Yesterday I spent an hour being completely me. A connection with someone who on the surface looks nothing like me. White woman and Muslim man. And yet in that moment I felt more me than I have in weeks. In all those apparently surface differences we could not have been any more similar. The same humans. Like identical twins. It was the fastest hour ever. Both holding back the people we are behind the duties and difficulties of life. And yet hidden behind that were people who looked at everything in exactly the same way. Relate… In every possible way. It was the strangest feeling to be everything I am, the parts that I am trying to push down in the real world, but in that safe enclosed space was totally ok. And was required to make it ok for him too.
Just for that moment, until we both walked back into our lives and continued to perform in our shows.
There is real and then there is real. To touch it for a moment was something very special.
My life is so hidden right now. Other than a couple of people, who know a little, to everyone else, including my mum, I am still living the same life as I have for the last couple of years. I am hiding everything. I don’t want to tell a soul. Do I have to? Can I hide it forever? I would like to.
If I have to perform can I do it without anyone knowing. In secret and invisibly.
I know I can’t forever. Sometimes I wish I could disappear with my girl where no one could find us. Cut all ties to anything that came before as though nothing came before. Like someone who is on the witness protection programme. With a brand new identity. Starting again from scratch where no one knows me and I can create something brand new.
Perhaps I am doing that. Creating a new person who can function within a world where the real me just doesn’t cut it. Pushing away all those that know or have seen glimpses of what that looks like and not wanting to disappoint in being a much lesser version. Or am I being more. I don’t even know anymore. I certainly am trying to be.
But be in no doubt.. buried deep down within me there is so much love and care for those I run away from. In those moments where they rise to the surface I have to choke them back, feeling the sting in my eyes and breathing deeply in order to push them down a little further. Into the abyss where they can’t rise up and remind me.
My heart is a funny thing. I can tell it not to feel or care, I can shout at it to let me live in peace and be what I need to be.. but it doesn’t listen to me. Ever!!! It quietly rebels and tries to rattle my cage. But I am locked in tight and the more it rattles, the more padlocks I add to that cage. I can’t control my heart but it tries to control me and the only way to beat it, is to hide away even further from it, so it can’t find me.