The magic of simple messy

This morning is such a gorgeous day. The sun is shining and I am in my black jumpsuit, sparkly wedges and denim jacket. Hair up in just that way that tinks likes it.
Skipping down the road to the station. A route I have got so used to and I like as I look out to the sky that sits over the hills and looks so magnificent in all its familiar and everyday ordinary beauty. I will continue travelling from here even when I move. It suits me.
Someone is coming to check out my Parisian apartment tomorrow.
I feel happy for them finding this treasure.
I wonder if they need it as much as I did.
I hope it brings them the same joy as me.
I will be leaving my good vibes. That top floor is filled with so much love that I am leaving for them.
I drove past my old place last night. All boarded up since I moved out.
No takers for the place that had a hole in the ceiling? 😊 I laugh now at how I have always thought the rain so romantic. It always will be for me. But maybe slightly less so when it falls on your head while sleeping in your bed.
And yet I found happiness in both. The shack and the palace.
Why is that I wonder?
Because Whilst everyone is playing the game of being as good as or better than everyone else, I was learning about Freedom, beauty, truth and love.
And I’m so far ahead of that game. Catch me if you can.
In two years I was challenged in all of them. I soared, I fell, I struggled, I survived and I grew in ways that some people will only ever dream of.
Veering so spectacularly off my path and onto an unmade track of chocolate and treacle. It took me to places that are impossible to visit by being safe or doing what others tell you you should. How I love chocolate and treacle.
Only I was in control of what that looked like for me.
In charge of my destiny? I don’t think so, but the routes that I choose to get there? I’m totally in control of that. For better or for worse in making my own choices. Whatever that looked/looks like, I can only look to myself if it goes right or wrong.
No more playing of the the blame game. It’s all on me. I choose what path I take. I’ve learnt a lot in how I am capable of anything if I put my mind to it but I also know how important it is for me to do the “right” thing. I have my own code of what feels right.
Beating myself up in making decisions that might benefit me but feel impossible to live with. However that appears to others and would be pulled apart by those theorists my decisions are always made with love at their heart. It doesn’t feel like the worst way in the world to make choices.
I would rather be hurt than to to hurt others.
I’m not a sucker for punishment but I know that the easy route is so very empty.
I’ve seen it so much.
Whereas the beauty I see in challenge leaves me inspired and in awe. If I can be a tiny bit of what that looks like i know I will rise to new levels of appreciation and gratitude in taking this one life and trying to be the best version of myself that I can be. I don’t want to be perfect I just want to be all I can be.

Trying to find new and better ways will always be my learning. And I’m learning more than others might be able to see.
There is so much more learning from taking risks, putting yourself in places of challenge than in coasting through a life of perfect.
Perfect is a beautiful disguise for just existing.
Lovely for a moment and then what?

Living is to go beyond what is comfortable and easy and still sparkle I know that for a fact.
It will take a lot more now to knock me down.

I’m trusting in myself.
I believe that it will find a path to more in the way I wish more to be.
That reckless route was filled with so much that makes Dorothy’s journey home look like a piece of cherry and almond cake. Perfect and with flavours to die for.
But in my journey there is more perfectness in the messy. Flavours that you have to imagine which are haphazardly thrown together in a way that work and don’t. Constantly being updated to a new and magical recipe with a little something else chucked in the mix and coming out of the oven looking like a car crash. Beautiful!

Simple messy can be added to in a million different ways because it has no need to be perfect ..
whereas perfect.. well there is nowhere to go .. its just  perfect ..

Being the emotional girl i am I feel all that needs to be felt. The lows and the highs. I feel very alive in being able to feel in this way.
and today I felt very ready to put myself back into the very ordinary and understated world where nothing works as it should, would be invisible to many but I believe has so much potential.

So why was I embarrassed by my squashed fairy cakes with chocolate buttons. Because people laughed at me as I couldn’t bake in the way others do. But maybe they don’t know how to bake like me. If they did maybe they would know how simple messy has a magic all of its own.

As I came out of work tonight I opened a message from P. I was expecting an update on the big mess we are trying to sort out.

But in surprise and out of nowhere I received a beautiful and romantic poem of love which made my heart leap in finding myself in an unexpected moment of dreamy.
A moment where the dreamer and the real swapped places if just for a brief moment and gave me a little something to hold on to .., before a call of frustration and annoyance that then left me feeling sad.
I need to dig a little deeper to strive for the happiness that I feel can be achieved. I have it in me to bring what is required and perhaps I will keep falling over but like chumbawumba, I will get back up again.
Perhaps all the new and special and secret ingredients in the cake I bake will eventually give me the button that makes my cakes magic.
And no one believes in magic quite like I do.
It’s what makes perfect days.

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