Today I hit my lowest point for me. Picking up the baton of cynical.
Nothing wrong with cynical. Many people very happily are. But not me.
On Saturday the greatest story of love ever written was cheapened for me at the end with lady gaga’s bad romance. It made people laugh. Just a tongue in cheek joke but I guess I just wasn’t in that place. I wasn’t allowed to feel the tragic beauty of what I had felt. Instead I was left feeling stupid for understanding what drove them.
You must be some kind of crazy nutcase to feel such a deep sadness made from love.
Another cynical nail to make me feel ridiculous and less. Like there is something wrong with me for feeling like I do.
Tagged with an unhealthy label in not being more careful and reserved and measured and restrained. You can love toooo much.
Perhaps too much for those who don’t have the ability. It’s like being Usain Bolt and racing amateurs. They will complain that he’s too fast because they just can’t keep up.
Being able to show and feel love is an amazing gift that I don’t want to live without.
I have the opportunity of a lifetime to show what My heart is made of.
It’s ok to feel hurt. It’s ok to put my head down and think I can’t keep going in all these challenges.
But something is beating a drum to tell me I can. Maybe I just need to make my own luck.
So I bought some good karma cards for £1.50.
100 cards to pick at random. 1 per week.
First card picked randomly by my girl.. rally for a good cause … as I was thinking about what that might be I saw an advert for a new car to drive. As butterflies flew in unison to create it with the theory of everything playing in the background… the strapline was “the beauty of change begins”.
I knew it was a sign.
Rally I will!!!! And I know exactly how.
Fighting the magic
By the time I tiredly fell into bed I had been through the rigmarole of explaining the everly increasing desperation in delays in receiving the cure to financial survival. How much longer can we survive before we have exhausted every bridge that keeps us in the game. These things take time. Time we don’t have on our side. I think B hears the desperation in my voice every day as she pushes on to resolve with me. We are getting there she says.
I think what she wants to say is
“Keep swimming. Just stay afloat”
My thoughts of rallying vanished in favour of surviving. Maybe tomorrow.
As I walked home through the underground my phone started playing a tune I’m my ears. I don’t know it. It wasn’t on my playlist. Never heard of it.
The kind of song that would have had me written all over it. Like being in magic. Twirling on a music box.
I didn’t switch it off. I could hear it but I fought with it. Stop trying to make me feel like there is magic helping me. I don’t Want to believe anymore LEAVE ME ALONE!!!.
Cant you just let me live an invisible life. Where I don’t connect with anything or anyone.
And yet on it played.