Life and Death

When I need a perspective of lucky in life I never have to look too far, and yesterday provided that in a very deeply real way and heart stopping way.
For all my inner sadness in things that are close to my heart, which I am burying deeply, I am able to remind myself just how very lucky I am.
I only need to look at my little sun kissed girl as she returned happily from her trip so excited to see me and tell me about it.
How happy I was to see her. How lucky I feel that she is in the world.
I had spent part of my day sharing in what it looks like for that to be taken away from you. I was never more grateful in giving her one of my never ending cuddles that she has to wriggle out of.
Can I even begin to imagine or comprehend having my precious baby of 1 year old being snatched away from my world leaving an unbearable sadness that has to be borne and hidden beneath a strength of trying to be more. A dad who has denied himself any right to feel it in order to provide what was required for mum. But no matter how deeply it had been buried it was held with such a heaviness that when yet another trauma and sadness entered their world it has crushed them.
There are days when I am filled with such sadness of another I can feel that very same thing.
Never have I felt such a need to be so completely and and fully in something with another who desperately needs to share their pain.
Pain that is beyond anything I have ever felt or hope I will ever feel.
Can I be everything they need? Am I strong enough to take the role of being the strength that allows them not to be? I don’t even know.
Questions I will be asking myself as I go.
Having had a place on my blog to try and release all my own little trivial pains I am ready to try. To embrace another version of who I can be when I put myself to one side.
This world, this life is so much bigger than me. Everyone is carrying some pain or sadness.
Is it enough to hold someone’s hand and walk with them? I know how having my hand held gave me some strength that they didn’t know I needed.
I saw P’s dad tonight who looked so happy to see me. It felt nice. I was happy to see him too.
He goes in for his cancer operation on Wednesday. I know he is scared.
P looked better from being away. Less tired and worried and sad. The city of love worked its magic as did my girl at least for a few days. He found a little more. There is a need to hold on to and build on that. He looked relieved to see me there smiling and welcoming with news of things progressing in trying to fix the financial mess and having made real progress on getting things a little more straight and homely. They both joked at seeing the bottom of the washing basket. “Forgot what that looked like”. Miniscule givings in creating some care.
Try harder! I can feel a big part of myself being buried so deeply that it can’t interfere with the part of me that is trying harder. And it feels ok. As my beautiful friend pointed out to me, in a way that I was grateful for
“Some people live a whole life never feeling what you described”
Feel lucky for that.
I soooo do. Very lucky! More than lucky! Treasured and soul strengthening lucky for those moments when I feel soulless.
And that feeling will carry me through so much that is way more important than I should ever wish to be.

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