Time

The sad girl who makes others smile 😊
I once heard that most comedians are manic depressives.
I am neither but isn’t It funny how those that can make us smile are quite often sad.
The gift of smiles.
That thought was prompted by a series of messages and encounters I have had since my life suddenly took a nose dive, leaving me feeling sad and wondering what had happened to the happy girl I left on the coast of Capri.
How easily in a moment your world can look so very different.
It makes me appreciate even more, all the wonderful people that I have the privilege to know and to even call my friends. Lucky is a word I use a lot but it’s never thrown about carelessly. There may be some areas where I feel a little less so but the important stuff… friendship .. well I hit the jackpot. Maybe putting all those coins in the machine without even thinking suddenly pay off in moments where you don’t look or ask for it.
When I got home last night I had yet another lovely message from someone who had been so sad and felt like she was less than she was. She has beauty in so many ways. On the outside a girl of natural beauty that would turn a million heads and yet she chose to be  with a boy who didn’t see all that beauty until she didn’t.
She messaged me a lot looking for little lifts in her confidence which I provided by the bucket load because.. well she’s just lovely and I like her.. she went in search of more and
found some beautiful quotes that had her initials attached to them.
She shared one with me last night and told me how happy they were making her. The happiest she has ever felt.
It made me feel happy as I read her message.
She is young and beautiful inside and out and can be anything she wants to be. Reach for the stars sweet girl.
And I thought to myself. How is it that I can help in making others smile and yet I struggled so much to give myself that very same thing.

And yet her message made me really happy.
I had touched her life and in return she touched mine.
It didn’t take any effort on my part. I mean I ain’t no Mother Theresa.
I just Bumble along quietly in my own little way just trying to be a nice human.
But with those that mean something to me and that I am important to, I always found it impossible to put my own happiness first.
I thought of my friend who had often spoken of a relative he has, that has such sadness. And how hard he tries to help him. Sometimes with reward and sometimes not. And yet he keeps trying. Why is that?
I can only assume that he cares very much about him knowing that he is more than appearances might suggest.
It’s tricky isn’t it. These duties are difficult to ignore when you care.
Earlier that day I had received a beautiful quote about a heart from a friend who I treasure. I’m not even sure she knows her own magic and the aura she carries. And then of course my beautiful friend L. Who has a way of seeing the sense in my dreaminess and chaos and always loves me in all of it. Always there for me. Always! She’s my person. I adore her, the little munchkin rockstar she is in a gator.
All of those kicked me into action last night in getting through the mountain of stuff. And I made a big dent in it.

And then this morning as I journeyed on to work a beautiful quote from the pa of my Former landlady who I loved in all her queen latifah Earth angel qualities. Kick ass kindness personified.
Followed by a message from the person I was supposed to meet on Tuesday but didn’t because I didn’t want to share what I am right now. A few weeks earlier he would have seen someone that had made huge progress.

And yet the message he sent telling me of his morning made me smile so much. How awesome !!! And on top he didn’t even know what a massive difference he made to my day. I mean I told him but he wouldn’t have known to what extent that helped me on my way.
Singing like you don’t give a fuck who is listening. I love that!!!!
No … Thankyou!!!

Why am I so sad. I have all this beautiful love surrounding me every day and I give it out in everything I am because it feels like it makes the world a happier place. I find it hard to be happy if others can’t share that.
And yet here I am feeling others happy while I feel sad. why?

For the girl who has soooo much love and passion, the thing that evades me and that is my hearts desire is to give and receive the kind of love that is completely reckless, passionate in heart and body and makes my soul soar into the clouds. That makes me nervous and scared and have butterflies in just the sound of their name, laughing and happy in their company and not even noticing the time pass by as I listen to them talk … and feeling completely breathless in all its wonderful and beautiful intensity.
Am I asking for too much? Am I L?
Is that what they call a fantasy.

For a brief moment I felt like I found it. Just a glimmer of it with no promise beyond nothing. And yet I risked everything for it. Not just my life but everything I am. My whole heart in a way that I never thought possible. Who even does that? I did. I did that, just for that moment and the borrowed time beyond. Until I had absolutely nothing left to risk. I risked it all because I knew that I would never feel that again.
Isn’t it funny how an incredibly powerful wave can be so cleverly disguised as a ripple.
And yet I know just how powerful that wave was.

The sadness that comes from knowing I will never feel that again. For all it hurt me it was the most alive I ever felt in my life.

But my dreams I always have and last night I dreamt of it so vividly it almost felt real.

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