What trying looks like

How easy it is to question the validity of things that feel special, and your value and worth within them. Do they even care?
Or is that just me?
In all my trying I found myself questioning
What’s the point?!
Until I was awoken this morning by a loud and deep scream from the person lying next to me.
I held on to him like a mum would to her little boy to say that he was safe and everything was ok.
One of the many nightmares he has been having recently that my girl had said disappeared whilst they were away.
Ok so now I’m getting it. Maybe I needed to witness it to really understand it.
The operation that lay ahead this morning I’m guessing was the trigger.
The trauma of before weighing heavily in fear.
Trying just found itself some new levels of strength and power.
As I sat in the garden in the rain I selfishly wondered whether my sadness would be cared about. Or whether I had become a nothing of yesterday. And all that I had held so dearly had vanished. Just like that.
What meant everything to me had been carelessly thrown away in favour of new bold bright lights and camera action stuff. I’m assuming so. I get that too.
And In the rain I felt very alone. Caring in different ways in different directions. For whatever that is worth.
Well I guess for me it has worth.
I remember saying being around you is like feeling like a kid. Not the kid I was but the one I was on the inside. Easy love. In all its magic and dreamyness.
Without the difficulties of life messing with it and making it harder. You just turn up as yourself and it’s enough. It’s beautiful and colourful and magic.
I remember a friend of mine never committing to anything more because of the fear of losing that.
But he was at an age where he wanted to settle.
I told him “you just have to jump in. Take the risk. There are no guarantees in life”
He ended up meeting someone from a far away place and they spent a whirlwind year of travelling and meeting in glamorous destinations around the world. They had the money to back that up.
She was “the one”
5 years on I hear them constantly moan about each other and their children. The perfect met reality and the life of responsibility changed their world.

Life.. real life catches up with us all. Even with money which can and does soften the blow and provide other freedoms but it can’t save you from life’s sometimes harsh realities .
I wonder how many people struggle on that very simple level.
Finding happiness wherever it shows itself in order to withstand the difficulties.
I am one of those. Trying to find those little things that make the big things more bearable.
I have no shame in saying that. There is more to me than is seen on the surface every day.
I find myself thinking of the times I look at a tube track and wonder what it might look like to be released from a life of duties. I only look and wonder, nothing beyond. Life is too precious. But there are people who are so sad that they cant even see it anymore.
I find myself thinking of the love that is at large in wanting to be there in those truly rubbish moments. The ones that are joyless and difficult and soul destroying. There is no fancy wrapper to that love. It appears to be worth nothing and yet it is the sort of love that has worth beyond the confines of real or dreamy. It means something. It is rooted in more.
And I guess is the sort of love that sorts the men from the boys and the women from the girls.
There is nothing glamorous about it. It struggles to find the happy. It sees one day at a time being the only way to survive it and clinging on to the small things that provide smiles.
But love is present. I guess you have to live it to really know it and understand it.
It certainly feels hard.
The operation was cancelled due to them not being physically fit enough to proceed. Rescheduled for October. The pain in delay continues and the need for strength increases.
As does the need for those little moments of smiles.

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