the problem and needs to change herself to fit with them.
So I sent her Katy Perry Firework and told her that perhaps she needed less stupid guys and an easy life and then she wouldn’t need a counsellor 😊 but if she wanted to talk about stupid guys I would always be happy to listen.
She sent me back a smile. Maybe I’m creating smiles rather than taking photos of them. Which would provide me with more pleasure?!
I then walked through my front door and my housemate caught me before I got upstairs. She had been crying. Got a new job and told her boyfriend in another country but got a less than enthusiastic response, which left her feeling unloved, unappreciated or cared about. Another stupid guy? I just sat and listened for half an hour. She didn’t want advice she just wanted a shoulder to cry on so I gave it until I got hungry and needed a cuppa with a thought that I have stuff to get done.
When I got upstairs my girl was there. She had been contacted by a member of my family. This one was way more complicated and my first thought in this was I don’t want my girl caught up in this big fat mess. Second thought was I don’t want to be caught up in this big fat mess. This was family stuff. The complication of life that I have spent time and effort removing myself from. It’s always full of so much drama it would make an episode of Eastemders look tame.
I always love the perception and stereotype of a family like mine.
You have no idea.
What to do? I said I would speak to them instead. The deal breaker is she is a kid. Always wins out for me. Adults can change their stuff. Much harder for the kids. They live in what has been provided for them so it’s about surviving and trying to flourish within that, than an ability to change their circumstances. My only concern in this was her wellbeing. The drama that surrounds it I have Absolutely no interest in. Those messages I will avoid in every way possible.
Having listened to what her world was looking like I asked her if i could share it with the ones that have the power to make if different for her. Yes!
So stepping into the lions cage I shared what I knew and left it firmly in their sight of vision before jumping back out.
I’m her ear now but nothing more. No way im getting tangled in anything beyond.
By the time I got to the end it was 11pm. Miss L wandered in. She has become a little source of jealousy for my girl in the attention I give her. Saying there is no comparison does not wash. So extra love and attention for my girl in that moment and little miss L looking at me with sad eyes as though I’ve lost interest in her.
I can’t help but chuckle to myself inside in how strange and crazy we all are and I’ll include dogs in this too.
So 12 pm and completely cream crackered and ready for my bed.
Another day that I will have to dream of all those desires.
I totally need my sleep.
After all I have to be a counsellor tomorrow!
Change is coming