Inspired to Believe

A shooting star from a far away place is inspiring me right now.
I was the girl who believed in magic.
Someone once told me I was the magic.
Do you know how happy that one line made me having spent a lifetime feeling I had to hide that part of how I think and feel.
Five minutes later that magic was squashed back down. It disappeared back into my own inner world. In fact I stopped believing in it myself. What’s the point. It doesn’t seem to matter how hard you try it doesn’t seem to be enough to give you the happiness that you wish for, that others just receive without even trying at all. Just lands in their laps without having to do a thing. In fact even more by just looking after themselves and not caring about anyone beyond that.
How is this fair I thought. I remember my friend once saying that very same thing. The loveliest loveliest person who keeps trying and who I wish so much for her happiness. Hers and the other people I love so much in all their wonderfulness and caring and who deserve to find the true and beautiful happiness they wish for. How is any of this fair?
And then a shooting star flew across and said I’ll tell you what’s not fair. But I still believe. I believe in that magic.
For years and years I have felt that. In all those moments of sadness as a kid. I always believed that there was something more. I saw it in everything and everyone. It protected me but It also made me see how beautiful life could be. Something in the beauty that surrounds us every day of our lives.. the magic of a perfect autumnal morning like today, a tiny and insignificant but oh so significant encounter with a stranger on the tube, a series of moments that connect together and take you to a place that you thought was impossible but becomes possible.
I saw and felt them all the time and shared them with others. Magic existed.
And then a moment that someone brought magic to me. Without me looking for it. Just in being around, doing nothing but being themself. They created a magic that made the world come alive.
Unti life made them disappear. Gone as though they never existed.
How silly that probably sounds to many. How selfish to think you deserve that forever. But I believed. With everything I was.
I believed in that magic.
How the cynical would laugh at me. I became that cynical for a moment. What a horrible feeling that is.
Like being a machine who functions but doesn’t take in any of the small joys of the surrounding world. Going through the motions in a grey and lifeless world where your own selfish interests are what it’s about. No wonder I feel so unhappy. I’ve never lived my life in that way.
In being told time and time again about valuing myself and the importance of me I lost sight of my very insignificant place in this big world and I lost sight of the magic.
Until a shooting star reminded me.
And that star is helping me. Helping to just keep me going right now. To hold on just a little to who I am and catch tiny glimpses of light and magic. Until I feel too tired to look. And then a new day comes and I try again.
There are beautiful people in this world who believe in the magic of love and care. For their children, their loved ones, for others in the world that need a friend.
I am inspired by this star. Inspired to believe again.

 

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