How happy I feel. As I stepped on to my balcony this morning I heard the bells from the church ring. A magical sound against the quietness of the street and the morning song of the birds.
My friend asked me what inspired me to choose this place. Actually this place chose me. I have spent many holidays and trips in Italy. It is my most visited country.
I have huge affection for it for many reasons. It is beautiful. From Rome, to Milan to Venice, to the Lakes, to Amalfi to Tuscany and now Sorrento and on Monday sailing on a small boat to Capri.
Wow as I type this out I think what an amazing life of privilege for the girl who started from nothing, who worked so hard, fell in love with the boy who had nothing and together they made everything.
Italy is a place that unashamedly shows affection in every way. I don’t feel like I can love too much here. Feels impossible to love too much here.
And yet when this trip found me, (flashing up on my phone in too cheap to ignore wonder), I was feeling like I had lost my ability to love. Like it had been lost like Peter Pans ability to fly.
The girl who has always loved before all else was left feeling very empty.
It felt like a sign for me to go find it.
There is a sturdy tree that sits in front of my balcony. It provides a safe haven to sit and think without the heat and light of the sun blinding me.
It provides Shade and shelter that allows me to sit in its heat without being burnt.
It reminds me so much of the tree that used to sit outside my bedsit which provided a stability to create a safe haven in troubled times.
Perhaps if I stayed in this destination too long, eventually it too would leave me feeling sad and lost and empty.
But right now it feels beautifully magical. Where the imagination has to do its work at home, here nothing is left to the imagination. It is a place for dreamers to lie in rest.
And rest is what I needed.
Where others would be clamouring for more, this is enough. Simple, perfect just where I sit.
I have no doubt that if I explored more I might find better, more amazing, more beautiful. I’m pretty sure I could spend a lifetime travelling the world looking for something better.. but I’m not looking for better.
As I sit here surrounded by pretty flowers and majestic trees, oozing charm and romance there is everything required to create a moment of pure romance and love ..
And I find myself thinking about that very thing. A moment of…
suddenly it is gone and what are you left with. A memory of something that once was.
Suddenly what felt special is beyond your reach. Like an illusion. All the moments of creating something that slipped away in a second.
I realise as I sit in this most beautiful of places that in fact the thing that is missing is real love. The kind where you can feel happy in having absolutely nothing. The kind that is beyond moments and is as solid and deeply rooted as the tree that sits in front of me. The kind that I held in my hands on all those trips to Italy and filled my heart with magic because they were shared with someone I loved and who loved me. In fact even now they never stop telling me how much they love me. How much they miss me and how happy our lives could be if i would let them try.
Never giving up on what they describe as “us”.
This person that I loved so deeply and yet I’ve struggled so much to feel it. Of course I love them. So much. But to feel it in the way it should be felt. The way that I have to feel it. I know that feeling. I had it for twenty years. It is more than love. It’s magic.
So why the struggle. I know I could have a happy life with him. I know it.
Because I fell in love with a moment, a dream, something that understood a part of me that others didn’t. A mate of my soul that spoke a language I understood so well.
But they didn’t love me. I don’t know what they felt for me.
And yet those moments meant everything to me.
I took a risk for those moments.
That risk was my heart.
A heart that is so strong in how it beats for others but so fragile in how it is held.
A heart that can find everything required to love every stranger, to make my friends feel treasured and my girl feel that she is loved beyond the moon and the stars in a way that you cannot imagine unless you have children.
But that has completely lost the ability to love with complete passion and total belief that had always been the corner stone of my way of living. When I love I love.
Perhaps it is lost forever, or perhaps I will find it for a moment and remember what that looked like, or perhaps, perhaps, perhaps???
What I know is that I left it in Italy. And I’m searching for it.