I feel like I’m writing so much this week. Needing to clear my head. Needing to say whats inside and hidden but but not able to say it quite like it is.
I am so tired. I am trying so hard to be what I need to be. But today I have nothing. I feel very empty and wishing to just disappear. Not in that way that is a worry. Just to hide from everything that feels out of my control.
Watching everything I worked so hard for and struggled to get to slipping through my fingers in the name of doing the right thing. I know it is right. I could not walk away from the responsibility of someone I care so much about and the impact that it has on others.
But still I feel that I have failed. Failed in so much.
I gave it everything and more. I could not have tried any harder. I went beyond the limits of what I thought possible and yet still it was not enough. Because I love too much, care too much, feel too much.
I feel a part of myself dying inside and there is nothing I can do other than feel it. I’m feeling it even if I am unable to describe it.
Miss L staying close to me and looking with sad eyes in what she doesn’t understand. I don’t think anyone will really understand. Here is the only place that I can share how this feels for me.
To my world I will show happy. Maybe if I show it enough, it will be.
There is something for me in ignorance is bliss.
When you don’t know what you haven’t got it doesn’t cut you as much as when you do.
I just need to sleep and find my strength. I have lots of it.
But I feel very alone. So very alone and scared at what lies ahead of me in place of what might have been.
I have to shut that part of my brain off .
I feel horrible even feeling this way. I would never want P to know I feel like this. And there are so many people with such bigger things that they are dealing with in life.
I know I am lucky in so many different ways. I will feel that lucky when I am less tired. But I’m just giving myself a moment to feel my deep sadness. Is that ok?
Yesterday I had a day that was very sweet. In the morning a little boy in his buggy was exchanging smiles with me through the glass on the tube and then put his little hand through the gap to touch my hand. It was very sweet and his dad said.. “aaahh do you like this nice lady”. He saw Jerry sitting on my bag and I let him hold him for the journey until he fell asleep.
His dad gave him back to me when they got off.
The northern line wasn’t working when I was coming home. So I walked over the bridge but bank station was packed and I carried on walking. Down Lombard street where I first starting working when I was 16 years old.
As I trotted along with my music playing I felt a tap on my shoulder.
As I turned round I saw T smiling at me. I haven’t seen him for a couple of years. It was so lovely to see him. One of the nicest people I’ve ever known. His dad died about 5 years ago and he disappeared from most social events. He became head of his family and took the responsibility of what that was. Showing up every now and then for something special. He is living what my other friend often talks about in terms of duties.
It reminded me how important it is for him to find every piece of magic and happiness he can.
His first words were .. blimey m you’ve lost so much weight I almost didn’t recognise you.
I hadn’t even noticed.
Still a trader but nothing flash about him. He used to drive a nice motor and you know, you can tell it’s a good suit and a quality shirt. But very understated, just as he is a person. Intelligent and interesting and kind and so well mannered. A real favourite of mine. Couldn’t have been happier to see him. Are you in a rush he asked. Absolutely not I replied. So we stood at the side of the street catching up in what our lives were looking like. I held some back.
He told me he was still alone. Looking for “the one”. Do you think she is out there he asked.
For you T I have absolutely no doubt. Another person I know who deserves someone wonderful.
Last time I saw him he had told me that family were constantly trying to match him with someone suitable but they just never are. Why is that?
He laughed that he could do with a counsellor. Never wanting to bother anyone with his stuff. I’m Always happy to listen T. Mates rates of course. Cheap as chips.
When we finally said goodbye I felt sad in seeing him go. He was the perfect person to bump into in that moment. I was grateful for that coincidence.
On the tube home another little kid made friends with me. About 4 years old. Asked me if he could sit down. Course you can I said. He preceded to show me his hat, his t shirt, his monster socks. He had a little confidence and a look about him that reminded me of big J in class. I seem to bump into mini versions of them as I trot around. That’s the fifth one now.
He also took a shine to Jerry. Why is he called Jerry he asked. That’s my best friend I said.
He said he liked him. I like him too I said. He got off at Leyton and smiled and said Thankyou lady. Goodbye.
When I got in the car this was the song playing on the radio. I always really love this song. It made me cry. I know I’m super cheesy but that’s just the way I’m made.
I don’t know why I wrote any of that. I guess it just warmed my heart.❤️