Worrying about money or should I say the lack of it brings a whole range of emotions in a way that if you have never experienced it you would struggle to understand it. If safety and security is the foundation level of needs I lost sight of it. But I now find myself at the darkest end of reality. We are treading water. The full extent of what has been kept hidden has been revealed. But I feel safe in that honesty. I know where I am in that. And believing that together it can be worked out. I’m back in it to work it out. I can run from my own feelings but I am solid in taking care of someone else’s.
Come what may were words we said to each other many times in moments of difficult.
It was my favourite film that I was taken to see all those years ago and was everything that we were.
I felt loved in exactly that way as we sat there holding hands. He could see how much I loved it. Bohemian and free spirited love set in Paris. It had me written all over it. And he wanted to be that for me. Dreamy isn’t his way but for me he always tried. Playing into my imagination to help me create a beautiful world for us to live in. He enjoyed the world I created. And I always believed he would be there for me come what may.
And he always was. Always .. until that moment he wasn’t. So lost and full of anger that I couldn’t even see him anymore.
He was the only boy for me. Made for each other. Real and dreamy collide. I created the magic and he just loved me and made me feel safe, secure and special. He provided the stability that I needed to function in a way that provided our real life happiness.
I’m a dreamer for sure. But in all my years I kept so much under wraps. Until a moment that would impact the rest of my life. Swept up in dreamy feeling that was impossible to untangle from as hard as I tried.
And I really tried. Trying to employ every ounce of logic into my dreamy head and beating heart. I knew I was in dangerous territory but I charged towards it without a thought for what that might mean.
I almost swerved it if I had left somewhere when I said I was leaving. A momentary loss of should fuelled by happy.
Unprepared in a moment of could that would create a wave that washed me out to sea.
Caught in something so beyond my imagination I lost all reason.
I find myself replaying different moments in my mind trying to work it all out. Pointless.. it is too late to rewind and change things. And if I am really selfishly and dreamily honest I wouldn’t want to. I hate myself for saying that.
It wasn’t like I was searching for a moment like that. In fact the complete opposite.
I just wanted to be happy and enjoy the chance I had to try and be something more.
But no one can explain feelings. They are what they are and for me so genuinely felt. I cannot pretend. When I love it is as real as the sky and the sea and as vast. I fall in, with everything I am and am completely lost in it.
Call me naive or a hopeless romantic but i certainly never looked for it. It found me. My heart was in complete charge. How a heart can completely wreck everything that has been painstakingly built.
Had it just been someone it would have been ok, but perfect dreamy was impossible to walk away from.
And it provided such happiness in a moment when I couldn’t cope with the brutal and heart breaking reality of real.
Watching a person die over three months in front of your eyes.
The trauma that I felt in that was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before.
If you have ever watched someone you love being destroyed by cancer you will understand what that looks like. This was cancer in its most aggressive and unforgiving form.
It’s not quiet, gentle fading away.
It is witnessing deep and unbearable physical pain, a loss of dignity in every sense, the disappointment in someone’s eyes that they didn’t do more with their life and that they wouldn’t be there for the special people that had provided their magic.
In a tiny moment of clarity in a quiet whisper I was told .. be everything you want to be. Don’t settle for less.
I could see the hurt she felt in the man she loved, who she had spent her whole life with but was unable to take care of her in her moment of real need. Removed from her and unable to provide the love that she so needed in her final moments.
How those words and the look in her eyes stayed with me. Like being haunted by someone’s need for love.
Replaced by a son who took on everything in a way that is more beautiful than anything I have ever seen in my life. Doing things that no son ever imagines he will have to do and with such love and compassion and respect that I can only imagine that she looks on him with such proudness in the man he is.
I was so proud of him.
And yet despite my efforts in trying to give all my love to him, I was pushed away as though I meant nothing to him.
Looked at with scornful eyes in my selfishness in continuing on a journey that I should have walked away from.
How I have fought with myself in not walking away. Where was I in that moment. Selfishly continuing to pursue my dream of being more.
“Be everything you want to be” ringing in my ears as though I had been given permission.
How I have hated myself during that time. Looking in the mirror at someone who talks love but was missing in the moment it was really needed. Feeling the guilt of selfishness.
They were so Overwhelmed by their grief and so angry at me. It all became my fault. All of it. I had never seen them that way and it scared me. Scared me in seeing what I had seen before in life. And I ran.
I ran to the safety and happiness of a dream. I knew I could not live there forever. Eventually I would have to return to some reality. But it was so beautiful and I felt more magical than I had ever felt in my life. The more I tried to free myself the more I fell in. Deeper and deeper till eventually I was lost in my own dream all alone while all around me my real was crumbling. I could see it but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to see it. It was impossible to go backwards but I didn’t know how to go forwards. I was stuck. Stuck alone in a dream that I wanted to be a reality but would never be.
And there I have been for the last year. Trying to find a way forward.
Until I heard those words while I was on my trip. How 3 words can pull you back into reality and remind you in who you are.