More

I felt so very happy today.
Superman gave me the little extra I needed yesterday. He is a person who can beat himself up too and has a way in being so genuine in what he says that it allows me to accept it and own it. I trust him.

Lots of nothing and random made me laugh and smile in my new found feeling of easiness.
I think it’s slightly premature. We are certainly not out of the woods. But having found a possible solution to a problem that has been hidden and I was unaware of it has made me feel positive in seeing that the responsibility of what feels challenging will be shared. Maybe we needed something to pull us together. I wont bore you with the details of what this looks like. It is no-ones fault. just a consequence of many choices that were taken in less than logical moments.
No point crying over spilt milk as they say. There are times in life when you just have to accept it, own your part in it and then draw that line and move forward.
You can run from your actions but you can’t hide and I don’t want to.
I know I’m a good and decent person and so are they. We always have been.
I feel confident in saying that because I know how we are both  made and genuine is at our core.
It feels like we are sitting right on the border of some real happiness I think,  and despite some difficult complications I haven’t felt so safe in what feels like a very long time.
Feeling safe is very underrated.
There is freedom and freedom. One allows you to fly alone and live life how you want to but in a way that makes you happy and the other is flying with another and trying to live life how you want to but with a desire to make the other person happy.
I am moving towards the latter and my wings are feeling much stronger.
I recognise this, I know how it can feel and how much happiness I am able to find in flying in that way. It may contain many shoulds but I am living in the world of real where coulds are a luxury for people like us, especially now. Luxuries that you need to save up for.
Why do you think I treasured that opportunity so much. It’s like tasting the best chicken ever!!!  You don’t stop dreaming of all those amazing flavours but you can’t have it for dinner every night. Some things are just for special.
The freedom that comes from feeling safe is opening me up in a way that makes me so much more accessible to others.
I don’t need to trust them. I don’t need to worry about being hurt or not being good enough.
I can just be. For sure I have some strange little ways. Ways that others don’t always get and can look at me with confused eyes.

But I already feel less drained in loving others because someone is loving me. Caring about how I might feel. Wanting to see me happy without a whole array of conditions. That my happiness is just as important as theirs. Or ours as they keep telling me.
And I won’t lie. That feels bloody lovely.
Im always happy giving it out and expecting nothing in return but it sure feels nice to be on the receiving end of that.
Can I grab hold of my little slice of happy and feel good in that.
From returning home from my fantasy in all my dreamy happy to the realness of life as the lonely girl paddling in shallow waters I now find myself diving into deep waters in search of lost and hidden treasures.
I don’t need to be the cleverest, the most successful, the most beautiful or the best.
Enough finally feels enough for me.
I had almost completely forgotten what that looked like. Feeling like I had to be more and more and more so that I might be as good as I felt others thought I should try to be. But I didn’t even care about being more and more.
I have no interest in being like the people who are considered as being more.
Never have never will. I am more in my own special way and I don’t need anyone else to see that. I know it. It might be different to others but it’s in the way I want to be more. More for me is in being happy, looking out for people I love, having fun, showing love in the best way I know how. Pretty basic, straightforward and simple. No frills, no perfection. Just squashed cupcakes with chocolate buttons.
Perhaps to others it will look like less but maybe their more doesn’t look like mine. If I know one thing through my life so far, I have met a lot of people who just don’t get it.
More than anything right now I am loving the feeling of being in it together.
I spent so much time in the company of what’s yours is yours and what’s mine is mine I lost sight of what is shared.
That theory sure does provide a way of disassociating yourself from other people’s feelings but it also puts a bloody great big barrier in between being part of something that is more than just you.
I hope this life will always be about more than just me. Being part of something more is my happiness. And I feel proud to be that way.

 

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