Start Again

Start again… my favourite words. Every day I get up and start again is a great day!
Last night I walked past all the mess with eyes wide shut and got into my bed that looks like a cosy little M bed again. Throwing all those bags into the front room and saving this little pink and purple space to feel safe in amongst this mess.
I laughed at how I transformed this little room into a miniature replica of my shack and palace. That same hot pink rug. Little Parisian table and chairs tucked in the corner for writing and working. Coat hook holding my red coat and favourite hats and an assortment of pink and purple throws and cushions to create a feeling of cosy warmth. My “soarkke” sitting next to me and my “follow your heart” on the window sill pointing towards a half opened window. I’m liking that I haven’t quite lost my sense of humour.
Fortunately P has absolutely no care or interest in soft furnishings. I could turn the place into a big top circus and he wouldn’t care if it made me happy. He would just laugh and throw his pants somewhere amongst my creation waiting to be picked up by the magical trapeze artist as she flys through the air.
Just for now. I’m gunning for the big stuff before I worry about the details 😊
As I pulled up just up the road to my old palace this morning the man on the radio said “welcome to another beautiful day on this amazing planet” as groovy kind of love finished playing. My girl loves smooth fm. It’s growing on me.
Thankyou I said as I got out of the car and walked down the hill waving to the man in the pub who said hello to me every morning. Taking in the hills under the sky in this sunshine morning. I can feel the whisper of my favourite season coming. There is nothing so beautiful as early Autumn where magic cones to life in every way that the other seasons struggle to deliver.
I was awoken this morning by P asking me to pay some money into his account. Yes I can. Don’t worry. I’ve got it all covered. Just enjoy the freedom and happiness of being away with our girl. He needs it. In that city of love that can raise the spirit of anyone. And with my girl there too, he will be surrounded by love. Take it in.
He asked if I was ok. Good as gold, just getting stuff sorted.
I’m powering up for a night of getting stuff done.
As I made my appointments with clients I responded to someone who sent me a beautiful message before they went on holiday telling me how skilled I was and how I had pulled them out of their darkness and made them feel like they had worth.
They had so much worth. I loved being with them in their moment of need. I liked them so much. It was beyond a privilege and as with every client I have they take with them a little piece of my heart and I hold a piece of theirs proudly in mine. Her many colours were something to behold.
Yesterday my housemate had also sent me a beautiful message of love. She had been so sad when she arrived but we were meant to find each other. We helped each other in different ways and we were dreamers together. Having always lived on my own before I found myself the perfect housemate and her little dog too. I am missing the pure love of miss L. She said I was special. Something I was told by another client who had been so on the floor but had left me like a newly found butterfly ready to explore the world in a different way. I often see her walking and talking with another client I have who is going through similar and think how wonderful that she is using what she knows to help another. How we connect together in this crazy and often sad world.
Little R at work had found a self help book aimed at making women stronger. I won’t lie those books get on my nerves. Preachy women who have all the answers to where the rest of us are going wrong. You need to do it like this. Backed up by all those psychological experts who probably mainly come from the same place. Feel my cynical in that world I exist in.
Sometimes when I write my blog in all my mess, and hurt, and sad, and hopelessness I think maybe I am a little light for it being ok to not have the answers. That being fucked up and lost and out of control and tortured and soft and not enough, and and and is OK. It’s ok to just be who you are in that moment until something changes and you find a way through it.
As I ate my toast this morning I thought .. I have wondered what it might look like if I had walked away from that couse when I was going to. How might my life have looked.
Well here I am in the same place. Things even worse than than they were before and feeling overwhelmed by what I am faced with. All those same feelings of being alone with someone else.
Only I did go through that course.
There is a difference …

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