It’s a new day. I’ve slept. I feel better. Less tired. The sun has pushed the rain out of the way and I can start again. New day.
Perhaps when I move tomorrow and I’m busy working really hard to pay this mess off, I will find some peace. Instead of living in this roller coaster of emotions as the past 2 years have been. I just want it all to stop so that I can go back to a quiet place of dreamy happy.
I just want peaceful.
As I’m sitting here eating my toast I’m wishing I were a robot.
Love is what has hurt me, torn me apart, put me through the wringer, made me question myself, doubt myself, hate myself, torture myself, punish myself.
Basically it has ripped the shit out of me.
All because of the curse of my stupid heart.
Peoples responses to my heart have an impact on me. While they are all getting their fix of unconditional love and care, I am feeling all sorts of emotions to create that. I hide them of course but deep down inside I feel them swirling around me creating waves that can be oh so beautiful but also can crash against each causing havoc and chaos leaving me exhausted.
It feels like alot of people can switch their hearts on and off. Just like that. I want to be one of those.
Then I wouldn’t care about anything or anyone. I could roll along in life doing as I pleased without giving a shit of the impact on others. Screwing people over so that I could have life exactly the way I wanted it and fucking whoever I wanted and leaving them like a trail of worthless nobodies behind me.
Telling myself that’s just how everybody is. Get with the programme and wise up all you sappy people with hearts.
Perhaps if I freeze my heart I will find success in everything else.
Perhaps I will find myself competing with and beating those types who have lived like that for years, looking down on and judging others. Doing what made them rich and happy until they found themselves feeling empty. Their weakness will be my strength as I walk all over them and make them feel like they made me.
Living in a world where love doesn’t exist in me anymore.
It sounds very tempting.
and yet completely impossible. I’m just not made that way. I never will be. For all the stupid, weak, naive, honest and completely open hearted idiotness of who I am, my heart maybe my weakness but it is also my massive strength. Its my superpower.
It may seem to constantly hurt me but feeling love has the ability to make a difference to others. I know it.. I see it.
My heart has always felt like a curse. But one that I find myself not wanting to break. One day I will be released from it but until then I just have to live with it. And try and use it in the best way possible.
I will hold that pure and genuine love forever. I refuse to ever be cynical in that. I know what it means for me however stupid that might seem to others. I know what I feel. Perhaps that makes me a fool in love but maybe I love the fool in me.