Feel like I am getting rid of all my tears. It’s good to have a little cry.
I think crying is the antedote to cynical and bitter.
I know there are people out there that don’t believe in me, or those that just don’t understand me, or those that just don’t care one way or other.
I’m thinking a little like the Cincinnati kid
“You just ain’t ready for me yet”
I’m feeling so proud of myself in how much I’ve learnt, omg I’ve learnt so much. I’m like a sponge soaking it all up. Im proud of my strength and resilience. Even in times when things could not look any worse… I could have given in, gone against my heart and my beliefs and taken the easy peasy road. Blimey that road has at times looked so very appealing.
I mean I’ve been tempted to take it. This road certainly has not been filled with easy fun and anyone who has known me for a long time will know I’m a girl who loves easy fun.
Nicknamed the eternal party girl a few years back I think there are people who would struggle to believe where I sit right now.
That party girl is still there. She has taken a backseat to allow the lesser known, lesser socially acceptable side, to have a moment to be in the world. The melancholy girl who sheds her tears alone. She still sheds them alone but she isn’t covering them with party. She is just existing in her own right.
Being thoughtful, gentle, emotional, alone.
Strangers and close friends are propping her up without realising it and giving moments of sparkle to keep her going.
She’s not particularly dark but she is very deep.
The lightness of touch from others keeps her close enough to the surface to find her way back up but she is not looking to party right now.
I feel like a series of contradictions at the minute.
Light but Deep.
Happy but Sad.
Alive but Dead.
But just not party.
I think eventually I will.
And when I do I will set the dance floor on fire.
I will totally own it.
As I get ready for bed I put my phone on charge. Someone tell me that I’m imagining it when I say tunes and videos find me rather than the other way round. As I walked back from the bathroom this tune was playing. It ain’t on my play list but it was playing.
A little something for the insomniac party girl who is giving room to the believer in the power of the universe to shed her tears.
Easy fun party girl may be resting but she is by no means asleep. And hearing that tune felt very reassuring.
She will find her way to the party when she is ready. But not quite yet!