Saying How I Feel

This morning my girl came home from her party and having to go to work. A couple of hours sleep and a day ahead at the coffee shop. Not a great combo for a 17 year old girl.
She started talking about something, got frustrated with me in my half asleep state and walked out of the room saying “go back to your own house”.
Ouch!!! More than ouch. It made me cry. In all my trying I was given the ultimate in hurtful. I wonder how that has felt to all those people who have been dealt those words “why don’t you go back to where you came from”.
Trying to bring what you are to somewhere that feels unfamiliar and difficult and that wasn’t part of the plan. And trying your hardest to fit in whilst Trying to be yourself and if possible find some happiness within that.
I wonder if all those people who throw those words carelessly because of their frustration and anger in something or someone else, even realise how much they cut the recipients.
It certainly cut me in that bleary eyed moment and my girl saw it.
As she left for work she said sorry and gave me a hug. “I didn’t mean it. That was a horrible thing to say. I’m glad you’re here”.
We are best friends and love each other so much. I told her not to worry and that I knew she didn’t mean it. She said “you’re so forgiving mum”. Nothing ever to forgive with her. It’s unconditional. And later she came home from work with roses. My favourites.

I went for a walk with P when he got back from work. I find it easier when surrounded by trees. They seem to soak up his annoyance and frustration with me.
I walked along thinking I feel so unhappy but I Just can’t say it.

And yet when I got home, I don’t know where it came from or how I found the words but I did. I finally admitted to P how unhappy I am.
How I have found myself in this place of trying to fix something because of a need beyond us.
That if things hadn’t been so desperate on a very basic bread and butter level in trying to save everyone’s security I would not be here.
I didn’t say it in anger or in a way to hurt, I said it because I just could not sustain the pretence of just saying everything is ok.
I am just a human and a very real and honest one at that. And it has been beyond exhausting trying to be everything that is expected of me and more.
I am so unhappy and I just couldn’t hide it anymore.
Surprisingly It was received with calmness. as well as an understanding and acceptance of how reasonable that admission was.
This wasn’t planned or built up to with a beautiful honeymoon period of happiness and love and excitement for a future.
This was crash landing back into Planet Desperation without any warning after having to fight so very hard in surviving and rebuilding a truly difficult period of my life.
2 years in trying to deal with so many trials and hardships and fighting with every bone in my body to survive it, rise from it and begin to make a new life.
I was winning. I wasn’t sitting in perfect. Loneliness, guilt, and fear were all feelings I was struggling with. But I was finding happiness, adventure, magic along the way. And the hope of possibilities.
But happy in my freedom I was definitely feeling.
And then the rug was pulled out from underneath me whilst trying to resolve the financial means to make those possibilities a reality. I think I’ve been in shock for the last few weeks. At first in denial, then an intense sadness and distancing myself from everything that was part of that new life I built. I felt like a failure.
Completely. Everything I had put in just hadn’t been enough to find my way to a future that had seemed hard to reach but possible. And in that failure I felt like nothing. Not worth anything.
Happiness is for others. People who are better.
The ones who aren’t weak and naive and soft. The ones who think with their heads not their hearts.
Stupid stupid dreamy girl!
But in that moment I said it.
“I feel so unhappy. I’m trying so hard to fix this and to help you but in the meantime I am drowning, suffocating and feeling completely trapped.”
I’ve never found that bravery to say it quite so plainly before. I don’t want to hurt people especially ones I care about.
But we are friends. We always were and found our way back to that after about 18 months apart and that had felt nice. He loves me.
His understanding and appreciation of what I am trying to give was felt by me. He got it.
And in him getting it I suddenly felt a heavy weight lifted.
None of this is part of a dream. It is what it is. Real life for those with normal everyday lives, survival in a world where survival of the fittest has a pound note attached and real care that comes from a place of love. Love is something that I know how to bring.
So from having the perfect housemate and her dog I find myself weirdly with the most unlikely and ridiculous of housemates. How the hell does this work? Right now in trying to sort out the reason for this bloody mess. Money. I mean even Chris and Gwyneth would have struggled with this scenario.
One day at a time until we resolve the money.
And there lies the limit of future plans and dreams right now. I literally can’t see anything beyond that at the moment.

Feeling Free is something I value so much. If I feel free I can do anything.
Everything except falling in love.

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