Master of my own ship

Yesterday I sat in the captains seat of the HMS Belfast. Captain of the “The most significant surviving naval warship of the Second World War”.
I felt pretty epic sitting there at the helm as though ready to sail it out into the ocean.
It still holds that same dormant power that I felt when i was a kid. Walking along aware it was there but never exploring what lay beyond that outer shell.
Well yesterday I did and what a truly amazing and magical experience that was accompanied by Supernan. A person that knows a thing or two about warships in action and has a quiet power that inspires me every time he is in the house.
He always turns up in the right moments and I had asked if I could go with him. Just the walk alone powered me up in my superhero WW who matches the others in my own unique and gentle abilities. I found myself chatting to him about standards and commitment. His are very high. They are instilled in him and they have served him well through his life. For him they were a matter of life and death. I was thinking how much they mean to me. In a different way but with an equal importance. For me it is all about treating others as I would wish to be treated. Something that is on my mind right now in questioning how much I get that right and how much I get it wrong. But the fact that it is in my mind tells me how important that is.
Why do I have so few really close friends. Because my standards are so high. I expect a lot from others and sometimes it is impossible for people to live up to those expectations. Who sets those standards. Me?
I often find myself shielding others from my disappointment in them not meeting them. Or do I shield myself from the disappointment by expecting less. Is there an invisible line between not wishing to judge others and accepting less that I think I deserve. The only thing I really know to be true is the only person I can set those standards for is myself. I realised recently that I expect very little from those I’m not close to or I don’t have real love and care for. They can be as they please to me and it might irritate me a bit but generally they haven’t met my minimum which is being genuine. I have a radar for that.
It’s the one thing I always try to be. Fundamental without genuiness I choose alone rather than pretence.
I spend a lot of time in my head questioning my own integrity, my own sense of self, my own strengths and weak nesses. How can i really be of any worth to others if I’m not true myself.
As I sat in that captains seat I knew I was worth something. More than many others can often see.
But who cares. Chances are they’ve never really questioned themselves and therefore how can they really know who they are. And I guess If they don’t really know who they are then how the hell will they be able to see me.
So much easier to judge others than turn the mirror on yourself. Often I am a much harsher judge on myself than anyone else could ever be. And yet I think I’m pretty ok. At least I’m always trying.
Of course in true captain M style I couldn’t sail that ship without incident. I left my bag on the captains seat ready to cause a major security alert in an unidentified package.
I only realised as I was walking back,
with visions of the ship being evacuated and ending up on the ten o’clock news with my positive vibes bag being the culprit. Oooops.
I chuckled to myself. In thinking, in all my ability to be able to steer my own ship I always make some little fluff or blunder that can escalate into something worse. But not on this occasion. Straight back on that ship and called in the crew. They went in search of those good vibes and came back all smiley faced in averting an incident. Sometimes you need a few trusted and friendly faces who have got your back.
Doesn’t matter how strong the ship is or how well the captain knows it. It ain’t going nowhere without a crew of others. Their different talents, personalities, and experiences will be the difference between winning those battles or losing them or just enjoying sailing in the sun.
And just like yesterday, I feel like I have the greatest crew, who are there with me whatever battles or smooth sailing lie ahead. I might sometimes ask for a little more or want to push them overboard when they upset me but I am a captain who will always give more than I ask for or I’ll go down with the ship trying.
I know how lucky I am in the people I care about even if sometimes they might not feel it.
Because I know that when push comes to shove I have the best crew ever and even if they don’t know it, I most certainly do.

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