How not to be an arsehole!

How gloriously beautiful it was yesterday. After I finished work I had the rest of the day to enjoy it. I feel like I’m in a place of regenerating than full out living and the sun felt part of that in making me relax and powering me up.
I have huge plans of change and am feeling very focussed in that. There are a lot of things I want to do to change my world into something better and I’m pushing back in every direction to give myself the space to do that.

Yesterday I didn’t particularly want to be in the crowds. I didn’t need them. It felt like the summer equivalent to New Year’s Eve. Where everyone needs to be part of the same party but I feel the opposite. I’d prefer to have a party on all the other days when there’s no expectation. I can have fun in a hurricane. I guess it depends on what your perception of fun is. I would imagine the chances are it won’t necessarily match with mine. There is fun and there is being seen to be having fun. You only have to look at social media to see which one exists more these days.
I love the spontaneous moments of random. They happen when you least expect them and aren’t looking for them and it feels the most natural high of your life.
I can dance indoors and feel happier in that than being in a whole room full of people. It’s all in the moment.

So I took Miss L to meet my friend and we sat and chatted next to the pond in the forest. It was so perfect.
I had the best photo with Miss L. Like two peas in a pod lying next to each other.
It’s just so easy with her.
She just makes me happy and I feel like my warmth and care is completely enough. She embarrassingly came and slept next to me last night rather than G. Ooops.. I was asleep and didn’t realise till I woke up and there she was looking at me all lovingly.
I guess I am just happy with her all the time. That’s my natural way. And in return she bounces around or sits and cuddles. I guess when I think of our personalities we are probably exactly the same. And we both get what we need. Easy peasy. She brings out the best in me. I smiled as we drove back and she had her head on me in the way I saw in Italy. Now that felt pretty cool! And she isn’t mine.
So why then can that be so hard to find in relationships.
Is it because we speak?!😂
although I do find it in some.

It was lovely seeing my friend. How quickly time passes but how much I appreciate that time with her. She is a totally wonderful person. And very good for me. I think she sees the mistakes I make or when something isn’t good for me, but waits till I realise it and then confirms what she has always known. I have to come to those realisations myself.
I like being around her. It feels easy and chilled and I don’t have to feel guarded.

And then later in the evening I walked along the river with my friend.
He clocked arseholes everywhere. Love him.. he thinks most people are arseholes.. it makes me laugh. I said “you don’t even know them how can you tell? ”.
Apparently he has secret powers of deduction. And to be fair he has successfully called quite a few of the arseholes from my life without even meeting them saying you just don’t see it with your sweet nature.
Maybe he is right?!
If no one else, I know he doesn’t think I’m an arsehole which feels like a miracle. Although when he thinks I’m an idiot he won’t hold back in telling me. I always prefer the realness in that. And he isn’t an arsehole either. He is the kind of person who does so much for others. Huge amounts of care, completely genuine and loved by all those who know him. He’s a really good guy. I never quite understand why he helps others so much when he thinks they’re all arseholes. Maybe he is trying to teach them how not be??!

A couple of nights ago I had a message from a friend I respect hugely. She is intelligent, confident, opinionated and has a real presence.
Behind that she is also actually very gentle, warm and caring and often she tries to hide this side as though it is a weakness.
And yet this is the thing she champions most in me. I always admire her strength and confidence.
I loved her very sweet message.
“You are loved by many M”. You are very lovable.
Made me feel like a lovable puppy.
It was a lovely thing to receive from someone that others wouldn’t necessarily expect that from. It was so appreciated in that moment especially as I wasn’t feeling particularly loved. Or lovable. Quite the opposite actually as I sat there on my own with Miss L.

But as the sun continues shining this morning I received a delivery of flowers in appreciation of me.
How lovely.
Somehow I must be doing something right.
I don’t want to be an arsehole in life. I want to be friendly sunshine for happy days.
Perhaps for some my only purpose is to cheer them on rainy days as opposed to when the sun is shining and those “cool kids” come out to play.
That made me feel pretty shit.
I was thinking about who the “cool kids” are. They are in fact the not so “cool kids”.
A little like shoreditch.. when the masses move in, the ground shakers, the uniques doing it their own way, and the people who don’t ever want to become part of the game, move on to somewhere new.

And that thought made me feel like I want to dance.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s