Before I went to bed I cane across that moment in Shawshank Redemption where Andy plays music across the Whole prison field. He talks of his love of it, how it is held in his heart and can make a person feel free and their soul soar.
It provides hope.

I’m working my way backwards in a day that has afforded me lots of smiles. Again appreciated. All of them. As I swing as dusk begins to settle my girl has just come to the window asking for a thumbs up or down for the new boyfriend I just met. I gave him a thumbs up 😊
Chatty little fella. He made me smile in his smooth talking confidence.
“What you been up to?” Heard you been out. Sounds sweet!
As I walked to the garden I overheard him say “yer mum seems really nice”
I messaged my girl and said “yeah I am really nice 😉”. I heard him laugh as my girl shared it.
Happy kids off to a party. I love seeing my girl happy.
Be nice to her. You’re a lucky fella to get a moment of her time. She’s very discerning and it takes a lot for her to bother. Plus she can spot a wrong un a mile off.

I’d just got back from an afternoon with my angels. It’s the first time I’ve been out in a few weeks. I just haven’t wanted to. For the girl with so much energy I just haven’t had any. But I bought ballet tickets for them for Christmas.. Romeo and Juliet.. and actually I have really looked forward to seeing my friends all week and the magic of something I really love.
I’m pushing myself. I am so much more than this. Soooo much.
But I’m made how I’m made. Stuff can really hurt me, worry me, make me sad and the pressure of trying to be a decent person can leave me unhappy. But the opposite would feel so much worse.
I am a nice person and that can make life hard.
My angels know me at my best. The girl who a year before I decided to do any of those counselling courses, went on a four day bender in Barcelona. Partying for the entire duration on 4 hours sleep. Back to back days on snippets of shut eye. Coming back to the hotel for breakfast from dancing on the beach till the clubs closed. Where the fuck has that girl gone? Have others stolen my sparkle?
It sure does feel like that.
I remember there is a line in the film Pretty Woman when she felt less in being around some people who thought they were more

“I mean, in my own clothes, when someone
like that guy Stuckey comes up to me,
I can handle it;
I’m prepared.”

That line resonates with me so much. In leaving myself open and vulnerable I was bound to get hurt. There was a reason that I wore that outfit.

As for the ballet. It was beautifully choreographed within a setting that was both real and dark. Taking that most perfect story of forbidden love to an edge of pure sorrow. I felt it in the music and it left me with a feeling of emptyness
Fortunately that feeling passed moments after as I chatted and laughed with L&M over food and drinks. They had an extra care about them today. I could feel it even if it wasn’t spoken. I have a real love for them. Their genuine and loveliness touches me so deeply. That’s the sort of friendship worth having.
The type that cares as much about your feelings as you do about theirs. Like my red dress friend. It flows both ways.
I would rather have a small amount of special and genuine sparkling diamonds than a million fakes.

I felt exhausted when I got home. Being out in the world beyond what I need to do had taken it out of me. But I so loved it, it gave me such a much needed happiness and left me able to continue my current battle.
I’m building myself up for more and as I had previously booked that short trip to Ibiza with another special friend in ten days time I have been persuaded to still go. I haven’t got a bean, but as boozy said we can buy some booze on the way, old style, and then just dance our way through to a morning on the beach.
Sounds like a decent plan. It’s already paid for so it would only be a waste. And I think I deserve these happy moments. I bloody try hard enough to earn them.

Always feel better when I’ve had my hair cut. There is something nice in sitting in the hairdressers and someone else washing and brushing your hair.
A good hair day can be the difference in feeling confident in putting yourself out in the world or hiding away in not wanting to be judged or hurt. I have felt exhausted in trying to be everything but who I am. But who I am just doesn’t cut it in this real and dog eat dog world. Those defences allow me to function within it and it will be a very long time before they ever come down again, if ever.
There was something so beautifully pure and idealistic that sat beneath it all but I can’t afford that naivety again. The cost in bringing that out has left me broke/n

Another new day. It’s Saturday and the day is mine and I have some plans. As I swing on my chair in what feels like the start of a new season with a chill in the air I wonder what the day will bring. I like the mornings so much. That quiet time when everyone is asleep helps me alot. I feel happy in it with a song plugged in and my eyes closed, swinging. Such a silly insignificant little pleasure but it is one of my favourite moments of the day. I really look forward to it.
I told my friend today, that one lovely person liked my most depressing post yesterday. Very sweet and appreciated. It hard sharing the real and sad rather than the stuff that is exciting and entertaining and what people want to hear. But it helps me to write it.

Maybe today will take me a little step closer to the happy girl I once was. I always keep that hope.

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