Only time will tell

A new week. I’m wondering how it could be July.
This time last year I had just finished something that changed my whole life. I was completely battered and bruised but so grateful for the magical time I had and for the wonderful people I had met. It had been so hard but it was all about the friends I had made.
One year on it all looks so very different.
I found out how I was bitched about by the little privileged girl who didn’t want me as part of the friendship group she wanted.
And in her moment of meanness she trampled over my dream which was already crumbling.
Like a repeat of being a kid. I was vulnerable back then and was probably walking in very similar shoes. What a learning lesson to your past.
I think I may sound like a bitch in this post. I’m not. Never have been. But I’m giving myself a moment to say It like it is and that actually it wasn’t fucking cool, you kicked someone when they were down and it fucking hurt.

So if I felt like the slightly misfit but very enthusiastic kid I was at school I wonder who she was back then.
Im imaging she had it her way her whole life. Always getting exactly what she wanted. It’s all about success and winning. I wonder if she was told.. there are winners and losers. You have to be the best. And then judged and judged and judged in whether she was the best. Anything less was not enough. Could be wrong but that’s totally my take.

When I started that journey it felt like the biggest opportunity I ever had. I never went to college or university. It wasn’t an option. I had waited for such a long time to do what a lot of those people regarded as this little course.
It meant everything to me. I was wishing for it to be this most wonderful experience of learning and making true and genuine life long friends and becoming qualified to do something. It meant the world to me.
Meanwhile on the other side miss privilege could do whatever she wanted. Money talks in this world. It’s amazing how much it buys beyond stuff. I have no doubt that she was all well intentioned in doing good or maybe it was a break from the boredom of school runs but she had no concept of what it might be like for that not to be a given. To not have money to have those choices. I had built up for ages to get to that moment in being able to afford to do something I wanted and would probably not have such an opportunity again.
I wanted it to be really special.
And she came along like some spoilt and selfish little kid and kicked over the little bit I built. Why did she do that? Because she was jealous? Jealous of what money can’t buy.
Right now as I’m writing this I’m feeling very uncharitable towards her. In her little bitchy moment she helped to ruin something for me beyond that course.
I made a friend. He didn’t belong to me but I felt close to him and that felt pretty wonderful. She wanted that friend and she didn’t want me to be a part of that.
I was just me and a pretty messed up version at that time. She had success and money and big house and rich friends and contacts, contacts, contacts. Oh and you play tennis on my private court if you want.
How do you compete. They will trump you every time in what they can superficially offer.
Hmmm against broken down life, grief, emotion, crazy and wounded. Yep.. Very desirable.
And yet my friend still liked me. I’m not sure exactly why but I think it was because I was genuine and I was kind and caring and I was loving. I think?!
So what did she do. She questioned that to all the people I was friends with. “ I don’t believe it”. Putting the seeds of doubt in others. Undermining the thing I had to offer. I didn’t have the bright lights camera action stuff. I only had me.. who I was. I remember feeling it as I stood outside. Isn’t it strange how you have a sixth sense for these things. That you know you are being pulled down. I’ve felt it before so I know it. I waited out there, looking out over the balcony wishing I could just go home. My friend came out to find me. Did he feel guilty for being part of something that wasn’t nice? Maybe. He was the privilege too but he knew it. He questioned it and tried to understand what it looked like for others. I liked that. He was on the right lines. A little caught in his spoilt only child “it’s not fair. I want to do what I want to do” “no one cares about me” but many times I’ve read and heard him talk about how lucky he is. He got it more than most.

When I went home that night I felt pretty shit. I knew but I didn’t. That night changed the course of how I felt about myself through the rest of my time there. I questioned and doubted myself.

In her little throwaway moment of wanting to be the best, the most popular, she walked over me when I was at my most vulnerable. When she knew I was wounded. Who does that? What a crock to hear you talking of courses in compassion when you showed absolutely none to me.
You got your way. Well done. You’re the best. Did it make you happy?!

As for my friend.. when I found out about it all it completely obliterated all the trust I had built with them over three years. I struggle with trust and worked really hard to build that with them. I took so many steps forward in that. I really loved them. I shared something really special with them that money could never buy.
But I’m left feeling like I don’t know whether that was real or fake. Do they really care about me or were they using me? Or did they play the same thing on repeat with everyone? Or or or? It has made me question everything. What need did I fulfil for them? When they told me about something they were planning on doing I thought.. are you putting me in the middle? Shes my bitch!
What a crazy thing to think. Or is it? I didn’t want to be part of it.
It’s a strange thing when trust is lost.
Its left me with a sense of having no idea who they are now. Perhaps every part of who they were through those past three years was a lie. There’s an arrogance to them now that I don’t much get if I’m honest. You were lovelier without it but perhaps it will attract the sort of people you want to be around. You can be whoever you want to be. And perhaps I’m not the right person to be around that.
But I saw a lot of special stuff in you. I don’t know if I imagined it? but it looked pretty beautiful to me.

I guess for me it was all completely real. I haven’t really changed through the whole thing other than recovering from the upset of that period and becoming more sure of who I am and feeling my worth. More in charge of who I am and where I’m going. I know that I’m a good person who deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. And I know how to be happy and how to love so that tells me I have a great future ahead of me.
And there are lots of people who like me. I’m a decent person who cares about others And I’m lucky in those few special people I have around me.
And actually I feel really proud of who I am.

Saying about this out loud helps me to let it go. Ive drawn the line but now I want to walk forward.

I don’t have any interest in that woman now and never will. I think that she didn’t really discover a single thing about herself in that two years but perhaps she will as she goes along in her journey. She will certainly have the means to invest in more learning and experiences in that area.
I’m guessing you will always be a winner as people like you always are. And you can keep adding friends to your collection. But I will never feel jealous of you. Because you don’t have what I do. If you search for it you might eventually find it, but you won’t be able to buy it.

As for my friend.. I don’t know. It feels tough right now. My feelings towards them are very messy. On the one hand I think the world of them. I believe in them. I’m not sure what exactly that is right now but it’s what they need to be and I genuinely do care about them such a lot. More than they know.
But on the other hand I’m not sure if they are very good for me. It has felt very hard recently and lots of times I have been left feeling like I’m nothing.
And I don’t ever want to feel like that ever again.
Maybe in time we will find our way back together.
I hope so. Because of all the people I’ve ever met I connected with you in a way I never have before and that was so very special.

As for me I have stuff I want to make happen and I’m starting to focus on that. I don’t particularly want anything crazy amazing.
I still don’t care about money and success. I’m still very happy in simpleness. But just being comfortable and able to do things I want to do.
This turned out to be a very expensive course in every possible way. Was it worth it? Honestly I’m not quite sure. I think in everything I’ve learnt, probably.

But if I’m really honest it was all about the friendships in the end.
I have a few that I absolutely treasure.
But that particular friendship was very significant for me.  I will always love and care about them. I had thought that they would be a part of my life forever and the thought that they might not makes me incredibly sad. Friendship is a two way street.
But I guess only time will tell …


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