I think I have become one of those people I used to smile at. The ones that look sad and vacant and lost on the tube. Going through the motions..
A sweet woman with a head scarf and pretty eyes sitting opposite smiled at me in that way that said “don’t be sad”.
I’m trying!!!! I smiled back in that half hearted way that only had the energy to politely reciprocate.
Another day trying to chatter happily as though I mean it. To laugh along with the little jokes and look enthusiastic in what I’m doing. All fake. Motions of being what is required. It’s just easier that way. But I can’t escape from what sits underneath. It holds on to me in a way that is hard to pull free from.
Trying to lift myself with bright happy tunes or think happy thoughts but none of them connecting with me on any level that makes a difference. I can pretend to the world, I could write and tell you that I’m feeling better and pushing through it but I can’t pretend to myself. I know. Battling something that I’m losing.
Like having everything that makes you who you are ripped out of you like a worthless piece of crap, crushed and then thrown back for you to take a look at.
Knowing that right now I’m as fake as it comes. The mean girl was right when she said “I don’t believe it”.Not then but she would be on the money right now. Her little boot was only one of those little boots who didn’t care who I might be and how they might hurt me. Just insignificant nothing comments that are long forgotten by them but are part of the bigger monster that is able to tell me what a nothing I am.
Constantly struggling to hold back the tears when thinking about how easily disposable I am whilst others prosper and surge forward in their happiness.
Hearing their little voices in my head supporting the bully inside me who uses their meanness as examples of not being enough.
Follow you heart, believe in the magic, love is what makes this world turn. Only I’ve stopped believing in any of it.
Magic .. There is no such thing. A crazy notion from a naive and open hearted girl who learnt the hard way.
As I see others laugh and feel happiness in the way I used to before, I feel jealous. I knew how lucky I was in that. I wonder if they do? But somehow it is lost and i don’t know how to get it back.
The carefree and happy girl of yesteryear. Why couldn’t she be content in that instead of looking for more. More was just an illusion.
Hiding a world I had always avoided. The cynical did their work well.
Perhaps without realising I have ending up swapping my heart for theirs.
I guess everyone has a limit to how much they can withstand and bounce back from and I believe I may have reached mine. It’s when you know that in spite of all your good and kind intentions, if it’s not them it must be you.