Never have I spent so much time thinking about money.
It’s all consuming. The pressure to sort this feels off the scale and my only escape right now is work and the swinging chair in the garden. I sit there early in the morning every day when no one is awake. Whether it has been sunny or raining.
Like a little kid in my black night slip just swinging and trying to keep it all together. Hanging tough.
Those eyes looking at me as though I have the miracle answers to it all when I’m trying my hardest to chase and push to get things sorted and look as though it’s not scaring the hell out of me.
I am scared.
Keeping this flat is imperative. It is all we have and it is my girls security.
How did it get so bad without me knowing.
Was I so removed in trying to build some semblance of new life.
I can’t feel angry or sad or anything. Because I won’t be able to function within the huge reality of what I’m trying to rectify.
How did it get to this? Is all I keep saying in my head but it’s pointless even thinking it.
Focussing on sorting rather than the reasons is where I’m at right now. Chasing, chasing, chasing. Looking for the little light that will allow me to breathe.
I think I may sleep for a month if this gets sorted. Hoping with everything I am that It will. Finding ways to distract and lift myself. Completely immersed in what this is but still functioning. And as with everything else completely hidden from view, in the show I continue to perform in.