Real

How life can put you somewhere.
Life is feeling slightly surreal for me right now. Ive found myself in a place that wasn’t planned but necessity has taken over.
For the girl who is driven by love not money, money has been the driver on this.
In trying to sort the never ending and delayed and delayed financial details it finally transpired that everything that has been worked for through a lifetime of blood sweat and tears was at risk of being completely lost. Things have been tough on the other side of the fence too and completely hidden.
My choice.. to take my share and live a life of free, leaving them with nothing or to fight together to salvage what has been struggled for, while keeping that very important security for our girl.
Not quite the stuff of romance and dreams but this is what is called real life.
I chose that over the dreams. I would never feel free in making a choice in the other.
What sort of person would that make me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
For all I may be, right at the heart I am a good person who cares about others. My girls safety security and happiness is an absolute given but I spent half a life with P. Most of it was wonderful. I have huge love for him.
He found the quiet, shy, insecure and naive girl and made her feel like she was a someone. The man that was cheeky,  gentle funny and clever when I first met him has been beaten down by the responsibilities and sadness of life which have made him harder, more controlling in things he feels like he has control in and given him an anger and resentment in how little value is placed on a normal working bloke like him.
He is a really good man who has been trying and trying but finding it so tough. My girl had been worried about him in his depression. I have been feeling so full of guilt and those dreamy days away were never needed so much in all my life.
All that pain… for what?
My selfish happiness? And I was happy. Lonely yes, struggling financially yes, but feeling very free with hopes in the possibilities that might lie ahead.
Come what may…words sent to me while I was away.
Today I found myself in a role that looked very familiar a few years back. Cleaning the flat from top to bottom. It was the last thing I did before I left and is the first thing I have done in my commitment to try and rebuild what is broken. Scared doesn’t come close. As I was on my knees cleaning the bathroom floor I cried. In all my struggles I never imagined I would find myself back in the same place. But those tears were momentary. I am much stronger now, I have a fire that ignites when there are battles to be fought and when that happens nothing can stop me. I can do anything. And I will. I am prepared for those people who felt entitled to judge me during that time. To work hard for the basics but mostly, finally prepared to shelve all those dreams.
Perhaps it makes me a very sad person, but all my happy and magical memories will be the things that lift me in the moments that I falter.
When I left the more homely Looking flat to drive home for my last week in my Parisian pent house apartment I felt more positive. I can tell how much p appreciates me not leaving him high and dry. His promise to me is that he will try his best to not take his frustrations out on me. And I will use all I’ve learnt to avoid that.
This feels beyond money. It may be the thing that pulled me back in, but beyond that I have a love and care for this man who is worth more.
He once rescued me and made me feel like I was somebody just by loving me. Now I want to do the same for him.
Love shows itself in many ways.
It may not be dreamy love but it certainly Is real.

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