If there is a way to find yourself being more fearless in a new beginning I found it last night.
I woke up this morning with Miss L lying beside me.
Did she feel what I was feeling and stay close to me last night.
She is usually with G but she must have wandered in when I was sleeping and found her place next to me. How much I appreciated her big brown eyes looking at me this morning in a way that said everything will be ok. I know it will but there certainly is something very special in not feeling alone in that.
I’m not quite in that place of being right in it yet. I just need a moment to feel whatever I’m feeling and also feel the butterflies of new and different.
To be able to live life in a new way that I have become accustomed to but with someone else.
When I started a journey I was in a place of security. 4 years from paying off my mortgage. All those years of hard work and sacrifice, opening a window to easier. If I could have stayed on that path I guess I would be nearly home free now.
But sometimes life has other plans for you and it’s hard to understand why but I followed it with all my heart and soul and it took me to a wonderful and magical place that I would not have found had I not been reckless. I’ve never been so reckless in all my life, ever, or will I be again but in that moment I was. And I’m glad. My heart made me reckless and I followed it. I have never surprised myself so much. I felt something that I never had before and which felt very rare and whatever comes after will never dull the sparkle of what that was.
So where do I see these new beginnings taking me. Right now hard work. I have to fight for more. Give everything I am to giving us some choices and dreams. I have to believe that it can be our reality if I can help us be fearless in it together.
I’m not driven by money but you need it to live and there never has or never will be a bank of mum and dad. I don’t mind a bit of struggle. Its always made me appreciate all the little things that often get missed. There is freebie happiness in so much if you have the ability to see it. To many it is invisible unless it comes in a fancy wrapper.
I always felt i was destined for something. I don’t know what but something. I don’t think I’m there yet but unlike others who define success by how much you earn or your status, it’s all in the experience of life for me. I doubt in my final moments I’d ever be thinking about the quality fixtures and fittings in my home. Or some beautiful cream leather sofa.
But I do care about continuing to provide a safe and secure existence for my girl. Always top of my list. She has always felt that and always will.
But her wings are starting to spread and I can see her independence growing rapidly even if I can feel her scared little girl in that. She wants more and I want her to fly in whatever direction she chooses but knowing there is something safe for her whenever she needs it. She is loved. So much. But in a way that allows her to be whatever she wants even if she doesn’t know what that is yet. Here to help if she needs it or to proudly watch from afar when she doesn’t but for her to know I’m right there, standing strongly in her corner wishing hard for all her dreams to find their way to her.
Of course responsibility is thrown in the mix. Parents that are loved dearly and need to be taken care of in the way they deserve.
I could not be happy in life if i spent it solely thinking about my own wants and needs.
I’m Just not made that way.
I selfishly took my moment/opportunity and I didn’t waste it.
But it can’t all be about me.
I’ve had my amazing share of magic. I can never ever grumble that life has not provided me with moments beyond my hearts desires. I could not feel luckier right now as I face the realities of life.
And yet beyond all of that I still have dreams. Real dreams that I am going to work hard to make real.
We loved to travel when we first knew each other. Freely flying together in the magic of the world around us. Searching for beautiful places that could be explored and shared. Some of them I am sure I will find myself exploring alone or with friends but mainly I hope will be with with the person I spend my life with. I know that they feel excited by that thought. Someone that loves me in a way that makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. There is something so valuable for me in that and that is making me feel safe and secure in my decisions. I know how to love and I will try to give it in all its intensity. It is the thing that most makes me me and the the part that is most loved about me by them. Their need for it has always been limitless but especially right now and I have enough now for both of us.
To be able to share life with someone I love and who loves me is enough.
My one real need is to just to be able to be me. Even if it is in moments when I can just slip away into my dreams. To feel free to think in the way I do and share in a place where it is understood. I hope I will always have that place. I have so much faith in that. Finding a space to just be me will help me in trying to find my happiness in the real.
Love comes in many forms but at the heart of it for me is a true desire for the other person to have all the happiness that they wish for and their dreams to be realised.
My heart is a secret place that holds so much and although it may not all be seen, I have love that is held in my heart so deeply it will stay with me forever.