I’m feeling good.
I finally posted my response to that letter.
I had always feared yet another rejection by sending it, but now I don’t. Sending it is for me and for me alone.
I don’t want to be left with feelings of guilt in years to come. Carrying that weight of not saying what I needed to say when I still had the chance to say it. That kind of stuff will rip a person apart and I’ve done enough of that through my life on the back of their way.
I’m feeling very good in it all and that feels pretty epically wonderful.
There is definitely a lightness to me and things are falling into place in so many different ways.
Only a heaviness of heart with my friend who I really love. We are complicated friends. Total mismatch of epic proportions.I don’t think anyone has ever rocked my world in the way they have. Keep telling myself that they are way more suited in friendships to others who are similar to them. And laughably I doubt I’ve been given a second thought. So also reminding myself of that every time they come to mind. I’m a sensitive soul and stuff bothers me more than most But what can I say.. in all those differences, I still miss them.
Ive found over the last few days that I have been surrounded by lovely people. People who are being nice to me, kind to me, helping me, wanting to give something of themselves to me to make my world nicer.
They are little things but they matter hugely to me.
Like a convo I had with my old tutor who had helped me a lot. I wanted to share the news of my little successes. Like a mini sub dad he responded with proudness.
When I responded we were taking in the same view in very different ways and we made each other smile in that.
He took a lot of shit at different times but I think he is a really good bloke.
Ovs my friends are their normal beautiful selves and my girl is something special. She watches a lot of the other kids around her being given new cars and a constant stream of nice stuff. And unfortunately we just don’t have the means to do that. But she can totally share my car and I am in the process of pimping it up for her. She is very particular and likes things neat tidy and beautiful. Yeah we are a mismatch in that. Gonna be interesting sharing that car when she passes. I’m gonna be in trouble a lot for all my sweet wrappers.
When I see the other kids get everything I feel bad. She is such a beautiful person. So kind, thoughtful, caring and hugely protective of me and P. She so deserves the best. But maybe the fact that she doesn’t get it all, reminds her of what has value. She certainly has that down. Makes me proud.
But my lovely friend L threw a little luck her way in a possible job opportunity where I used to work. On the positive I know the person recruiting always liked me so that might help. Maybe/hopefully. I’m keeping everything crossed for her.
She would really love to go to Paris with her friends for her 18th birthday, and that bit of summer temping will really help.
When I was in the supermarket the man behind the counter was his usual self. Chatty, friendly. He has a way about him. Always happy and it cheers up a persons day. Thankyou!
I got to work today only to find I had no clients and none for tomorrow. Which means I have two weeks off. That feels lovely actually. I’m so looking forward to getting away.
Could not have a more beautiful destination ahead of me. Sorrento. A complete bargain even by my own standards and I’m gonna enjoy every single second of what it is.
I can’t really afford new clothes right now but treated myself to a couple of bits of new makeup. The lady in Debenhams was a little diamond. She was the personal shopper who just happened to be on the shop floor and spotted me and became my personal shopper. Helping me in getting my £10 back by finding something for 3 quid so I would be eligible. Then filling my bag with free samples. She reminded me of P’s mum. Funny chatty and sweet and wanting to help. She made me smile so much I gave her a hug.
Haha do people usually hug their shop assistants… sorry personal shopper. She was a little gem.
I then dropped my car park ticket which blew underneath my car. The man washing cars laid on the floor to get it for me. What a total sweetheart. Gave him a hug too.
They waved me off as I left the car park.
Maybe it’s the summer sun, or my lack of hurry in finding a moment to chat or the lightness that I’m feeling in myself and the absence of clients feelings but all these little things made me feel so sunny.
And making me feel sunny is what makes you all so beautiful!