Thankyou for taking care of it till I am ready!
You are right my dear sweet friend. It feels impossible for me to even come close to touching those things right now.
To even get slightly close to them hurts me way more than they help.
To even feel them for a moment feels more painful than I can possibly describe.
Reminders everywhere of who I was and could be. Of what those things were.
It feels easier to walk in the world and see, hear and feel nothing. To try and numb every part of myself that played its part in taking people I truly care about
to this point in time.
Right now I despise those things in myself.
As many times as I try and tell myself that I am not wholly responsible, It’s not all of my making, I started the wheel turning and so I feel like I am responsible for it all… and therefore responsible for fixing it. I need to fix the mess made from trying to be more.
By being someone else. Someone better. Only I don’t know how to be that someone. I don’t even know who she is. She is like a stranger.
And yet this morning as I write this back to you I play this tune. Pink flamingos. You sent me them once, do you remember. I remember everything.. and now you offer to hold everything I was till A time might come when I am ready to take them back.
To be held safely by someone I trust, with a distant thought that perhaps they are not completely lost. Thankyou! That means the world to me ❤️
