Diary of a cockney angel

I’m finding my blog is becoming a little diary for me. Well a bit of everything actually. My own therapy, talking out loud rather than in my head, a place to explore, to dream, to share, to vent, to talk about experiences and to be excited about changes that I’m making.
A few posts ago I was thinking of shutting it down but I like writing it.. just for me.

I have my own little way of doing and thinking about stuff and other than my very closest I don’t really have many places to share beyond the surface.
Lots of things are changing for me and I’m trying to be fearless in making stuff happen. My plan is to set up my own business which I plan to have in place by September. I have lots of people cheering me on in this but I’m doing it myself. I don’t need anyone to help me. In fact I want to make this stuff happen for myself and when I look back in another years time feel proud that no one gave me a leg up or paved my way. This will all be on my own merits and because I have skillz.

I have without question felt huge sadness. I have felt stupid and naive in my openness.
I don’t regret anything though. I’m always so true to myself and honest in my feelings. And this was a massive learning lesson in how being that way can hurt me. But I think it says less about me and more about others. I’d still rather be the way I am. It’s honest in all its crazy stupid love.

I felt really happy for my kick ass Lupito who I’ve been quietly cheering on in the moments when she was struggling. I told her what she already knew. And she kicked it into touch second time round. Kick ass awesome. Hope you are still dancing.
I also spoke to A yesterday. Been checking in with him over the last year. He has proper struggled but dug deep and showed a resilience that others questioned. I feel so proud of him. He is in the thick of it right now but he always knows I’ve got his back. And when he finishes it feels like he will set me free. Come on that boy.
Love that he calls me the Cockney Angel. I’m neither but it makes me feel like a superhero with wings 😂

I sat with my girl at dinner tonight listening to her talk about her love life. Turns out she is also very discerning. Boys asking her out but she’s not interested in just having a boyfriend. She’s a girls girl and happy in that. I think they will have to be pretty special to turn her head. She asked me what my type is.
I said to her that I don’t have one. I just know.
But that it’s not enough for someone to just be hot. They have to be interesting and able to talk otherwise I would be bored after five minutes. I mean I totally need them to show love in a physical sense. It’s totally my language of love but if I can’t have a conversation with them or they don’t make me laugh then I can’t be bothered. And game players, charmers and people full of their own importance need not apply. I’m a dreamer in a down to earth girl and genuine and honest is must.

I was asked by someone If I wanted to meet up. I left it and left it. Everyone that cares about me willed me to say yes and eventually I did. Moments later I knew it was the wrong decision. I liked them and felt flattered but feel like I said yes because I felt like I should.
I’ll know when it’s something I’m willing to take a risk in. Feeling a little risk aversive with my heart. I’ve put myself out there but I’d quite like to take care of my heart for a while. Perhaps I feel stuff more than others. Too sensitive as I’ve often been told. Well that’s the way I am and actually it’s a gift. And I would like to treasure that gift for a while before I give it back out.

But I’m definitely feeling more bold in opening up my world in meet ups with other writers this week and that feels exciting.
I don’t know what to expect and maybe it won’t be for me but It feels like it might be fun and there is more to me than meets the eye.
Dumb blonde I am not. As my new T-shirt says “don’t judge a book by its cover”.

oh and no song for this one but I found this as I was thinking about angels. There are many times in life where I feel like someone is looking out for me. To even imagine it sounds crazy. And yet I could not believe in something more.

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